I'll holler. I keep getting hit with bits and pieces of our conversation. She told me she is going to West Virginia to visit an old high school friend next week.
She then went on to say "will you please let me know from now on when you are leaving town. God forbid anything were to happen to you, I would like to know and be able to get ahold of you." I said I'll always have my cell with me. She gave me a "yeah but still."
Not so sure I want to do that at this point.
I hit a bit of a nerve I think. She said I want you as a friend, I want you and me both to be able to talk to each other about anything.
I told her...you had that and so much more and you gave it away. I don't think she liked hearing that.
Don't be afraid to speak your mind, but do it in a way that you have known to be the new Trapt.
The scary part of letting your shield down a little is you leave yourself open to an array of things that you have been trying to ignore the past couple years.
But guess what?
YOU are different now, and deal with things differently now than you did when you put it up. Trusting yourself without that shield is kinda like your children taking their first steps....
You gotta trust it can be done and what you changed was real for you....
Be true to you man.....You took all that time and effort to find you, now don't lose you again.....
YOU are different now, and deal with things differently now than you did when you put it up. Trusting yourself without that shield is kinda like your children taking their first steps....
Your right with this. I had to do that today. Normally, I would have been all business, then goodbye. I don't know what made me lower it, but I did.
I had to respond to another email regarding my daughter starting school. I hesitated, but eventually decided to tell her that I was proud of her for getting help and for what she said today.
No, it wasn't very good Db'ing I guess, but it is a huge thing for her to admit and even bigger for her to take action.
She seemed to speak a lot about what would help the kids. She said they love to go to church with her and that I should take them. She told me the time of the service and that her sister works there helping to watch the kids including ours. She also said she usually sits with her sister's husbands parents.
She seemed pretty open when she would babble about the guy she is seeing. On one hand she would say how nice he is and then turn right around and it's nothing serious though and that she would never leave our kids alone with him. She said, "he is leaving for 14 months in the spring so if that tells you anything."
She spoke of moving on, however it was always directed at me, never in regards to her. Out of the blue she said I'm not asking you to wait for me. Nothing was really said to warrant that, but whatever. She flat out told me if I was seeing someone that she didn't want to hear anything about it.
I see bright spots....peppered with mlc. Today it looks as though she opened up and made a move closer. It still doesn't mean much at this point however it is very different from anything i have seen in the past two years.
I found out that my ex's mother has been wanting to call me at times and my ex has told her not to. She likes to take the kids to the movies and has called me in the past to do that. I have always said yes. I received a call from her a month or two ago, that would put it right around the time that my ex started to get help.
Part of me can't help but wonder if there is a little more to it than that. I know....I'm wasting my time with this one. Her mother knows some of what happened and in the beginning she confronted my ex. I did end up talking with her too much. It was one of the many mistakes I made. She did agree with me on many things, but ultimately there was nothing she could do either.
Two months post bomb she told me that she saw me making the effort to do the right things, and she noticed some changes in me. She sat my ex down at one point and asked her what she was doing to make things better and told her that she did not raise her to be this way.
I told my ex that her mother is welcomed to call me anytime.I'm actually looking forward to her calling. Not to speak about this, I found out that she has lost 50 pounds and is living a lot healthier now. I think this is great. I do miss talking with her. Again just about things in general NOT this.
The past is just that, I do see how time plays a huge role in this.
I have work to do. I feel I have a good understanding about this crisis. I had felt that I had forgiven my wife totally for what has taken place. Looking at this today, I realize I have not.
These past few months I have been short, distant, and cold toward her. I have work to do. It's not going to be easy, but this has to stop. I am bigger and better than this.
She has taken some very nice steps in the right direction. The last time she had been inside that church was when we were married. It had to be a difficult thing for her to go back. Does that mean anything at this point? For her yes. It is what it is though. I can't stop living, I must keep going forward. I see just how much a role time plays in all of this. I remember last fall thinking I had been at this for so long. LOL.
IF (and thats a big one) anything were to come of this relationship wise, I am still so far away. So a marching we will go. Where am I headed in that respect? "Who the hell knows." (cha ching Jimbo)
I will no longer live in a place of resistance. Force and fear have been replaced with faith. I just have to trust and go with it.
Sweetie, you are a wonderful, insightful, generous man. And being such, you were compassionate to your xw. And that's ok.
It is good that you are thinking about what she said, but, dont let it get into your head and start messin' around in there too much.
If you are open to a friendship with her, start slowly, but, use the skills that you have learned in db and do what is best for you.
She is the mother of your children and a better relationship on your terms is always a good thing for them.
Take it slowly. I know you know that this could be a peek out, feeling the vibe kind of a thing for her.
Thank you B...
This is the tough part. I need to keep showing these changes are for me. I still need to improve in fact.
Most importantly if/when I begin this new friendship I guess you could call it. I need to do it in an unselfish way. I can't look at it as anything more than what it is.
I need to let her come to me. She still has a long way to go. I need to find a balance within this new territory. Some would argue that she owes me. In a sense maybe...but if I go into this with that kind of attitude I will fail.
