Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hello Cas,

I just read this entire thread.

I am first worried to hear your kids have swine flu, you mentioned that they are never ill so I am sure they will have a speedy recovery from this even though the symptoms seem severe. I am equally worried about your health just days before major surgery. Please take extra precautions around the kids and try not to do too much to wear down your immune system right now.

Your story is so much like mine with your H and his behaviors.

I am and have been DB for a very long time now. I knew right from the get go that standing was for me. Here I am still....

I was using common sense DB techniques before I found this site and read the books.

I have only been on the BB for a little over a year and read the books about one year ago. I had already been in my sitch for about 3 years. One thing I thought as I read DB and DR they didn't seem especially geared to those who have already separated from their spouses. I felt both books offered great advice only it would have all been more helpful with the WAS still at home. For me my H had been gone a long time.

I attribute our success to me. My behaviors towards H. In my sitch I begged and cried and was down right pitiful from day one to about 4 months into the sitch and then I bucked up and started to change. It was my changes that H admits put the D on hold. He claims he watched me like a hawk all the time, he says as time passed he saw the changes and a likeable S emerge, the S he fell in love with years ago.

I maintained and maintained until my changes and the way I treat H became habits. I now am so different from when H left. I know I could never go back.

It is how I greet and treat H consistently that has re-created our friendship and brought us to actually working hard at reconciling our marriage. I see the same teeny tiny baby steps that you see from your H.

I see the just popping in visits. We share laughs now and fun texting...jokes and silly stuff. We eat suppers together a lot as a family. H is doing more and more with son and says he wants to now. H looks at me and smiles and I now see a twinkle in his eye. He calls me regularly and chats about our company and his day and now asks me how mine was. One thing we have done throughout our sitch is ML. Some disagree with this, for us it has literally kept us together. It is getting better and better all the time.

We still do not go out on social activities together. I want that real bad, I will not push for it though. I am glad you two have had some nice evenings together.

I still will not initiate any conversations. I will not visit H. I will not let my guard down. I let H make all contact. I find we have better results when it is H idea. I can see this changing with time. We are becoming closer and if I continue to maintain and H continues to make changes and move towards us it will be better for me.

I am not convinced the OW is out. I have heard they broke up, I am going to wait and watch. I know she is lurking about my shop at last once a week.

I want to serve ultimatums and pour on the pressure like you. We can't. I am wise enough to realize that those will not work. They would be relationship suicide for us. So like you I will hold my words and continue my DB techniques, they seem to be the right choice for us and if it works keep it up.

I will keep posting to you here, we are in a similar place together. Our H seem to be in the same place too. I think we could benefit from going back and forth with the latest updates.

I'm thinking you are on the other side of the pond, so we have about a 6 hour time difference. Keep posting on my thread and I will stay with you here.

You haven't told us what day is surgery day for you, I wish you all the best of luck and am sending my prayers to you that it goes well and with a speedy recovery.

Take care, your new friend,

Sanderika