Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

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First, I decline your request that I obtain Glover's book and read it.

Second, my past experiencet with marriage counselors ended up (over a six-month period) to be all about me and what was wrong with me. I was willing to speak openly and very frankly about any of the subjects that were brought up from my relationship with my father and mother (who were divorced) to my relationship with my first wife and what that was like and how that disintegrated. I'd say that put me a real disadvantage bevause it revealed just how deeply and just how far I was willing to go repair and maintain a relationship.

What never happened was an opportunity for me to express the issues in this relationship. Having two therapist evaluating me, critiquing me, and having me doing these various exercises (ultimately experienced as telling me what was wrong with me) was not a very satisfying experience. There were these varous exercises that we did, particularly things we wrote out. We rarely dealt with anything my wife wrote, just what I wrote and why.

At the end of it, I stated how dissatisfied I was with the process and said that I'd never do that again unless some of the focus was taken off me and put onto her (my wife). My experience was that the issues that I wanted to bring up always ended up being hijacked. There was always the "promise" we'd get to those and yet something else would get in the way of that. As I pointed out, rather than being "closed down" about what I had experienced in my life, I was unflinchingly open and answered every question put to me. It was during this time that I promised to drop the threat of leaving. We had been married less than a year. Threatening to leave was limiting the ability to productively resolve anything, I was told.

You could classify the approach as "cognitive therapy" something which came to me naturally.

But even then the developing mismatch between sexual drives was swept under the rug. There was a big blowup over my keeping precise records of what was and was not happening (I'm sorry, the empirical data was what it was, observed and documented). And to the limited extent that developing mismatch was discussed, it was a symptom of something else and it all landed on me, despite my protests ("But, I'm not the one withholding affection!").

The passive-aggressive accusation came early in our relationship (I know what it means now, but 23 years ago I had no clue when she leveled that charge at me. Ultimately, I figured that it was just some clinical psychologist jargon that she threw at me to put me in some "box," something she was having a very difficult time with). I haven't heard that from her in years.

I am not interested in changing who I am, I am interested in being who I am. In the area of sexual intimacy, the capacity for full self-expression of who I am appears (to me, and confirmed by others) "limited." In other areas I have chosen, with intentionality, to limit or put away that expression, at least for a time.

Again, why is this an issue for me?

I am in transition to the next and possibly last stage of my life and asking what's next and is this all there is? Many years ago I read Gail Sheehy's book, Passages, which I thought quite nicely summarized the sorts of predictable transitions we each go through during our lives. At least I could identify with what was written and in what I observed with other people. But if you really want to know a book that rang true for me, it was her book Pathfinders. In those words, I saw and identified myself as I transform through one phase to the next.

Here is something else that rings true for me as to where I am and what I'm questioning:

You've held to your sense of right,
your inner ethics,
even when it's been hard or dangerous or when others call you strange.

That strangeness sets you apart,
it makes you lonely.

What are you going to do about that?


Engage!