Poor H. He's really conflicted. (And don't I know how that feels!)
Last night he was listening to music while he worked on his computer. I heard a bit of it from the bathroom and came closer to ask what it was because it was so pretty. I listened to a few more bars and he told me the name of the artist, then I went back to my own pursuits.
This morning, the kidlet wanted a particular breakfast that I make. He asked his dad for it, but H didn't know what he was talking about so I explained it was a Mom thing and offered to make it. H ate cereal, so I made the Mom breakfast for just kidlet and me and then made coffee. H ate his cereal in the sun on the front porch while he worked out some programming stuff on a notepad. I did get a nice hug this morning, but I asked for it.
Later in the morning he told me that a co-worker of his was having a 'shindig' and that he would be taking kidlet unless kidlet objected. It was clear that I was not invited, so I said, "Cool! I have plenty of job stuff to do so go and have a good time." Unfortunately, when he told kidlet about said event, kidlet assumed all three of us were going. I suppose I should have let H explain why but that occurred to me after I'd explained that only he and his dad would be going because Dad felt it would be awkward for me to go. Kidlet was disappointed, but H will have to deal with that. It's probably too early for social integration on that level anyways.
So, back to the music thing... He just walked over, rummaged through his CDs and handed one to me. It's the music I liked from last night. He also found the individual case and showed it to me so I'd know what it looked like in case I wanted to buy it. Not only was this proactive and very thoughtful of him, but the music itself... It's really pretty. It's New Age-y, reminiscent of Enya, but with some hints of brazilian jazz and even some rythm and percussion you'd find in bellydance music. This is *precisely* the kind of music we make love to. In fact, when I first heard it, I felt a huge pang because I knew it was love-making music and I wondered if he was playing it because he was thinking of her.
But if it was special to *them*, he wouldn't have made an effort to give it to me to listen to... would he?
And here's the conflicted part - I thanked him after he handed to me and he turned away, unable to meet my eyes. He really needed a hug at that point but I wasn't sure I should have offered one. I didn't think the time was right to acknowledge the painful moment?
So he'll have some time away today, probably until after dinner and maybe as late as bedtime. Hopefully this will give him some time to get his game face on. Me, I'm pretty unflappable atm. I'm wearing a long, gauzy skirt and a black peasant blouse thanks to sandi's comments re men and skirts.
I also think I've sussed out the issue of whether or not I'm a WAW. I'm not. I almost was, but the walk-out button was triggered by his affair, not by WAW issues. I had actually made the decision to stay and try when the affair came to light, and I really feel it was that and not the other stuff, not even the alcohol, that made me leave.
Here's another conundrum re: WAW vs 180s. The old me was withdrawn, tense and actively avoidant. Doing a 180 from that means *seeking* his company and/or indicating a desire for it. But that's pursuing, and the potential WAS atm is him. I guess it's a balancing act, right? Still, makes it really hard to know what to do, how far to go, etc. I will continue winging it and playing by ear.
Yesterday while I was out, I stopped into a candyshop, the kind where they make chocolates, fudge, etc on the premesis. I bought a stick of rock candy for the kidlet and about 4 pc of choc. covered honeycomb for H. Honeycomb was a childhood favorite of his, and I got sugar free because he has reactive hypoglycemia. He marvelled a bit that it was honeycomb, but overall the gift fell a bit flat. I didn't give it to him in person; I left it on his bed. I thought giving it directly might be too much pressure. At any rate, whether it was pressure, or whether it was that he just doesn't relate that much to gifts, I won't be doing that again.
