H wants a D so we can date...each other! WTF??!

[Trixi]

I have "moved" over to Surviving, but I thought I would post this here. I'd be curious what Sara has to say.

Apologies in advance for the length. I had an epiphany as I was journaling this.

Counselor said I could share my feelings or not. It is my call.
His reasoning 'for' is so that my H can know the impact isn't as small is H seems to think. Since H has such an odd idea about divorce (and one that I don't share) it might be good for him to hear my side.

His suggestion is that over the weekend, I write down all the different feelings/thoughts ('voices') I have and then in the next session, using my strong independent 'voice' to express all the other 'voices'. Actually, I think giving voice to all those different parts of me is more for my benefit than for H's.

In my case, I think DB goes out the window at this point. We've been living apart for 2 years. He's talked about moving forward with D several times (granted, he hasn't done anything about it ) but he has never talked about us living together. IOW, he has been consistently leaning toward divorce the whole time.

His complaint is that I haven't held his feet to the fire and I've given him too long a leash. Yeah, he's right...BUT, I also have to wonder where self-discipline comes in. In counseling he said that he "wished he didn't exclude me from his life" and he "doesn't like how he treats me"-- those statements sound ridiculous to me. "I wish I didn't kick the dog everytime I walked by." Then effing quit kicking the dog, you moron!

I'm starting to think that he isn't capable of a real healthy relationship. And I know I need help with boundaries. In 2004, we moved from our starter house to a bigger house and rented out the starter. When he wanted us to move the the bigger house (with almost double the payment) I was freaking out. We had just gotten thru a rough patch and he said to me "This can be our fresh start." Years later when things blew up again he said that his idea (when we first purchased) was that we bought the second house to be his and the first house would be mine. IOW, it wasn't a fresh start-it was paving the way for divorce in the future.

Couple weeks ago he wanted me to get some hair off his shoulders. (hairy guy) His reasoning to me "It's so hot and sweaty. Makes me itch." Funny thing, he went on a beer float trip the next day. (That I only found out about because he got tagged in facebook.) So the REAL reason was for the float trip, not because it was intolerable to have hair there. This sort of "I need hair off my back because it's to awful" happened several times during our marriage and always happen to coincide with him going out on the water with his friends (where girls were)..and no, I wasn't invited.

Beginning of 2008 he was buying all sorts of VERY high ticket items for the family room. (Huge flat screen, expensive entertainment center) and I said "You aren't selling off stock to buy all this stuff are you?" and he said 'no'. Later at tax time, I see that $13K worth of stock got sold at that time. But here's where my problem comes in-- I DIDN"T SAY ANYTHING! I'm too afraid to rock the boat.

He bought an 06 convertible mustang (had to order it) and I found out it was coming from the neighbor who casually asked me if I knew when it was coming. That time I did say something. (It has already been on order for several months by then.)

I could give tons of examples of stupid small "spins" (or ommissions) he has done. The point is that he will spin his explanations so that I won't say/do anything to 'stop him' and/or so that I will help him.
He admits that he is very aloof when it comes to "friends" and has been since childhood. I know him better than anyone.

I did not see a good model of marriage growing up. I think I let my love for my H cloud my ability to really know what is normal/healthy and what is really just crap.

I don't think he is capable of having a real, true partnership. I see that I need to work on my boundaries, expressing my feelings without fear of abandonment...I am willing to do the work. I would have preferred to do the work with him in a marriage. BUT. Clearly he doesn't want to look at himself now. And he thinks divorce will keep him from being hurt.

It is not possible to have the sort of relationship I really want with him. I was patiently waiting for him to get back into the marriage so we could work thru things, but ultimately, that's not what he wants.

He's leaving me, yes. But he is also setting me free.
I'm being rejected and I'm sure in his mind, it's all my fault anyway. Like when I was upset at him going out to bars with his buddies and I asked "how many other *married* guys are there with you? It's not what a married guy 'does'!" and he said "yeah, you're right. But YOU should make it so I don't *want* to go out."

That probably conjures up visions of me being a nagging wife or a awful person (so that he felt like he wanted to go out) but the real deal (per his own mouth) is he liked to go out and flirt. He really, basically, just wants to do what he wants to do. In fact, I think I was way too compliant and understanding.

Well, as much as it galls me and goes against what I believe a marriage commitment is, I think I agree with H that we "should" divorce.

Ugh. that just makes me ill. and sad beyond belief. But if he can't be man enough to do what's right simply because it *is* the right thing to do and I have to somehow 'make' him, then he isn't mature enough to be married...right?

Do I bother to say that in counseling?