Running out of gas

[Jimbo]

I keep wondering if the fog will EVER lift, or if this is permanent. She's a smart woman. This stuff can't really make sense in her head. How do you not know what you want? Or not make an effort to find out? It vexes me.

I used to ask myself these questions, too. Even before my W's MLC went full blown, when I'd ask her what she was thinking or feeling about something, she'd usually reply, "I don't know". It absolutely blew my mind that somebody truly could not know their own thoughts or feelings about anything. One day, after a long time of hearing "I don't know", I was so frustrated and sick of it, that I just blew up at her. I yelled at her, "What do you mean you don't know?!?!? Of course you know!!!"

After all, everybody knows what they're thinking or feeling, right?

Well....I know better now.

The best analogy I can draw for all of this is the pressure chamber scene in the movie "An Officer and a Gentleman". Did you ever see the movie? Remember the scene where all the officer candidates are doing simple test tasks in the chamber, like playing patty cake or naming off playing cards as they are drawn from a deck? It's simple, run-of-the-mill stuff that everybody can do....until the oxygen in the chamber is cut back. Then the simple tasks become much more challenging. The patty cake players are much less coordinated and the guy labeling off the cards starts to have difficulty thinking, concentrating and speaking.

I guess my point here is that, to the people outside the test chamber, the people inside the chamber look like friggin' idiots! Who on earth goes from being able to think straight and do simple tasks in one instance, to being unable to perform the same way the next time?

But the people inside the chamber experience a much different reality than the ones outside. Imagine yourself in the chamber trying to communicate effectively to somebody outside the chamber, when you can't think straight or even concentrate on what it is that you're saying. My best guess is that, in that instance, you're going to be more focused on what is happening to you, than you are on what other people on the outside are thinking about you and your actions.

And here we are, on the outside of the chamber, wondering why our spouses on the inside can't see what is so clear to us "out here".....

Make sense?

[mountain_west]

This does makes sense, but this fog only seems to apply to Her dealings with me. Everyone else seems to be immune from this. She doesn't know what she wants. Doesn't know what she feels. Doesn't have the energy to do anything ... but only with me. She's out making new friends. She's got some guy she talks to all the time (I'm pretty sure). She has energy for everything and everyone else, just not me. The rest of her life looks composed and intentional. Of course, I'm not privy to those thoughts so that is all sorts of mind reading on my part. Maybe she's not as composed as she comes across. Maybe she's lost in every area, but from where I sit it doesn't look like that. Does that make sense?

[Done in VA]

MW - it makes perfect sense. It's what I see with my H too. That's what made it so difficult for me to label him MLC.

[mountain_west]

At least I'm not alone in my frustration and confusion! Part of my personality is having to know the answer. It doesn't matter what it is. It's what makes me who I am. Part of it too is that I think that if I can figure it out, then I can do something about the problem. It is hard to let go of my need to know. I have to or else I'm going to make myself crazy. I also it appears that this just isn't going to make sense, since it doesn't make sense to Her either.

[Coach]

I also it appears that this just isn't going to make sense, since it doesn't make sense to Her either.

There's your answer. So what's your solution?

You can handle it.

Cheers

[Jimbo]

This does makes sense, but this fog only seems to apply to Her dealings with me. Everyone else seems to be immune from this. She doesn't know what she wants. Doesn't know what she feels. Doesn't have the energy to do anything ... but only with me. She's out making new friends. She's got some guy she talks to all the time (I'm pretty sure). She has energy for everything and everyone else, just not me. The rest of her life looks composed and intentional. Of course, I'm not privy to those thoughts so that is all sorts of mind reading on my part. Maybe she's not as composed as she comes across. Maybe she's lost in every area, but from where I sit it doesn't look like that. Does that make sense?

This makes absolute sense. And, yes...there is some mind reading going on on your part.

She is putting up a BIG front for everyone (including herself!). Especially for you, because you know her so well, and she knows that if you saw through the facade, she wouldn't have a leg to stand on. But with everybody else, she can get away with putting on less of a mask. All the running around and trying new things, and spending time with new people is all exciting experimentation. But it's also a band-aid for the real problems under the surface. Right now, she is avoiding you because she views you as her problem. Eventually, all the running around and trying new things and meeting new people will become old hat. And then she's right back at square one. The newness and excitement is gone.

You've mentioned reading my thread before. Have you read the post I made about the visit I made to my friend where I met his MLC W for the first time? She is so far along in her processing that she can't even be bothered with holding the mask together for very long when she meets new people!

Trust me- Things are NOT as they seem, and, as much as she'd like to run around and pretend that there are no problems in her life now, this is all just an avoidance tactic on her part. If they don't already, people will eventually notice that something is "not quite right" with her. She will have to deal with her issues sometime- she just needs to exhaust all the other possibilities first.

[mountain_west]

There's your answer. So what's your solution?

I'm trying to drop the rope and step off the roller-coaster. All thinking about it does is get me all tied up in knots and that is no good for anyone. If she won't go there for herself, me stewing about it is pretty pointless. All I can do is to keep taking care of myself. I hope she comes around, but staring at the door/phone/email isn't going to make that happen any quicker. Doing things for me isn't that hard, really. It is the mental aspect of this that I'm hesitant about. There are some things that I could do to take care of myself that would shut the door with Her permanently. I'm trying to find that balance of leaving the door open (or maybe just unlocked) and living my life without her in it.

Trust me- Things are NOT as they seem

You have no idea how much I am hanging on to this thought. (Well, maybe you do. ) This whole thing just feels so wrong.

Somebody asked me yesterday why we were getting divorced and I had a hard time coming up with a reason. Her "It just isn't working" isn't really a reason. It's like I'm watching a bad movie.

I'm supposed to move on Thursday, but I'm hoping that the place is finished earlier so I can move a little quicker. I think the change of scenery will do me good. I'm obsessing over the apt...I wish I could just turn off my brain for a few days. Perhaps a vacation is in order. Turn off the phone, email, work ... and just play for a week somewhere.

[Jimbo]

At least I'm not alone in my frustration and confusion! Part of my personality is having to know the answer. It doesn't matter what it is. It's what makes me who I am. Part of it too is that I think that if I can figure it out, then I can do something about the problem. It is hard to let go of my need to know. I have to or else I'm going to make myself crazy. I also it appears that this just isn't going to make sense, since it doesn't make sense to Her either.

You are most definitely NOT not alone in your frustration and confusion, my friend!

It sounds like you and I really are cut from the same cloth, MW. I have the same "need to know" in my psychological make up, right down to the "problem solving" aspect of it- diagnose it so you can fix it, right? It's been a real challenge for me to accept that there's no logic to the sitch, and no fix for this except for forging through, but I've found my answers. You will too. Keep studying and learning all you can. Continue to educate yourself on what you're dealing with. It helps immensely.

I'm trying to drop the rope and step off the roller-coaster. All thinking about it does is get me all tied up in knots and that is no good for anyone. If she won't go there for herself, me stewing about it is pretty pointless. All I can do is to keep taking care of myself. I hope she comes around, but staring at the door/phone/email isn't going to make that happen any quicker. Doing things for me isn't that hard, really. It is the mental aspect of this that I'm hesitant about. There are some things that I could do to take care of myself that would shut the door with Her permanently. I'm trying to find that balance of leaving the door open (or maybe just unlocked) and living my life without her in it.

I couldn't have said that bolded bit better myself.

Striking the balance is admittedly tough. The bit I mentioned earlier about educating yourself on the topic helped me to have more compassion for my W and what she is going through.

Don't be afraid to live your life. Don't let the fear of losing her cripple you from working on you. If the two of you are meant to be, Universe will make it happen when the time is right.

Trust me- Things are NOT as they seem

You have no idea how much I am hanging on to this thought. (Well, maybe you do. ) This whole thing just feels so wrong.

Somebody asked me yesterday why we were getting divorced and I had a hard time coming up with a reason. Her "It just isn't working" isn't really a reason. It's like I'm watching a bad movie.

I know just how you feel, bro. It still, even after all this time, seems so surreal to me.

I'm supposed to move on Thursday, but I'm hoping that the place is finished earlier so I can move a little quicker. I think the change of scenery will do me good. I'm obsessing over the apt...I wish I could just turn off my brain for a few days. Perhaps a vacation is in order. Turn off the phone, email, work ... and just play for a week somewhere.

Sounds like an excellent idea to me. I took a LOT of time by myself to collect my thoughts and get my footing. But even this requires balance. Don't go to either extreme- don't become a hermit, or you'll just perpetually hide away from life and get down and depressed. But also don't spend all your time out GALing, or you'll avoid dealing with your feelings and your own personal issues.

With everything, balance is the key.

[hopeful_cb]

Just been reading along today and seeing some good comments. This bit especially jumped out at me

Don't be afraid to live your life. Don't let the fear of losing her cripple you from working on you. If the two of you are meant to be, Universe will make it happen when the time is right.

Also the importance of finding a balance and then trying to keep that balance w.o letting the fear knock you off. Good thoughts on this.

[mountain_west]

I've been reading around the different forums here. I have so much rolling around in my head that I just need to get it out. So ... what do you do when NOTHING works? When she's just clammed up as tight as can be?

I just need to ramble a bit ...
I haven't initiated ANYTHING for a little over 4 months now, with the exception of getting my move details taken care of. And all that has elicited is complete inactivity on Her part, except for her now having filed. Thus far, the way this is going down seems backwards. I get that she wants out. I get that her needs aren't being met (or are, but by someone else). She wants to move on with her life. Fine. So ... why the complete avoidance? I mean really, we're adults, right. If you aren't happy, say so and let's talk about how to split us up like normal people. It's her complete avoidance that just throws me. And ... it gives me some hope, albeit a nervous hope. If this is what she wants, she should be embracing it, right? I don't know. I'm seriously fighting the urge to call her and just talk to her. Before I get bombarded with 2x4's I know it is a bad idea and that calling her will come off as pressure and that nothing good can come of that. For whatever reason, in my head today is the thought that pursuing her and leaving her alone are BOTH bad options. Maybe lunch ... and a beer or two ... will put things in a better light.