I had mentioned to Dan that we needed to do the August schedule this weekend. He said he wanted to do it Friday (last) night. He texted me during the day that he wanted to meet up in Bellevue (where he works) after work. Then he texted again and suggested a steak restaurant. So we went and there was a wait of course, but he bought me a drink and then paid for dinner, too. So that was good! I don't eat steak near as often since he moved out, he used to grill steak 2 or 3 nights a week since he runs a meat company we get it at cost.
Weird thing is, through dinner I kept looking at him and it was like he wasn't him. I thought, if this had been a first date (I know it wasn't a date but that isn't my point), I wouldn't probably want to go out again. He had nothing interesting to say, said all he does is work, come see us, and work on house/cows.
Anyway he didn't want to do the schedule at the table (so why did he suggest dinner??), so we drove back to my house after. The schedule was pretty non-eventful, except that August included my birthday, Nathan's birthday, and our anniversary.
I had spoken to a counselor about our status (one of the Boundaries authors actually!) and he suggested a structured separation and possible Solution-Focused Brief Therapy counselor. FYI, SFBT is therapy that focuses on finding solutions vs. reliving and analyzing the past. Sounds a lot like Michelle's advice in her DB/DR books. The Brief part is that you start out with particular goals and focus on meeting them, so it is not open-ended and usually only lasts 3-6 months. The structured separation part means what is says, it is much more structured than what we have now. He has his kid days, I have mine, and we have a few PLANNED joint days for family activities.
So I told Dan I thought we needed to start the 'structured separation' process and about SFBT. He seemed surprisingly interested, wrote down the terms and said he would research them. Of course that may go the same way "talking to the pastor" went, nowhere. So we scheduled August under the idea of structured separation anyway, with more clearly defined "his" and "mine" times. Onward and upward...
Hey BBJ, Just following along....glad you guys are not sick. You seem to be doing well otherwise. Must be all the prayers going on around here. On the structured seperation, that is long overdue. My only concern for the kids (I am no expert) is how they react to this "family time" with both parents. I am of the opinion that kids seeing their parents together (having a good time) enables them to stay in the "possible reuniting mode". The same may also be true of the spouse who wants to work things out. There are no easy answers to all this. In retrospect, if I would have to do it all over again, I would get out of dodge as quickly as possible when it became apparent that the ex was no longer as committed to the marriage as I was. But that is Monday morning quarterbacking I guess.....thank goodness I do not go to the newcomers section.
Hey Bobbi, Glad Sydney is recovering and fingers crossed you dont catch it!
I'm sad that Dan has made no progress/changes at all, it must be very hard on you, but you are a real trouper and dont really complain too much to us all here even!! Was it hard going for dinner with him? Did you DB him at all? Flirt? Or was it business as usual?
Al xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
it has been a while ..what with your many goings on and trying to get health restored at your residence and me trying to pour myself into securing my eventual permanent residence (EUREKA on that one it sure seems)and first of it's kind.
It pained me slightly to read about the way you processed the recent dinner encounter w/ Dan in hindsight. So of this processing is unavoidable and some of it is not.
It occured to me that if you are both looking accross the table and trying to detect signs that the other one is displaying (or could be ..or couldn't be ..or could be)that in and of itself would take what might be a more pleasant event and turn it on it's side.
I speak for myself and maybe for you as well (not sure there) when I say that I have not even approached utilizing the 'Act as if' technique to it's fullest.
It, like so many of the techniques which MWD expounds upon in her terrific books is so very counter-intuitive. But I sure do remember the example that she shared of her own personal experience in trying to diffuse marital discord. She mentioned about her being away on one of her many tours of the country in support of her profession and how she could just about pin down the very words she anticipated hearing from her H upon her return to the home and all of that reintegration process after the H was playing the stand-in homemaker. She figured he would fuss and complain about her being gone for so long.
Then she put the brakes on that whole thought process of hers and eliminated the associated negativity from her mind. I can relate to this sorta stuff so well cuz I perceive that my darling travels down the road of thinking worst case scenarios at every turn. I can't recall an instance of her leaning in the other direction and thinking best case scenario. I really can't. I tend to think that it is sadder for her than for me that she finds herself trapped in that mode of thinking. I try to point it out to her as I feel it is my duty to at least do that much as her dearest friend. The dearest friend is to hold the mirror for the other to trully see what they do or do not got going on.
Alright...that was enough typing 4 moi. need mucho rest. really.
Hope you extract something meaningful from my collection of words.
I am doing well. Went to visit my sister in Des Moines area Sunday night-today. Got home around six. The garden company came out yesterday to start work on my backyard renovation.
The retaining wall is up and filled in with dirt, and the sod is up where the patio will be. Slow starting but I am just excited that there is finally movement!!
Dan continues to be so random. Got a call over the weekend from a car dealership (he is getting rid of one of his two trucks and trading in for a fuel-efficient car), they called my house looking for Dan to confirm he was coming by to look at a car again. So I guess he gave them my contact info? Then he texted me a couple hours ago to let me know he finished putting the first new window into the house he is renovating. Guess he felt I needed that information. Actually to me it says he still wants to have that connection with me but I guess he doesn't want it badly enough...
Actually to me it says he still wants to have that connection with me but I guess he doesn't want it badly enough...
Hey BBJ, I have had similar reflections in the past and occasionally have recurring ones. I guess the only way to find out what is in the LBS's mind is to actually ask the questions....which I have not done.
Actually to me it says he still wants to have that connection with me but I guess he doesn't want it badly enough...
Hey BBJ, I have had similar reflections in the past and occasionally have recurring ones. I guess the only way to find out what is in the LBS's mind is to actually ask the questions....which I have not done.
Anyhow, glad you are doing better.
Been there, done that...I actually have asked. Well, anyway, I have pointed out that we spend so much time together that everyone from the pastor to the counselor to his own parents want to know why we aren't back together...He just says he will always love me but doesn't know how to let go of the past/resentments/unforgiveness. And I believe that is a choice we all make, to hold on to past hurts and be miserable or to move forward and be free. I can't make his choice for him so I stop asking the question...
He came over last night, Nathan came out of bed crying for his dad at 10 and wanted to call him. So I let him. He hung up and said "Dad said he'd be here in 5 or 6 minutes..." Um, ok. So he showed up 15 min later, Nathan was asleep on the couch. He woke him up, cuddled him, then carried him to bed after about 10 minutes.
Then he walked out to check out my landscaping (in the dark!). He kept saying how great it looked, that the guys I hired (first time I ever made a plan and carried it out totally on my own, without his input) did an awesome job so far, the grading work was perfect, and for 1/4 of what the guy he had come do an estimate last year wanted to charge...
So, not that it matters, but for once he had nothing bad to say about the choices I made. Landscapers are back today finishing the patio, they have put in about 100 plants and it is awesome! I will take pics to put on FB.
