I wanted to let you know that I have not deserted you. I started to reply several times and thought it would be best to let the LBS try to comfort you. I wished your W would get her head out of the fog and see what a great guy she has. Some day, it will eat her up what she did to you. I was looking at my H yesterday when he fell asleep watching TV. He was so tired and didn’t feel very well. I began crying thinking about what I did to him. How in the name of God could I do that to a man as “good” as my H?
Sweetie, I would never in a million years have believed that “I” would have EVER thought about another man. To actually “do” that was never in my heart………as you said about your W. However, when I was unhappy in my M, I did “fantasize” about meeting somebody else or living a different life. You know…the “grass is greener” syndrome. I had that on & off most of our M life. Not a good place for a person to be.
If your W’s friend is not OM except in her mind…that is still very serious. Maybe she would never have considered having an A before, but people change and people do things they would never have thought possible. Beware and as the saying around here goes….."hope for the best and prepare for the worst". When you said this, I just shook my head. You are such a “nice guy” and can’t seem to help yourself:
Quote:
“I wanted to assure her right off the bat that I wouldn't screw her, I wouldn't intentionally hurt her as revenge. I then told her that I had some thinking to do before I respond to it.”
Did you ever think that she needed to worry about what you would do? She needed to worry about how you would react to her letter, but as usual, you rescued her from any of that concern. She has placed herself in this situation and now she must suffer the consequences of her choices. Stop recuing her from bad choices. Just as a parent has to step aside to let the child learn from his/her mistakes….you have to do this with your W.
You once said that you did not want your W to see the “police officer” side of you that you have to project at work, but I am of the opinion that is exactly what she needs to see. Be that tough cop when the situation calls for it.
After you told about her having been M once before and then meeting you over the Internet, I am wondering if the “newness” of this R has worn off and she is chasing after that “in love” feelings that often go along with new R’s.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Did you ever think that she needed to worry about what you would do? She needed to worry about how you would react to her letter, but as usual, you rescued her from any of that concern. She has placed herself in this situation and now she must suffer the consequences of her choices. Stop recuing her from bad choices. Just as a parent has to step aside to let the child learn from his/her mistakes….you have to do this with your W.
You once said that you did not want your W to see the “police officer” side of you that you have to project at work, but I am of the opinion that is exactly what she needs to see. Be that tough cop when the situation calls for it.
YEP. Orich, this doesn't mean being a jerk. It means showing tough love. As a man, I understand your desire to help her ease her fears - to solve her problems and allay her concerns - that is what we, as men, are taught our role is - to be the protector. But, this is one time where you have to let her confront the reality of what she wants to do. It doesn't mean you don't love her. In fact, it really means, and shows, you love her enough to let her deal with this. She will not see it that way, and will throw this back at you and make it your fault/unreasonableness, etc. Be prepared for that and realize she is just being like a rebellious teenager who isn't getting her way.
And a huge load of donkey bollox to them. Funny how people find out who their true friends are.
Did you tell them of your faith in what you are doing? Showing them the positive Orich, the confident Orich?
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
As a man, I understand your desire to help her ease her fears - to solve her problems and allay her concerns - that is what we, as men, are taught our role is - to be the protector. But, this is one time where you have to let her confront the reality of what she wants to do. It doesn't mean you don't love her. In fact, it really means, and shows, you love her enough to let her deal with this. She will not see it that way, and will throw this back at you and make it your fault/unreasonableness, etc. Be prepared for that and realize she is just being like a rebellious teenager who isn't getting her way.
Noted for my immediate use. Orich - wise words for we Protectors. This message is repeated by the "old-timers" here over and over if the sitch requires it. Gee-whiz this is hard. I know you just want to dive right in - show her what a wonderful guy you really are. I'd do it too. Painful not to do it - ow pain.
The roller coaster ride continues... This morning, W left for her upstate trip. Before she left, she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go. 20 minutes later I got a text message: "I am sorry about the letter I wrote. I don't know why I wrote those things and then regret it. Today I wished to stay home and we could all do something fun. Maybe I am just mental. I don't want to break up the family or hurt you." Me: "I don't know what to say" W: "You don't have to say anything. Just wanted to say how I feel." Me: "You don't want to hurt me, yet you keep telling me you don't love me. I don't want to break up the family either, but I want my wife to love me." W: "I don't know how I could have said I don't love you. I'm sure I must still do." Me: "Go with me to Retro. If you still have even the slightest feeling, maybe it will help us." W: "OK, book it. I won't change my mind" Me: "OK."
WTH? Anyone? What is going on? PS, I am not giving up, I don't care what half of my friends say.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Yep. She's scared. That feeling that she had today? that is love. It is a small niggling feeling that lets you know that your souls are tied together. It is not the head in the clouds, I'm in love craziness that we have with new love.
She has called. It was then she decided against going. So I can go ahead and complete the registration.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
And this is why we can't build our lives on feelings. Feelings are like the wind, they change. And they are supposed to change. You wouldn't say the wind had to blow from the north every day or you couldn't be happy. And you shouldn't think that you need to feel in love everyday or you can't be happy. Love is deeper than that, and love is something you create by making the decision to love, not something that hits you over the head.
