Need to vent slightly. I stayed up until midnight talking to my W last night to "be there" for her and listen to all the problems she is having at her office. We went through our financials to see what it would be like if she quit her job - I told her the extra $$$ she makes isn't worth her sanity and happiness (She cannot stand her boss). Went to bed thinking this was a good thing.
So, this morning, she was to meet with one of the higher ups to discuss her problems. She IM'd me to tell me the meeting went well, and that she and this person were trying to meet with an HR person this afternoon for possible solutions. That's when the communication went DEAD. No update, at all, about whether she had that meeting or how the rest of her day went. I fight the urge to send her an IM to ask what was going on.
OK, so I get home, and she is on our back deck talking to one of her girlfriends - kids are inside. I do not eavesdrop, but after I walk up (back door to house is near the deck), she begins whispering/talking low. I have been home aboout an hour and a half and nothing from her about her day. NOTHING. She is talking to me and is nice - but all conversation is about other things.
Dammit, I reach out to her (the woman who tells me she wants a D) and let her know we can make it without her job, and that I just want her to be happy. And, then she does not give me any update about this afternoon.
I am angry, not sad, angry b/c it is so disrespectful. She calls one of her girlfriends - maybe she should have called the girlfriend last night and talked to her until midnight. At least I could have gotten some sleep!
I really do not feel like talking to her or being around her right now.
OK, better now. Just had to get that out.
I suppose this is the WAS' version of the rollercoaster. Anyone got a take on this? Do I simply suck it up and act happy or is it ok to pull back tonight?
You already know the answer. Upbeat, cordial, game face on. If you pull back, she will retrench because it will confirm every reason she thinks she has for leaving.
For all you know, she went to whispers because she was telling the gf she couldn't believe how supportive you were and how much that confused her. Try not to assume or mind-read.
It's hard. It sucks. But when we all made the choice to save our marriages by ourselves if we had to, we knew this is what we were signing up for.
It's the 'worse' part of the ol' for better or worse and we signed up for that, too.
Sorry for the cold comfort, but you'd do it for me if I needed it.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
givingitmyall, don't forget how we women like to talk to other women! You know how differently men & women "think" and she probably wanted to talk to a gf b/c she felt like another woman would "understand". Not that you don't understand, but it's like when two women go to the bathroom....together. Men don't do that! Go figure! That is just the female in us and it won't change. Continue to be there for her about her stress, etc., but you came very close to "pushing" b/c you wanted to help her so badly. I know it's hard and you feel you can't fixt this. Remember to let her come to you with her problems and you "listen".....don't fix it, just listen and sympothize. That is one reason we women turn to our gf to talk is for the sympathy.So, now you may feel as if I’m telling you to be like a woman! (lol) No so.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I re-grouped and had a discussion about her day. I started it by asking how the rest of her day went. She told me not well, then filled in the details. She did have a bad day.
So, I listened and fought that urge to fix it. I told her the situation sounded frustrating. I also told her I was here to talk about it if she needed/wanted to. I also asked her if there was anything I could do to help. She said she "appreciated that" but that there was nothing anyone could do.
I was angry and hurt she would turn to others not only before me, but to the exclusion of me. I know that is not surprising. I'm ok now, really I am. Just was not very happy earlier. Will get a plan for the weekend and will have a great one.
don't forget how we women like to talk to other women! You know how differently men & women "think" and she probably wanted to talk to a gf b/c she felt like another woman would "understand"........ That is one reason we women turn to our gf to talk is for the sympathy.So, now you may feel as if I’m telling you to be like a woman! (lol) No so.
Sandi, I'm so happy you mentioned this. It should give the guys some hope. It has to me. The W is going to her very best friend this PM. Fingers crossed, they manage to work some of this cr@p out between them.
Interesting thought hit me on my way to the gym. W is pretty frazzled over job stress. This am, she has a headache. She is struggling with whether or not to resign next week. We (or is it SHE?) need the $$, but can do it, at least short term, on my salary alone. But it will be tight.
Knee jerk reaction was to stay home, not work out, and keep the kids so she could take it easy. Wait a second, that is what you want to throw away! Nope, going to the gym. And while I will listen if she wants to talk about it, SHE NEEDS to stress over the job situation. If she wants to be on her own, then she's got to deal with this...ALONE. Which means she NEEDS to spend time with the kids, with a headache and with her OWN demons @ the job without ME.
Great workout. 30 minutes high intensity upper body followed by 30 minutes on the stationary bike. W is in bed with headache and nauseau - stress!me and the kiddos are going to do something cool today - just don't know what yet. Feel bad for W but strangely not too bad. Hope that doesn't sound ugly (not happy she feels bad).
