Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

No, you didn't expect it or agree to the sexless-marriage arrnangement, but it got handed to you anyway, irregardless of your own thoughts and desires. SHE broke the marital arrangment, SHE broke your marriage vows, and yet SHE expects you to just keep on, hangin' on.

At what point do you finally say "Enough is enough!" and put your foot down? At what point do you ask her, "Alright -- if not with you, just WHO am I supposed be intimate with and have sex with? Because I absolutely refuse to live out the rest of my life without it: this issue is now a NON-NEGOTIABLE item to me. I've been patient with you for a long, long time, but my patience has now run out."

Before you just decide to quietly become a Walk-Away Spouse, which is one of two potential outcomes that I see for you right now (the other is to remain in the marriage, silent and miserable), you owe it to yourself and your wife to confront her over this issue, so that she knows, without doubt, exactly why you are considering leaving. She may decide to do nothing about it -- in which case you can leave wiht a clear conscience. But she also might surprise you and decide that her relationship is worth saving. You won't know unless you directly share how you are feeling with her.

I went back and looked at our wedding vows (I have the videotape) and there is nothing in there about the continuation of sexual relations as being a condition of marriage. There is "forsaking all others," as well as "in sickness and health" and "to death do us part."

So, your argument that SHE broke the marriage vows are based upon some sense of fairness (that there is something wrong that needs to be fixed) and that there is a non-negotiable expectation/right to sex within the marriage.

There is a single word description for males when this "right" is put into action. Are you sure that is what you wish to advocate?

We all have the freedom to act unilaterally. Again, the formal negotiation over this issue took place over 8 months. We had clear rules of negotiation between us and each of us had the ability to unilaterally end the negotiation. What neither of us put off-limits was a "no-sex" alternative. Maybe that was a mistake in setting the limits. Or maybe I simply did not allow myself to think this a very real possibility.

But that is all "past." What is present is an awareness (on her part) that I am withdrawing and withholding, that I am actively disengaging. I now answer with "I don't know" or "I have nothing I wish to share on that," if I say anything at all, rather than expressing an opinion, an observation, or sharing some knowledge I hold. As a therapist, this may have her worried, but I am not certain.

Finally, I would not use the word "miserable" to describe the condition I encounter. I know "miserable" and this is not it. Silent, yes. I cannot answer the question as to when I say "enough is enough." Apparently, I am able to go much further than most.