I am doing ok. Trying to really get to the next level of letting go. For those who read this board it is probably wierd to hear and I still believe in standing - but I also believe that you can't change someone you can only change yourself. AND I REALLY believe that now.
I am angry, but not the same way I was before. Oh I'd like to punch x in the face but I wont. Thats who I used to be but seriously - I won't react.
I am sure some day if I meet someone that I too will want to share that person with my kids. AND I am trying hard to do as you had suggested, just support my daughter.
I am staying away from him for now. Don't want to see him. If that means locking myself in the bathroom when she leaves and comes home, then for now that is what I will do. I really have nothing to say to him. NOTHING and he doesn't have any "need" for me or of me so what is the point?
What is so dumb is that I CANT see his face - if I did it would mess with my mind. I NEED to see him for who he is right now or I guess who he has been for the last 2 years. A liar, sneak, cheat, and really just not a nice person. AND YES I KNOW the MLC monster "has ahold of him" - but it IS who he has CHOSEN to become.
While I was leaving for work today adn walking to the car I started thinking about when he left. All the "granduous" plans he had.. Oh d12 I will come and take you out to eat. You can call me - I will call you bla bla bla. NOTHING has he done that he said he would do -- ACCEPT LEAVE.
His words mean nothing - His actions show everything.. and yes I am angry
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
C I can understand your feelings and feel the same MY xh plans didnt work out either I think they do plan this great escape and how wonderful it will all work out I see and speak top my xh daily as I am his secretary I see confusioon, he makes mistake after mistake with work I hear depression in his voice I see the opposite of a happy, content upbeat person I see the happiness in me..funny thing is he left to find it and I GOT IT! I think that is from the willingness toi NOT RUN,,we get it the joy from facing our stuff..again something my xh has not been able to do Im beginning to think maybe some of them will NEVER really come out of the fog and will stay mentally ill till the end peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I realize some do - but man oh man the work that it is to come back THROUGH. EVEN if NOT to come home but to face so much of their own pain.
I too have found peace/happiness and don't have anxiety.. it is a good place to be though it wasn't where I wanted to be - it is where I am.. and I believe I am coming to acceptance - which has been a very very long time in the coming.
I have also come to realize that I still need to work on forgiveness. thought I had - really thought I had but yesterday there were sermons that I stream online - well uh I can say today that I still need Gods help on this one!
Hope your day is good.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Sometimes I look back at time, since 2005 and think oh my gosh where did this time go. Am I normal? lol Because like you I really do believe that marriage is a life long commitment. If I could have had a different belief it would have been much easier.
There are just still alot of emotions and still some days of i cant believe this is my life.
I would have done anything for things to be different....I really hate this for my kids! It is about the foundation that we teach them and its so hard without that!
It is a terrible hard journey but one we are all walking.
i read a WONDERFUL new book that has really gave me insight into my life - standing and what I am doing. AND it enforces to me AGAIN that WE CANT DO ANYTHING to bring them back. IT IS TOTALLY on them.
The name of the book is "I do again". I grabbed it because it was very open and honest and real. AND FOR ME it gave me insight into my x's head. Made so many things make sense. AND IT IS BRINGING me healing.
Today while journaling I buried my old marriage. I cried and probably will cry again -- but it was time. If GOD ever works on xh and XH heeds to that call I believe GOD adn GOD alone can restore our marriage. BUT XH has to do the work on himself.... and it is hard hard work. Introspective - feeling what he has done.. and accepting that marriage was work and friendship and love and understanding. I dont know if he will EVER be able to do that.
In the 20 year I was married to him I saw him be 100% open and 100% humbled 1 time. That time lasted about 3 years.... then the old self came back with a force I never knew. It took him - he went and he is gone.
So today I am at my grave site of my marriage...right now all I see is desert land, no flowers, no hope - just lost.
(sorry to be a downer..it is actually very healing for me.. and it is a place i didn't want to be.)
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Hey Cagz...Ive been keeping up with your posts....I guess we just have to go through all these levels of hurt to be able to heal....Im still waiting for my next level...the Divorce...hasnt happend yet and I dont know when it will, but Im dreading the new level of sadness and hurt that will bring.
Take Care
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
x texted me yesterday -- apparently he was sick (AGAIN!) he gets sick alot... he always did when we were married and seems to be more now. ANYWAY.
typical text. "i have a fever... bla bla" I didn't text back. (he was suppsoe to have d12 this weekend). I told d12 to get in touch wiht him and see what his plans were going to be. needless to say I haven't heard a word back from him.
this is the part that is confusing............ we back off and don't communicate...... he does teh same. i have not had ANY converstaion and/or contact with him since BEFORE the 4th of July. Dont even think I have seen his face. so strange
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
C sometimes I think it is better little communication Its sad for our kids b/c they dont get the prority they deserve I find myself covering a lot for XH with my kids I dont want them to see him but they do honesty is better you are doing well..your faith is strong and all of us have to let go more as we move ahead peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
but seriously - I won't react.