Actually I'm not frustrated in my sitch, but for all the other people here.
Just venting here, but I like how our WASs tell us that they know what it is to be in "real love" and how "marriage should be based on love", etc.
They refuse to go to T or MC, saying that there's nothing wrong and they know what it should be like, etc.
When we, the LBS, are reading everything we can about "true love" and "unconditional love" so we understand it better than anybody. It is also in our research that we find out how simple things would be to turn around if our WAS bothered to do so.
Orich's case is the perfect example. His W tells him she doesn't want him to be mad at her, etc. How controlling can that be? Same thing happened to me. But they turn around and call the LBS controlling. Crazy talk I tell you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hey Stuck, thought I better come check on my friend. I am always reading your posts on other threads, and they are good advice.
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Orich's case is the perfect example. His W tells him she doesn't want him to be mad at her, etc. How controlling can that be? Same thing happened to me. But they turn around and call the LBS controlling. Crazy talk I tell you.
Some WAW’s want to maintain a certain level of R with their H’s when still living under the same roof. I think their idea R would to have H as her friend and yet be free to have A’s. Unrealistic? Of course! But, most of the WAW’s thought process is unrealistic. That is why I have to take each stitch here on the board and think about “how” a man should respond to his WAW. You see, in my case….if my H had acted all buddy-buddy with me and as if he were my BFF and gave me his blessings even though he knew about my EA/OM, … then I would have had it made! That was not the case and he informed me that we would not live on the buddy-buddy system. What he meant was that he intended to be my H and not a “friend” for the rest of our M life. Now, don’t go jump your W’s bones just b/c I said that (lol) b/c my H has been the most patient man I have ever known, but he let me know where he stood that day when he told me all of that. I hope I’m not talking in circles and getting anyone confused.
Stuck, I will tell you, as before, and any of the other men reading…..if your WAW has had plenty of time to get through her grieving or the “grass is greener” syndrome, and you feel that she should be showing a considerable amount of more sexual needs toward you, and yet she isn’t….I really think it could be a sexual hormone deficiency. I’m not trying to put all the WAW’s in that category just b/c I discovered about my own hormone problems, but it is so wide spread and so many women do not have that information. They have no idea what a difference it makes in her body. When her natural hormones are not producing what she needs, then it causes problems that she tries to compensate for but it is not the same. That is one reason that she’s vulnerable to walking out on her M (IMHO) and falls to the flirtation of OM. When those “false chemicals” began to flood her brain and she suddenly has those old familiar feelings that use to be her natural hormones…..it is fantastic!!! She doesn’t want to lose it ever again! But, it doesn’t last. Some WAW’s are very depressed and like any addict, they go seeking to find that “feeling” again.
Anyway, I just wished your W could find a doctor who was into the bio-identical hormones b/c it makes all the difference in the world. Even young women can have a deficiency in her hormone levels. If a woman has no sex drive…that is a pretty good indication that something is not normal.
Has your W shown any “flirty” ways with you? That is usually how women will act if they are interested in having sex. When it has been a very long time for the couple and the LBH’s self-esteem has been hurt and he’s waiting for the W to initiate sex, he may be waiting for her to come on stronger than she’s able to do the first time. Not knowing your W…I can’t judge, but I wonder if she’s thinking that you need to indicate that you still desire her after what she did. How does she respond to you flirting with her? If she does NOT respond to you flirting, then she’s not ready for sex (IMHO) But, as I’ve told you before (I think)…don’t wait until an hour before bedtime to turn on the charm. Women want that charm up in the daytime b/c if you wait till time to go to bed, she feels as if you are manipulating her to get sex. She wants charm, flirting, sexiness….the whole nine yards….all the time. That’s not too much to ask is it? (lol)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Stuck, I will tell you, as before, and any of the other men reading…..if your WAW has had plenty of time to get through her grieving or the “grass is greener” syndrome, and you feel that she should be showing a considerable amount of more sexual needs toward you, and yet she isn’t….I really think it could be a sexual hormone deficiency.
Uh, I have been signed up for this plan! I do not see ANY desire on the part of my W to flirt with ANYONE. During the night the bomb dropped, she even said "I don't want ANYONE touching me" and "I don't want a R (romantic) with ANYONE."
Great advice Sandi, but I am at a loss as to whether I should bring up hormone testing/treatment or even how to do it without it coming off as something akin to a DAM blaming his W's issues on "that time of the month."
but I am at a loss as to whether I should bring up hormone testing/treatment or even how to do it without it coming off as something akin to a DAM blaming his W's issues on "that time of the month."
That is a common problem among the men who have W’s in that condition. And, you are right, b/c I have been like the W who did not want my H touching me and if he suggested “anything” about a doctor, I thought he wanted a pill to make me ho#ny. They had a program on Oprah one day about a couple like that and it was very explicit. I was amazed how it helped the woman and she even looked different after her hormone level was healthy. If only your W had another woman who had been through it and would talk to her. I know it is awful for a man who doesn’t understand how it must be. Since it is something he wants as much as “air to breathe”, he doesn’t understand why a woman wouldn’t feel the same way. I don’t know how to explain it except to tell you to imagine the worst possible thing you would not enjoy doing……..and realize you could go the rest of your life without doing that and not miss it. It is like when men who have low testosterone do not have much desire. Doctors have discovered that when women are given small doses of testosterone that it helps their drive. I’m sure you know all of this, but I am talking as if somebody else should read this also.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Um - add me to the group advocating bio-identical hormone replacement. I didn't need female stuff, but I needed thyroid, adrenal support, progesterone for awhile, DHEA, Vit D and iron. I was horridly anemic and Vit D deficient even in sunny SoCal. My DHEA test they had to do twice b/c the first time they couldn';t find ANY. Depression, fatigue, irritability, loss of interest in *everything*. Yep, that was me.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Ditto from the male side. bioi-dentical testosterone, Armour Thyroid, DHEA turned me around physically coupla years ago. The testosterone is also a big factor in how strongly your heart(beat) contracts.
And (repeating myself ad nauseum, here, but) amino acids did for my depression what meds didn't (The UltraMind Solution by Mark Hyman. Okay, gettin' off the soapbox, now.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I wonder why it is so hard to find a doctor to help? I had been trying for years to get help. I told one female doctor that I needed help b/c my sex drive was so low and she sent me to a psyc. That wasn't the kind of help I was looking for! I went one time and saw that wasnt' for me when she enouaged my EA!! Anyway, if you are not healthy to the point they can't even find certain hormones level in you.....that's bad! When it's that serious, I don't think any talking is going to help, just like I don't think romancing is going to help.....it it isn't there, the wife can't help it! It would be like trying to have a baby without being pregnant.....!
I would tell my doctors that I wanted my thyroid panel checked and they would just do that regular "routine" check and not the breakdown. I went through I don't know how many that did that. I was almost on the verge of giving up. I had read Suzanne Sommers book about her experiences on that subject and she & I are the same age (and yes, I look just like she does!) but some of the things she related really hit home with me. But, I couldn't find anyone in my small area to help and all they have to do is take blood test!
The first day I went to this Gynecologist he took the test and told me all the areas I was deficient. I'm surpirsed I could get up and walk across the floor as bad of shape I was in! No wonder I felt like I was dying a slow death! It has only been three months and I can tell a world of difference. As I said before, I have been given hope......and that is something very valuable! My H has been given hope too!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Uh, I have been signed up for this plan! I do not see ANY desire on the part of my W to flirt with ANYONE. During the night the bomb dropped, she even said "I don't want ANYONE touching me" and "I don't want a R (romantic) with ANYONE
I heard pretty much the same thing myself!
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but I am at a loss as to whether I should bring up hormone testing/treatment or even how to do it without it coming off as something akin to a DAM blaming his W's issues on "that time of the month
I did bring this subject up with my W in May. I let her know that I was here to help her anyway I could. I suggested going into see a doctor to get some blood work done. Just to make sure everything was ok. If theres nothing going on great if there is then we can proceed as per doctors order.
It was not recieved well. She asked me, if I asked you to go to the doctors, would I do it for her? I said sure I would. She then brought up everytime in the past 10 years I did not go when she thought I should.
So I've let it slide for a while and the subject comes up here, must be something to it. I was thinking of asking a friend who has been through it to get her doctor to send some offical looking letter that has a marketing package inside for their practice.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
Yep I think our W's are looking for that "in love" feeling. The only problem is that they spent so much time detaching to get out of that "in love" feeling with us, that they don't realize they have to WORK on getting that feeling back.
It's their choice to leave, yet when they think they want it to work, they expect it just to happen.
Yeah, my W just seems to have been waiting to see if the "feelings" come back and they haven't she informed me yesterday. But she's not interested in hanging out and going on dates anymore because those "haven't helped". Things seem to be coming to a head right now, but W has been making some changes like closing her shop and wanting to move into a house from her apartment that should allow her to think a little more about things. She's been completely preoccupied with her own life and work to think much about "us" for the past 2 years.
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Orich's case is the perfect example. His W tells him she doesn't want him to be mad at her, etc. How controlling can that be? Same thing happened to me. But they turn around and call the LBS controlling. Crazy talk I tell you.
My W has told me this also. Then she's called me controlling just yesterday??? That she doesn't have a say in things??
BTW, sandi, if you wouldn't mind looking at the latest developments in my sitch. I'm running out of time and drive to continue this.
