Today I am feeling some anxiety about this Friday.
First, last night I got home and W and d8 were not at home, and I was fine with that, no note, etc, but it didn't seem to bother me. Later, she called and said she was out at dinner, and asked me to ask my SS if he still wanted her to bring him home some dinner. I chatted a bit about dinner, and how my D was doing, then W asked if she should bring something home for me to eat as well. I was all set, so said no. (I forgot to thank her though for asking, but too late now.. ) All was well until they got home, and I saw my W was really dressed up sexy. I tried not to say too much, but think I ticked her off when I said wow, look at you! I think she takes that as a negative. I need to stop noticing and commenting on this, but damn it so hard when she looks so darn good... Any ideas on how to handle this when it happens? God, I am so bad at keeping these hurt feelings inside when I see her like that..
Anyways, I am taking my d8 to the fair on Friday, and W is going with us. Unless she decides to back out at the last minute, to which I need to not react to if she does, and allow her to do so without feeling rejected or hurt. However, even if she does go, I need to DB all day while we are out, not pursue while there with her, and try and focus on D's fun and just having fun with that.
After that, d and I are going away for the weekend, and that has me anxious as well. W is staying home, and I don't seem to do well at that, I build all these stories in my mind about what she is doing. I HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT!!!
Detach, detach, DETACH!!!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
W backed out of going to the fair with us today to go shopping for a new car. Writing here to vent a bit, and not let her know that it is bothering me, but man does that make me sad. Nothing I can do about it, but go and have a good time with my d8..
Also, after talking with my IC yesterday, I realized that when I see my W dressed all sexy now a days, I get really emotional, and my behavior when I am was insulting to my W. Not even saying negative things to her, just my actions and tone of voice when I am sad/hurt/angry were coming through.
So, I manned up this AM, took her aside and apologized for insulting her at times, and told her what emotions I was feeling when I see her like this, and that those come from missing her, missing ML with her, etc. I did this in not a critical, nor needy way, but felt is was the right thing to do for me. I told her she need not reply nor am I looking for a response.
She visibly softened up after I apologized and I got a hug, and as I went to leave, she talked a bit about the new car she wants to buy, and my d8's playing with our dog yesterday, seeming to want to keep me around for a couple of minutes after.
Last edited by iwantittowork; 07/24/0912:02 PM.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
God, this is going downhill fast. I am not remotely religious and I just sat by my bed and prayed for someone to bring my W back to me.
I need help and strength, big time. I got home from taking my D to fair, and W was at home, I asked about her car shopping, and she said she really didn't do much as the weather was bad. Looks like she maybe didn't want to go to fair with us..
And, she's moving into another room in the house to sleep, as there's no need for us to sleep in the same bed anymore she says.
I am trying to keep my game face on, but she is really pulling back. I bought some kettle corn from the fair, something we always do, and she just came in and asked if she could have some?? I was cordial in my reply, and said of course, I brought it home for everyone, and she just said thanks and went on her way.
Man this is tough stuff on me. How do you take this day after day, and I know she hurt for a long time as well, so I am really trying...
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
On the religion front, I grew up going to church, but really didn't listen. I'm not overtly religious now, but I'm not afraid to talk about it if asked. There simply is no single source of strength I have found greater than God. I am thankful that my sitch has made that clear to me. Not trying to convert you, just telling you what I have found.
As far as how to manage, that's a tough one. But you can do it. The early parts, just like when your W first told you she wanted out, are hard. But it gets better with time. You focus on you, make your changes, and give her lots of space. Trust me, this will work for you. You will find peace. The lows will come, but they will start to come less often and will be less severe.
You have to firght the desire to want to pursue her or to initiate R talks. I know what you are saying about the separate beds - I'm in that world and have been since April. It sucks, but being in the house with my family (however that is defined these days) beats the alternative.
One of the other things I do when I get down is to focus on the kids. Find something to do with them. Go to a park, watch a movie with them, read a book with them. Anything. That serves two purposes : (1) it is good for you and the kids and (2) W's love to see their H's playing with their kids.
My W has gone and bought some packing bins, and plans on packing up her prized spirtitual crystal collection. She's had these out ever since moving in with me, 12+ years ago. That is really tough to take.
I am doing my best act as if, after everything last night, I was able to go downstairs, act cheerful, bought a comedy movie, told her I was going to watch it, and asked if she wanted to watch with me. She did. Then she went off to bed in the other room. I wished her a good night.
This AM I am packing up for the weekend away with my D8 at my nieces 1st birthday, and trying to focus on that to keep a cheerful view.
Inside, it truly feels like my heart is ripping in half, when I look around, look at my W, and everything in life that was our family. Deep down, I believe I will be ok with or without her, but I so want her and our family together.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
To say I don't understand what is happening at times would be the understatement of my life so far.
In the face of absolute failure, the loss of the love of my life, watching her separate from our family, myself, dreams and what I had thought would be our future....
I look at my W this morning, and she is absolutely stunning both physically and as a person to me.
Yet, I do not fear these thoughts, nor do I dismiss them, but embrace them as my truth. I also am unafraid to tell her this in the face of certain failure: So I do that just now before I leave with my D8 for the weekend.
I literally have a tear in my eye as I write this and prepare to head out the door. Peace to you all. Please those of you that read and can help with your thoughts and prayers, I ask for those now....
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Yet, I do not fear these thoughts, nor do I dismiss them, but embrace them as my truth. I also am unafraid to tell her this in the face of certain failure: So I do that just now before I leave with my D8 for the weekend.
I hear the emotion in your words. And I, and many others, have been exactly where you are. Let the emotions happen, embrace them (all away from your W and D), and then pick yourself up and keep moving forward.
I wish I had an answer for you, but you and I both know there isn't one. It just IS.
Pray about it and spend this time focusing on your D and yourself.Those things will make it easier. But it's going to take some time.
Things probably look bleak right now, but it isn't over and neither is your fight. It is just changing a little bit. There are many people here who had their W move out and file for D that reconciled. If she moves out, the does of reality could be a good thing.
But remember, this is a time for you to work on yourself - to change to become a better, and STRONGER, person. For yourself and your D. Your W will see these positive changes. We have no control over what our wives chose to do about our "awakenings" but we can certainly make it more difficult on them to cling to their decision to leave.
I'm praying for you and I'm sure many others are too. Pray for strength, peace, wisdom and patience. Then let them come.
You can do this, and you are a lot stronger than you realize.
Posting this from my cell phone, so hopefully not too many typos... Have not even been gone for a couple hours yet and already mad a msitake.. W called with a tech question on our car she wants to trade in while she is out car shopping, I originally missed the call, but 20 minutes later see the call and call back like a puppy dog. Realize now that was a mistake but I was so happy to feel needed for a bit I forgot DB and should not have called. Well, will try not to beat myself up over it and move on and try harder again next time...
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
