Lastnight my DD looked over my shoulder & asked me what I'm doing on this board. I told her I'm gaining a deeper understanding of the workings of relationships and what went wrong with mine. She asked what I'm learning. I replied, Well for instance I've learned that respect is VERY important to men, even more so than the love itself. She looked at me like I had two heads and responded, "ahhh, of course. who doesn't know that mom. You can just pick up any 17 magazine and know that." ROTFLOL!
I dreamed Mark, the BF, came to set fire to the basement in attempts to burn down the house. He told me I had about an hour to take things and leave safely and then he left. I started to pack dishes and frying pans, but the dishes were dirty & I was considering if I had time to wash them first and in fact started the dishwasher. Very symbolic. Crazy stuff! I can almost imagine what it means, but I looked it up- Fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular. To dream that a house is on fire, indicates that you need to undergo some transformation. To dream that you are packing, signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues and/or relationships to rest and behind you. It may also represent criticism and anger. To see a frying pan in your dream suggests that you need to start accepting the consequences of your actions. You may have found yourself in an inescapable situation. If the dishes are dirty and unwashed, then it signifies dissatisfaction and an unpromising outlook. You may have overlooked some problems in your life or you have not confronted your emotions. To dream that you are washing dishes, suggests that you are moving on and planning for the next thing that comes your way. Wow. Well that's my subconcsious at work. Before I woke I dreamed I went to take one last look in the basement and there was no flame, just smoke melted stuff a real mess. It appeared that my clothes washer had been running and the water spilled out and extinguished the fire. I was upset because it hadn't been badly damaged enough to hide the fact that Mark had set it intentionally. Oh and our bed sheets were in the washer. {Cats were not in dream, lol} All this with no spicy food or alcohol. Seems if I can't figure this out in my waking, I'll get to it in my sleep.
Perhaps the dream was the impetus, I have pulled together all the floating thoughts and made a letter for Mark. It is 3 a.m., so I will have to edit with daytime eyes. suspect it may tend to the dramatic at times. I do want to give it to him, but of course the 24 hour rule comes into play. It may be best left here. Those of you seriously applying DB principles would caution against sending. I'll try not to be too impulsive, see what the next couple days brings. Maybe putting it all together for myself is enough. WARNING>>> LOOOOONG
MC, Since you’ve been gone, I have been reflecting on our relationship so that I can better understand and make changes that may be necessary. Initially this process was purely intended to help myself become a better person in hopes that I could make corrections that could improve my chances of having a more successful future relationship. I have come to a number of realizations and have a good idea how we got here. The blessing we could take with us out of this shambles is greater wisdom, knowledge, an ability to speak up when things get off track, a greater insight into our own needs, desires, and how our own actions contribute to the success or failure of our relationships. I can’t take this message any further until I tell you that I am so very sorry that my actions hurt and angered you. I understand now that you felt I disrespected your opinion and it must have left you thinking that I did not value your feelings. I am sorry to the depths of my heart. I apologize for failing to communicate to you my thoughts and feelings, and for not understanding yours. I feel terribly about my inability to do so. I have learned a painful lesson in this experience, and if I were ever given the chance to do so, I would not allow things to deteriorate again. I was an idiot. I hope you can forgive me for failing our relationship. Maybe you can begin by forgiving me 10 or 20%? I understand that any amount of forgiveness doesn’t signal that I have not made the mistakes, I know you have resentments. Please temper that by acknowledging my better qualities and remembering things that I didn’t screw up. I would like to express to you my most genuine appreciation for all that you brought into my life. I am sorry if I have left you feeling I was ungrateful for all that you’ve done. I was negligent to not show you more obviously how much you meant to me. I never took any of it for granted. I thought you were aware of how much I appreciated you. I hope you can forgive me for not acknowledging it in a way that made you feel how very much I did value and respect you.
As much as I am willing to acknowledge my failures & shortcomings, I have to say that I alone am not to blame for the demise of our relationship. You say you walk away with no responsibility on your shoulders. But actually, we both contributed equally. We both lacked the necessary experience in healthy relationships, in communicating honestly, and in being absolutely committed to the success of our relationship. You once asked me to write to you about love. I would add only one thought to that paper, that loving is remaining committed even when your partner is not very lovable. On a much deeper level - it has to do with bonding, becoming attached, and feeling like family. I’m not naming names…. but “Some people have problems with this kind of love, and may not be able to be attached in a deep way. They may be perfectly capable of falling in love, but not capable of staying committed. People who walk away from nice partners just didn't know much about how to LOVE, even if they were IN love.: I speak generally when I say no matter what relationship you’re in, you have to resolve your own fundamental issues for any of them to work. Any relationship will befall the same fate as long as the pattern is carried into it. This reality is the motivation for my need to analyze and understand what personality dynamics were occurring between us.
By the time that you left, I was certain you didn’t love me. I’m not a mind reader, and you scarcely spoke about your feelings or intentions. So I listened to your actions, like you have told me to do. For several months I saw nothing to indicate that you loved me or wanted to work on our problems. I made a few futile attempts to discuss what I was feeling and to understand what you were, but I quickly dropped it when you were unwilling to have the discussion. You were sick, cranky, and admittedly fed up. I was sad, lonely, and miserable The relationship suffered.. This isn’t what we’d hoped for. Despite our best intentions we let something unhealthy fester in our relationship. It seemed it would be a difficult course to reverse. Unable to see my own role in this problem, I thought of myself only as a willing partner in that venture. But I lost faith that you are willing or able.
I did love you though, enough to let you go and give you up because I could see how unhappy you were. I'm prepared to live without you even though that's not what I wanted, because I want you to be happy. I convinced myself that I was never going to be the woman that could make you happy. In the end, I strongly doubted you and did not believe you loved me.
While on holiday, the breeze coming from the sea told me you love me and I could feel it in almost a tangible way. I know that sounds crazy, and I don’t even know how to explain it except that your name and a wave of feelings reached my consciousness. It was so unusual and powerful that I have had to consider that it may indeed be true. Previously, I had viewed the situation as hopeless since I didn’t believe you had feelings for me, and I admit I had given up on you a while ago. This awakened a new realization and with it a renewed hope for us. When I spoke to you about this experience, you said I shouldn’t need a supernatural event to tell me what was in front of me all along. But quite honestly, I could not see it in front of me for a quite a long time. If you thought it was obvious, I am telling you that it was not.
How the hell did we turn something with such potential into a disaster? There has been damage done on both sides here. In a healthy relationship, each partner feels valued, cherished and respected. If these elements are lacking, a void exists in the relationship and both partners share the responsibility for that. The greatest threat is the inability of a couple to communicate these feelings to one another. When our relationship was new, we discussed this very ideal and we both agreed that it was true. Yet we both failed to do so.
“Couples may feel wronged by their partner but are unable to express what they need different. Instead of discussing the situation, couples tend to blame the other for how they are feeling. This only continues the negative sequences and makes you feel even more disconnected.” I can’t know for certain what you felt or thought about, but if I’m on the right track, it seems we both responded badly to our doubts and insecurities about the relationship. We both had doubts about ea. others true feelings, level of commitment, or depth of understanding and in response we had a similar reaction. You became cranky, I became sad. We both withdrew and put each other through a kind of invisible litmus test. Watching what the other did in attempts to gauge the other’s level of involvement or authentic emotion. It was unfair that neither knew the other was stacking up the evidence. All this could have been avoided through communication. I rarely expressed to you my need to be held by you or even touched by you for any other reason than you wanting sex, or the need to hear your verbal confirmations of feelings for me. Instead I decided the relationship was one sided, that you really didn’t care enough to reach out to me. I believed the evidence showed you were not emotionally invested as deeply as I. I remember the last sweet thing you said to me was nearly a year ago. If I didn’t kiss you, you wouldn’t me. If I didn’t touch you, you wouldn’t me. If I didn’t call you…. All this was the evident actions that I made assumptions about and which caused me to sulk. Simultaneously, you noticed my physical and social withdrawal and then began to look for more signs to build your case. We alienated each other at the very time that we wanted to love, and know that we were loved. All I wanted was to have you show any small indication that you understood I felt alienated and concerned. I now realize that acting sulky and stingy was not the way to get a message to you. My Mother behaved/es this way. In my case, it seems to be a learned behavior. Even though I didn’t like when she did it, and I didn’t understand it nor what caused her to be like that, I am programmed to follow the pattern she taught me. I recognize this problem and I hope to catch myself from repeating it. Most likely my Mother learned it from one of her parents as well. I am determined to break the chain here and stop this detrimental behavior. It is non productive and causes my emotional state to sink and pitiful thoughts to occur which may be somewhat accurate, but probably more dramatic than necessary.
I believe your illness had a very negative impact on our relationship. The longer you felt sick, the more irritable you became. I was deeply concerned about your health and grew increasingly frustrated that you were unwilling to do anything about it. It wore me out. I began to wonder how would it be possible for you to care for other people when you couldn’t care for yourself. No matter what progress I attempted to make with you to steer you towards responsible action, you were stuck doing nothing about it. I felt you disrespected my concern and opinions regarding the situation. It made me feel helpless. Your inability to deal with your health made me feel like you didn’t value your own life. I felt you owed it to the people who love you to take better care of yourself. You refused anything I offered in the way of advice and ignored my pleas for help. The same man who worked his ass off to build something for his life was willing to sacrifice everything in his life and possibly even his life. If you lose your health, and your relationship, and you can’t take time & effort to see that your son gets educated, than what is it you are working your ass off for? These neglected aspects are what actually comprise your life. Imagine how disrespected you felt when I brought home the cat. That’s not unlike how I felt when you disregarded my concern for your health. It was like hitting a wall. It felt hopeless. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to feel so crumby for so long. I would think it would feel overwhelming at times. I watched you becoming increasingly irritable the longer you were sick. I even contemplated that it could be yet another symptom of the mystery illness. Quite honestly, it became nearly unbearable at times. When you became demanding, disrespectful and angry, I tended to be less caring and considerate, leading me to do less for you. Instead of giving you what you need, demands disrespect and anger caused me to resist and withdraw. I wanted you to have what you needed in our relationship, but this was not the way to get it. In fact these behaviors were what prevented you from having what you wanted. I needed you to Express your needs. Understand me. Take care of yourself. Be honest about what causes our problems. Everyone functions with some behavior flaws. If we ever had another go at it, I would ask that you have some empathy & understanding for mine. I promise I would have more for yours.
I KNOW that we could come through this if we both wanted it. If someday you are prepared to make a conscious and serious decision to work with me in restoring us, you can you count me in. It may not be easy. We would have to take it slow, learning to love trust and respect each other again. I understand it would be a challenge and I realize the extent of the process we would embark on by trying. I would be willing to make a cognitive choice, not purely an emotional decision, to begin that process. No one knows what lays ahead, but we don’t have to feel certain about the future while we work on changing the ways we perceive and treat each other. It would require that we put negative feelings aside and commit to the process. I know you well enough to guess that you may be reluctant to try simply because you think it would show weakness to return to a failed relationship. But in reality, It would mean showing great strength. It may well be one of the most courageous acts of a lifetime. I know my issues and although I am willing to make changes, I can make no promises, There are no guarantees, only hope and faith. But I do know I care about you enough to want it to work out. I can imagine what could be in our future if we are both able to make the changes we would be asking of each other. I still look into the future and see us together. If you don’t, and can’t imagine us being happy together, then this idea doesn’t work and it's best to take what lessons can be learned from this experience and move on. Regarding my pets: I understand how uncomfortable you have been living with animals. I felt negated that you failed to acknowledge the compromsies & lifestyle changes I made to accommodate your disdain for my furbabys. I am so sorry that the decision to bring a companion feline into the house caused you to leave. I have had pets all my life. It’s just so normal to me and they bring me much happiness. In Nov. 2005, you told me you would never ask me to get rid of my pets. Although it was clear that you were not happy to share a home with my pets, I never imagined you would walk out since you have always known how I feel about them. Even when you warned me that you would, I mistakenly did not take you seriously. I thought you’d calm down and it would ultimately be ok. I was just as shocked and disappointed in you for leaving as you were at me for bringing the cat in. Just as you can say I chose a cat over you, so can I say you left me for a cat. To me it’s trivial. To you it represented a lack of respect for your opinion. I went about it wrong. I was fully wrong to do what I did the way that I did it. It was selfish and inconsiderate. Once I decided I wanted the kitty, I tried to sell you the idea using every angle I could think of. Your stubborn resolve left me feeling less like a partner and more like a subordinate. I do not like feeling controlled and it provoked a rebellious yet passive aggressive side in me that overpowered my desire for your comfort and happiness. This was also happening at the time that I was convinced you no longer cared for me and so it was a display of intense dissatisfaction. I resented your ultimatum. What was going on here was most definitely not the constructive dialogue that could have prevented this. I felt you were overpowering me, you felt I was disrespecting you. This situation with the cat would have played out very differently if our form of communication about it had been such that we each felt understood and valued. You wanted so badly for me to see your point of view, yet you had no tolerance to appreciate mine. We came at this from totally different perspectives and failed miserably in communicating that to each other. I think considering that I want to enjoy my pets, and you can’t stand them around, you having your own place is the most sensible solution. We can all {including the pets} be relieved that the tension is off. I have considered several options of compromise that could accommodate this problem, if we ever got to a point where it was possible I will discuss them with you. There are options, whether or not you would consider them now that you’ve been left feeling disrespected is of course purely up to you.
I assure you I put my heart and soul into us and I loved you more than I ever dreamed I could love someone. I was happiest when you were affectionate towards me because it made me fell loved. When I felt that, I wanted to shower you with love and affection. At these time I felt we were blessed and lucky. Many weeks have passed since you’ve left and yet you remain the object of my heart’s desire. You may harbor fear that I can not change. Don’t underestimate the lengths I would go to in order to correct bad habits and restore your faith. In writing this, I have tried very hard to impress on you what I can see and what I would do. I have made excuses and defended myself perhaps a bit too much, justifing my actions because I continue to seek your understanding. But more importantly, I want to recognize and correct my faults. I want to be better and if I have more to learn, than I pray that deeper knowledge will come with time. Overall I present these thoughts to you in great humbleness. I acknowledge my contributions of wrong doing that have brought us to this place. The truth as I know it as well as my heart is in these words I have written you. Time tells all things. And now no matter what happens I walk into my future with no burden on my shoulder. I know what work must be done on myself. If you ever wish to be with me, I would come to you with an open heart. I have learned a lot about myself and relationships by contemplating ours. This knowledge may have never reached me if we hadn’t had this separation. However painful it has been, it brought about some good for me. I know I am better ready to make the effort towards our success. I am very prepared for you to not chose to do this. But I won’t deny that it would be disappointing, but understandable. I’ve said all I have to say to you and at least I move on knowing that I would have been a willing partner in the quest for a good and healthy relationship. I can walk away with a clean conscience.
Peace be with you always. May you live in happiness. And may you know that someone you left behind will always forever love you
Well it was surely cathartic to write. But it will need huge editing if I intend to have Mark see it. I will keep cutting until it is no more than 2 pages. That should leave just the most important meat and take away the redundant and the emotional dramatics. But I do feel better to just get it out of my head.
The dream & the letter were helpful to me. I didn't send the letter, it was enough just to get the thoughts & feelings out of my head & my heart. I felt better for a while. But now I am missing him again and I long to see him. It's so difficult to be doing the self reflection and practicing DB principles when there is so little contact in which I can demonstrate my understaning & show my interest & concern. My GF ran into BF and he felt the need to defend his version. He told her I didn't care that he was sick and that I didn't consider his feelings when I got the cat. He told her he loved me so much he would have laid down his life for me, but he didn't believe I felt the same for him. What the...?! I don't kow how he can be thinking I wasn't concerned about his illness!! And how dramatic - he loved me enough to die for me, but not enough to live with my cats! This all seems so unnecessary and sad. I know my perception matters little and I should remain focused on his.
I met him soon after my exh left our home to be with ow. He became an important crutch to my emotional state at that time. I think I didn't have enough time & space to get over exh on my own. So that not only does this situation bring it's own pain, but it's ripped the bandaid off exposing the older wound as well.
I am discouraged that I have so little opportunity to show him what I've learned and to demonstrate my concern for him. All I can do is call every few wks and sound cheery & interested in him. I'm working so hard on my PMA and it's frustrating that I have so little avenues to show him. I can say there is what I'd call baby steps, but it's stopped there. I fell like I'm stuck in the muck and can't move on. I know time is required if this is to work, but it's hard to surrender to time. I feel like I'm in suspended animation. When I can snap out of this pitiful mood, I think I'm due for a phone call to him. That always makes me feel better anyway. And it's all I know to do at this point.
I was just thinking about your sitch and the lack of contact and I wondered if it might be worth you reading up on Transformer's and Brandnewday's threads. Transformer has been DBing her BF and is maing some great strides with him in spite of living in different states and long periods of NC (up to 5 months, I think). BND was a success story whose H moved 3000 miles away when he left. They didn't have much contact but she brought about a successful reconciliation and their M is going strong. Transformer recently posted to AliSuddenly in piecing so you could click her profile and locate her threads from there.....
Anyway, I just wanted to say that lack of contact isn't necessarily a bad thing- it can work out for the best and there are stories on the site that support that....
Oh thank you so much! I am going to look into those threads. It's so nice of you to think of that & give me a heads up. I am quietly doing the things I know I need to be doing. I sense that it's too soon for him to see as the full transformation has not been achieved as yet. (The transforming does not include rehoming the furbabys, but virtually everything else I can think of). At some point he'll have to come to get some tools & stuff he left behind. My challange is to be ready for that visit. And as of now, NO I am not ready for the man to walk thru my front door. I have work to do! If I am going to surprise him and cause him to pause, I have made some progress, but more is required. This is always difficult work, regardless of the circumstances. With my exh, it was frustrating cuz although he was in frequent contact he was involved with ow. My current situation involves no ow, but very infrequent contact. I know if I didn't call to check in from time to time that I would never hear from him again. So once more, it's all on me. But I am pretty good today. Missed him as usual, but it wasn't so depressing today for some reason. I see us together, so I have faith & patience. {usually! lol} Every day I want to call and every night when I realize I made it thru the day without caving into the urge is a triumph. I wish I had a dime for every time I picked up my phone with the intention to call or text him, but I manage to control myself and pass on the urge. I'm like a junky trying to stay off the stuff! I want to hold him and nuzzle my nose at his neck and breath his smell. I want to make his cerrase tea with lemon in the mornings. I want to throw my leg over him while falling asleep. He's my "drug" of choice and I'm addicted. I even miss his maniac kid, so that really says something! I actually long to see the feral child. I've got a bad hang up on this guy for real. haha
OD, Thank you so much for the suggestion. I've read pages of these past threads until my eyes feel like they're bleeding. And I do think that the light has been turned on! Even though at one time I was very successful comprehending the concepts of DB and thought I knew it well enough to skip the beginnings this time...... I was mistaken and have sailed right off from the target. For some reason, I thought my situation was "different" because I wasn't M, because my BF still loves me, because he walked out for pride alone. Despite my previous experience with this I have gone about it quite wrong. I have repeatedly told Mark such things as I miss him, that I wish he missed me, that I love him, that seeing him is a sight for sore eyes, that I want to get together w him, I suggested couples therapy, etc. OOPS!!!! I invented my own rule that because I know he loves me I should appeal to the emotional connection. I did nothing to prevent him from leaving although I was almost certain that I could "fix" the situation if I wanted to. Instead I sat back to see how it would play out without my assistance. I gave him the ultimate test - would he try to "fix" it ths time? He had threatened to run away from home twice before and I had persuaded him to stay - so I was confident that I could have some measure of control. I was so fed up with his illness & depression it caused that I shook up the status quo. I believed I had influence on him. (as I now sit with nothing at the end of my rope I am proven wrong!) Even when he left I figured he could need some cool out time and eventually he'd come around and be receptive to my offerings. I do think i could have prevented him from leaving, he even said as much. (last we spoke he talked about how I was showing him apt. listings and offering him furniture & that's when he knew for sure he would leave). At the time I hoped he would admit he didn't prefer to go, or that he would offer a compromise. I mistakenly thought I was DBing by appearing strong and ready to accept his reaction. I thought I was DBing at the time, but it was far from it. When I should have fought for the relationship, I did not. When the time passed for the fight, that's when I began it. Since he left I have unintentionally added pressure to the situation. He was conflicted about leaving, but is now committed to that decsion. He is not going to appreciate any r pressure because it will bring confusion and he intends to stand firm. Yet I have applied that pressure in some way nearly every time I have seen him or talked with him. 3 times in a row when he came for mail I asked if he would see me if I called him and he just stood there looking so torn and hurt, and not responding. The last time I even urged him - just say no if it's no Mark. And he still couldn't say no. A few wks ago was the first time I asked him to meet me. He explained that he believes I would take that opportunity to weaken his resolve and manipulate the situation by taking advantage of his feelings for me. And in fact - that was exactly my strategy. I would appeal to his affection for me and take it from there. I am overdue for a 180! Even a 90 would be better! This situation of mine needs NO MORE PRESSURE.
Taking Stock: 1. When he left he wanted nc. I was at work while he moved and he called to say "I'm out. It's done. Take care of yourself... goodbye." He intended that to be final. He now is quite friendly on the phone and even said he doesn't mind talking to me if I want to call back sometime it's ok. I thought this was a baby step because of what I was doing. I now know that it was a baby step inspite of what I was doing! 2. (This falls under the category of #1, but I feel more successful if I subdivide it. ;-D ) Initially he ignored my texts. But the last several texts I sent he replied quickly. This is a baby step, but again it's despite what I was doing. 3. Mark had to stop by the house several times in the first couple months because he didn't get his new mail key. This was golden opportunity time and I squandered it by suggesting we could resolve our problem, telling him I am waiting for him and not moving on, that the door is open, throwing my arms around him, etc. The last time I did the latter, he returned the hug with his hand at the small of my back for more than a moment. Once again this was a small step.... not provoked by my excellent DB skills! 4. Mostly I have been upbeat when speaking with him, and have dropped snippets of info about cool stuff I've been doing. He even commented that good, it sounds like I'm having fun. I steer the convo to be about his health, his work, his son. I've given cheery encouragements and cracked a few jokes. I do not give away the level of my heartache and despair. I do think that this is one area I have not messed up too badly in. It may account for some of the minor positive steps. This does feel counterintuitive, but I believe it is an important part of the process.
Damage Control: 1. After my terrible behavior, I may have to go dark. He has to contact me at some point to get things he left behind. I intended to use this as an excuse to call him sometime in the near future. But he knows the things are here. If he wants them, he will have to contact me. I told him I am likely moving in the next couple months, he will surface. Of course he's waiting for my call because eventually I break down and call. He doesn't know that I am disappearing like a submarine under water. 2. I must stop playing around with the gal pma business and get serious about it. It is vital to success. For myself as well as for the R.
He called! This morning. He had on his "work" voice. Very official and cold sounding. He wants to bring me some cd's tomorrow a.m. and asked me to load all his pictures and work files from my computer that he used to use. He wants to pick up the loaded cds on sunday morning. I reminded him that I'm moving soon and he has tools & stuff in the basement so he said he'd get all that sunday too. I wanted my life to be perfect the day he turned up, but there's no time left now! I have a huge event at work this eve and I'm preparing for that already. No time to clean house. My house is horrible because I've been pulling everything out of closets and drawers and making piles of stuff to get rid of b4 the move. It's just a disaster! I may have to meet him outside to pick up tomorrow a.m. Hope I can pull the house together by sunday a.m. I work weekends so this is a daunting task at hand! There couldn't possibly be a worse weekend for him to come! In my perfect scenerios, I would have taken many bags & boxes to charitable donation and sold all the unwanted furniture. Instead it's all piling up in the entrance & hallway. I hoped he would come and see zero clutter and sparkling clean house that smells yummy like frankenscence. In a perfect world he would come at eve. and I'd have cooked and could offer him some. Darn, not to be my perfect way. This was the first time I've talked to him since he moved without saying something about how much I miss him, or telling him I love him. He was brief and I didn't try to linger on phone for more. I asked how he's doing and that was it. I miss him soooooo much. To hear his voice and have it be so curt & to the point is quite painful. I'm going to cry a little now. Then my busy day is waiting for me. What's going to be the best way to handle the 2 brief visits? I can't help but think sunday could be the last I ever see him. I have maybe 1/2 hour to cast some small doubt in his resolve. I know I should look gorgeous & be bright and cheery. I'll do the best I can to straighten the house back at least to how it was, if not to what I aspired it to be when he arrived. I am not ready. I need a crash refresher course! What to do?!
Got home from the work event very late. NO WAY can Marky see this house tomorrow. When he calls I'm going to say I'm at the park with dogs or the coffee shop and have him meet me there. Or that i have to work early and have to reschedule... That's if he calls. Hopefully he doesn't just show up.
I'd say that if you don't want him to see the place tomorrow and it's not a good time for you you're prefectly within your rights to suggest an alternative.
Why not just call/message him and say something's come up and you need to reschedule? IMHO there's no need to wait for him to call or to risk him popping round unannounced- you can take control of the circumstances under which you see him...
