~ My story ~

[25yearsmlc]

Dear D78

I'm confused. You contradicted yourself. You are mind reading or something about what you think he's doing but i can't say if that's true since you gave no examples of what he's doing to make you believe he's doing the last resort tech and ALSO, what is YOUR understanding of what LRT means? ( I'm curious about your definition b/c I saw a disagreement on another post so there's some confusion).

I really want to help but then you also said you hope you are not too late and need to step it up...BUT then that you like the pace you are going...so wth?

Which is it?

Don't do or say something to please me or misrepresent b/c you think you'll offend. Just say what's going on so we can best assess and help.

It's your life. We're all here b/c we've all had rough patches. Very rough. Some get back together and some don't but there are people who can benefit you regardless of their m's outcome and you have to pick and choose whom to follow, and separate the chaff from the wheat about what best fits your situation. Keep Reading the Books you got please....you will learn a lot.

The simplest thing to do is remember this: even when you think you are "right" about something, (and maybe you really really ARE) ask yourself whether your approach is helping get you somewhere? In short, Is it working?
Sounds so easy but I was angry at my h for years when he would work late as I saw it as choosing work over family. And I did have a point sometimes. But instead of whining or nagging or being sarcastic when he arrived home, which NEVER worked and upset or escalted the tension for EVERYONE, why didn't I change ME? Why not welcome him home to a house of warmth, love and acceptance? Oh, b/c he was "wrong" to do the extra work to impress a colleague? Well, maybe. But he didn't stop doing that with MY approach, and I cannot go back in time to get those years back now. I mean, What if I had changed ME, and what if he then had come home earlier half again more? That would have meant a lot to me then, and maybe I'd have changed even more towards him and maybe that would have begotten more change and movement in him, and me and "US" towards each other and GOd knows the kids would have seen LESS fighting which would have been such a good good thing....but I was SO SURE I WAS RIGHT TO BE ANGRY and even now, when I think of it, I see my logic!! I feared that welcoming him home when he was late would "reward" his "selfish" behavior and he'd take me for granted...but he didn't want to come home to a shrill shrew and that's what I became at times....granted, it was long before his MLC and all, but still those years are gone.

Today I shake my head and say "so what if I was RIGHT? My approach did nothing good!! Doesn't that put at least SOME of the blame on ME? The answer is...YES it does...so learn from my mistakes. I'm lucky to get a do over in this regard.

For instance, If you have justifiably nagged/complained about something he does, for YEARS, and STILL DOES then you need to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT why is it we women tend to simply get louder and more shrill instead of changing our behavior?

Decide if the behavior REALLY IS a deal breaker and do a lot of reflecting and praying on that question FIRST...b/c a lot of stuff is small stuff and you can tell your h 2-3 times you don't like it but if keeps it up, drop it if it isn't a deal breaker. Sure you can harbor a grudge if that's your choice but it's far better to cut him slack on ALL the small stuff...life IS short..

So you can decide not to care, or decide IT DOES matter A LOT TO YOU and so you change the behavior of YOURS to get a change in him and if that does not work then you have to leave him, etc etc. Point being, don't keep on doing what does NOT work. LIfe is too short to keep rehashing crap from the past.

You won't see things from the past the same way so don't keep harping, and any good mc will tell you to "Lose the scorecards" and start from NOW...going forward and see if you both want the same things AND what you will DO differently to get those things. Don't repeat the poor behavior just b/c you make up after fights well. Know what I mean?

It's a hell of a thing to teach your kids and a lousy way to live together, especially when it can be so much deeper...
here's a question? Have you felt DEEPLY in love with any man and if so, for how long? Just curious.
good luck and give some specifics so we can help you....

(( hugs ))
J-