Gima, Thanks for taking the time I appreciate it. I needed to (re)hear all you said, especially this nugget
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
You can't MAKE her change, but you can make her WANTto/THINK ABOUT changing.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Minor disagreements, but in 15 years, I cannot recall what I would call a big fight we ever had. This is not unusual.
You, too, huh? If you've said that in the past, I've forgotten.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Just keep doing what you are doing. Get more and more comfortable with you, let your confidence grow, allow your religious relationship to evolve. These are the things YOU can control. Everything else has to work itself out.
Thanks, again. You've helped bring me back to center. Really.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Ok, picture yourself trying to approach a scared critter.....Does that help?
. Does it ever. Great analogy. And funny since I picked blueberries for my wife this morning and put them on the counter for when she came to get her mail. I was in the shower when she came. She took 'em.
Your post will help me remember gentleness. That's key right now.
Last edited by Gardener; 07/24/0910:39 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Stop. Just stop right now. Stop that 'thinking alot' thing. Thinking alot is like hitting a dead horse. Swirling thoughts of shuddawuddacudda that go absolutely nowhere. The past IS the past. Who you are now, how you're growing and changing in a positive manner is what counts.Backward thinking is guilt's slippery way of holding on. Shoo, guilt, shame, shoo.
Thank you for the much-needed (and humorous) slap upside the head!
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
How about changing the sentence to what YOU need in a relationship? Successful relationships are dynamic, not one way scenarios.
. Not sure what you mean, here.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
"When blah blah..., I feel blah blah, because blah blah."
Or in the situation you describe
"When you're in the house unexpectedly, I feel uncomfortable because (fill in the blank)."
It's expressive without being judgmental or aggressive.
Gardener likes this. Very good.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Oh yes.. and if you're looking for a GAL experience, come see "The Music Man" in Shelton running this weekend and next. Broadway caliber sets, spot on period costumes and skilled performers.. simply amazing! Contact Center Stage in Shelton for info.
As I was logging on to the forum, I was thinking, "'well, what am I gonna do tonight?" True. Now I know. I'm going to see The Music Man. Gotta leave in about 15 minutes. thanks!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And, then again, how does setting that boundary square with my post of yesterday, i.e., letting my confused, scared friend know she can be safe. Here. With me. Again? Just call first before coming over? Am I setting a boundary or adding to the distance and discomfort?
Over over thinking!
Your analogy is right ontarget with some of what I think about.
I have the same apprehension every time I think about my sitch, it drives me crazy.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
Instead of wishing your wife would fill out a slip saying what the core problem is, consider writing down what you need in a positive relationship.
I'm officially tired. Two shows tomorrow.. with me ushering, helping in the wings, hosting a few kids between performances and a cast get together after the show.
Hi Gardener! I see you have had much help here and hope you had your question answered. I see most LBH's doing the "over thinking" so I suppose it is natural.
My first thoughts about this situation would be that it has to be one of two ways: 1) if the two of you are going to act like “friends”, then wouldn’t another friend call or knock before entering your house; or 2)if she is free to do your house that way, you need to ask her for a key to her place so you can come & go as you please there!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok, picture yourself trying to approach a scared critter such as a stray cat or a deer, etc. All you want to do it help it - pet it, feed it, rescue it, etc. But you know if you take a step toward it, if you look too threatening, it will scoot further away or ball up if it's trapped (or maybe even lash out at you), or it will bolt and run. YOU may know that you're not a threat, but IT doesn't.
Same principle here. With the critter, the best way to coax it is to put the food down beside you, a little distance away and then read a book or do some other activity that takes the pressure of your interest off the target. When that happens, you open the door for the critter to gradually approach to investigate what you've offered.
This is a whole lot easier on both you and the critter than provoking full flight through the underbrush, ending with a grab and tackle maneuver that is pretty much guaranteed to leave both of you bleeding.
I fully believe that there are some instincts at play here, even for us walking-upright, tool-using critters. Fight, fight or play dead - that's what we do when we're in survival mode. For the WAS, it's fight, leave or total shut down. So to get to any sort of good place, we have to get the other person out of survival mode.
Does that help?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
