I haven’t posted in a while due to ALOT of thinking…
I’ve been thinking about what my W said to me a few Saturdays ago (7/11)… that she was only staying with me because she was fearful of losing the kids in a divorce settlement. This statement initiated some deep contemplation and soul-searching on my behalf for the next few days…it pretty much ended any hope I had for reconciliation.
So on last Tuesday (7/14), I told my W that I was ready for and wanted a divorce.
Here are some of the statements I made to her: I thanked her for dropping the D bomb on me three months ago. It made me realize that I wasn’t living my life to its God-given potential and that I needed to change.
It prioritized what was really important to me (my kids, religion, being a great person etc).
I had an “awakening” and that I was going to live my life to the fullest with or without her!
I mentioned that during the last three months, I had become a really happy person even with a divorce cloud overhead (she noticed this!). I learned that the only person responsible for my happiness is me, not her.
I have taken control over my life for the better. I was excited about what my future had in store for me…a renewed sense of hope.
I wanted love, friendship, romance, excitement, passion, happiness, and travel in my next relationship and that I was determined to find it. I also said that I didn’t believe I could have these things with her…that it would most likely have to be with another woman.
I had lost all sense of hope for the restoration of our relationship. I doubted that we could even be friends after the divorce, but would have to work with each other to effectively co-parent.
I told her I was done!
This was her response: Please don’t file for a divorce (stated two times)…I don’t want a divorce…I just need some more time. ..I just need some more time. She wouldn’t tell me what the additional time would provide her. And she left it at that, as did I.
Soon thereafter, she seemed to be very interested in living like a family. She planned a picnic at the beach for the whole family. She cooked very nice dinners last weekend. She did a load of laundry for me. We talked on subjects other than the kids. We had a relatively nice time. She’s organizing a September football weekend trip for me and my son. Wow…what a change in her behavior!
However, I was still troubled this morning about my question to her of “what will additional time give you?” I pressed on this matter and she stated “I just want to make sure I’m making the correct decision” and that “we’re making progress.”
So I'm not sure what to do next. She is going to have to change in order for this relationship to work. I don’t want her old self back. I don’t want to go back to being miserable. I’m already looking forward to my new life. This past week has been very peaceful for me. -LFH
LFH, For starters you are leading your family, your wife sees this and respects you for it. It has also attracted her to you. Be patient, watch for her to pushback if you get close, and really think thru, pray for and articulate what you want in your new marriage. You will share with her what you have learned, how you have grown and what you need from your wife. Give her a little time to absorb the new dynamics but be ready to have some real dialouges. You will still be on a rollercaster at times but that is much better than the merry go round. Keep handling it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
LFH, do you feel that you have detached too much and that you would not want to reconcile with your W? I noticed that you used an expression earlier about how you were near to "dropping the rope" and that your hope had run dry. If you had done earlier what you have done recently.......except not give up all hope.......then I would have said that was a perfect picture of a LBS dropping the rope. And what gets me is that this has been explained over & over again to LBS.....that if they would do this then the WAS would probably take a good hard look at what they were doing and have second thoughts about it. As soon as you told your W, then she was immediately attracted to you! But now, you have reached the point that you are ready to move on to a new chapter and even though you said with or without her, it sounds more "without her".
I am not fussing at you. I am frustrated b/c it's so ironic-- that most of the time in the stitches here on the board, we read.....it is as if it is too late for the M before all this sinks in.....and then the tables turn. Maybe it is the feelings of detachment you are experiencing and after some time, you will be change how you feel at this moment. I want to believe there is still a lot of hope left. As I have said before, I hope you will have peace in whatever you do. I know this has been horrible for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I could be confused (it's not hard to confuse moi), but are you saying it is necessary for the LBS to communicate that he/she has "dropped the rope" to WAS? I don't think you are, but just wanted clarification b/c I thought dropping the rope was something we LBS do "inside our head" so to speak, and the outward signals/manifestations become apparent to the WAS.
No, you don't tell her that you are dropping the rope. It is a mental attitude.
What you "did" tell your W was basically the same thing......which was fine b/c it apparently got her undivided attention and now.....SHE is having second thoughts! I'm not surpirsed.
That is why I was feeling frustrated.....not at you, but just human nature. When in a R, it seems that when one is on....the other person is off.....when one is hot....the other person is cold, then it all reverses.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh, sorry givingitmyall......I replied that post as if I were talking to LFH. He did tell his W that he was done, and that is when she did a 180 and now wants to rethink everything!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No problem Sandi. Personally, I don't know how you keep all these threads straight as many people as you help.
If you have time to drop by my thread, check out my past from late last night about my W's job problems and my questions about my feelings for her - could be the product of detaching.
Hello GIMA, Sandi, and Coach. Thank you for your replies...you guys have been very nice to me.
My W took the kids on a mini-vacation with her parents (thursday-sunday), so I decided to take today off to go golfing. Golfing is also planned for Saturday and Sunday.
I was also supposed to see an attorney today, but decided just to focus on golfing and shopping instead. I'm still debating whether or not to give my W the time she's requesting. A good male friend of mine suggested that I'm being impatient with my situation. He says "give her time, but demand that she's going to have to change as well for this marriage to work...both parties are responsible for the demise of this relationship." I'm not the type of person who likes to delay the inevitable however.
My focus is still to continue with my self improvements. I like where I am, but I have plenty of work left. I plan on going to church tomorrow to seek strength and wisdom.
Our wedding anniversary is July 27 and I'm not sure if I should bring it up. Another good female friend of mine suggested a card or flowers. She said "this nice gesture is for you, not her." She keeps insisting I try the "Love Dare" on my W. She's a strong Christian and suggests "to be patient and let God do his thing...look how far the W has come already." I think my W is only fearful of losing the kids, not me...once I reconcile this point, my decision will be clear.
Thanks for your support guys and enjoy the weekend! -LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
My W and I had some more dialogue regarding our situation.
I mentioned to her this morning that I didn’t think I could give her the time she needed to figure things out. Although I have seen some effort in recent weeks, it came across to me in a half-hearted manner. I also couldn’t get past the fact that she was only staying for the kids, not for me. Yesterday evening she was very cold and distant, not that it bothered me, but I took it as a sign of genuine disinterest.
Her response to me this morning was that she was really trying to make this all work. That all we have is not worth throwing away…she wants to save this marriage. I told her that I would be willing to try to save things as well…but she would have to meet me somewhere near the middle. We both agreed. We both also recognized that this is going to be a long and arduous process…it simply is going to take alot of time and effort to mend our relationship.
So here we are…any suggestions? Is this what’s called “piecing” our marriage back together again? When I first started my DBing, my major goal was to save my marriage, and now I may have the opportunity to accomplish what I set out to do in the first place. I didn’t want a divorce any more than my W, but I simply needed to know that my W wanted ME in her life…ME!
Wish me luck, -LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
