Fallgirl`s Second Thread

[cat04]

Dia,

I do agree that for some this is sort of a turn on to the victim. And yes, Fg, my H too is wonderful to the outside world. Again I think in part because he is more comfortable being his moody self around me. Originally because I let him be moody and didn't judge him or me. Then eventually it became habit.

I want to say this, hopefully as clearly as I can. I love my husband. I would never have chosen another man to be my husband. He has a wonderful heart and really is a wonderful man.
Was I a victim of emotional abuse? Absolutly. The key word is was. Is that a reason for me to leave him? For me, the answer is no. Is it a reason for me to work on me? 100%. Personally, I know I did not make him act grouchy, be anal-retentive about things, make him yell at me. But I did allow it and yes eventually I took on the victim mentality that I MUST be the cause for all of it. When I talked myself into that frame of thought is when I BECAME the victim. He did not do that to me. I did that to MYSELF.

FG, yes I'm sure, just like in my sitch and all really, there were times when you did do something to make him angry and cause a fight, just like I'm sure he did to you. But are you the reason he is this way? NO. Could you do things differently to take yourself out of the victim role? Yes. But it takes time, it takes at first more courage than you probably think you have. It cannot be done from anger or fear because you will go right back if you don't know you are doing what is best for you. When you can stop being afraid of his reaction or of what he will do if you just let him stew in his own mood instead of joining him and trying to fix, then the boundaries will be easier to set. They will feel right to you. When I was able to say to H, on one of his threats to leave, then go, and NOT be afraid that he would, I didn't hear that threat again for 5 months. Until that point, it was always just held over my head. Because I was afraid he WOULD leave. Well guess what, if he leaves, he leaves. Is that what I want? No. But am I going to live every day afraid that if I blink wrong he will do it, not anymore.

That is why detatching, GAL, 180's, and working on YOU is so important. That is why many of us talk about it so much and don't really post about daily stuff. Because it makes it easier to LIVE, it makes it easier to see if you WANT to continue standing and to know WHY. It gives you power over the only thing you can control which is YOU.

What have I learned about myself through all of this? If I had just walked when it got bad, if I had continued believing everything really was my fault, if I had not done MY work and looked at myself, I would not be with H, but I would be in another R that would have put me right into the same type of situation. I would have remained a victim. I may still end up in a different R down the road. But it will not be like this. I will not go back to that roll. I wasn't always like this, I just was not mature enough and secure enough within myself to maintain it. And H is growing up too believe it or not. I have in recent months, heard things coming out of his mouth that I never imagined I would hear from him. Adult things. Adult concerns.

There is no one simple solution to all of this. There are many layers for each spouse to work through. It is a process that continues for a lifetime. A thought on the kids, I know in my personal situation, my H is/was a wonderful father but I did almost all of the day to day stuff without ever blinking. At this point, I still don't feel like he is trying to not parent, and if we were not in this emotional chaos, I would probably not be as bothered as I am right now, but I am physically drained from all of the running I do with son and what makes it hard and frustrating for me is that I feel like I shouldn't ask for help. Maybe I am lucky in that respect, because all I have had to do is remind myself that even though H is working a ton, he is a parent too and I HAVE to stop trying to ease his load if it is killing me. In the past that is one thing that I would not have thought twice about. But I have been back and forth with that over the last several months. And I am totally grateful because my R with my S has gotten even stronger than it was in the past even if he is a bratty teenager. LOL.

Have a great weekend everyone, I'm doing the taxi mom thing all weekend so it will be a busy one.