The up and down is normal, unfortunately. Just understand that the down will come every so often, accept it, tehn move on b/c the up is right behind it.
It does get easier.
Oh, and I forgot to mention before, you are not going crazy.
Hey Orchid1, I've been reading along. Sounds like you have been doing pretty good. Don't know why your H wants a D so quickly. But, like I said before, my XH said the same thing about starting over. Maybe they are searching for the happy dating time. For myself, after D, even tho I love my XH, it would take a lot for me to trust again that he would not just walk away when things got rough. Yep, it would have to be a different R, because I wouldn't want the old R/M back. My stakes are higher now.
I think you made the right choice to go back for your D & face whatever fears you may have.
Stay strong & keep posting your thoughts.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
The real fear I have is that if I don't bend over backwards for this R, who will. He certainly hasn't shown that to be a priority. The other fear is I will stop wanting to "re-create" this R. How can I want to re-create something with the same person who blew it up to smithereens? And last but not the least, I am afraid that I will break down and cry and cry during this ordeal. How am I supposed to be smiles and friendly while I am getting a divorce? I don't know why, but I don't want to see him. I don't really want to talk to him. I feel as though it doesn't matter what I say or do, he doesn't want me as I am now. So, what........I am supposed to suddenly become this woman he wants. Give me a break.
Like you MsMelancoly, the stakes are much higher for me. It definately will be a different R and I don't know if I would ever be surprised if he left me again. Because......bottom line...fool me once, you're the fool....fool me twice, I'm the fool.
The other thing I keep thinking about is my other previous R. I remember I was always the one that was left trying. I don't want to try anymore........bc guess what........none of those R worked.....why will this one?
On the one hand, how do I NOT try to salvage this R and on the other, are you kidding me? I am somehow starting at square one and I have to go thru all the "dating" stuff again....for what end purpose?
SEE............alot of anger and just unhealthy thoughts in my brain right now. Partly why I haven't been writing much of late. Not much to say that is constructive.
I am going on with my day though. Busy all day....exhausted...sleep......busy all day! Working all day tomorrow....till 8pm...so another weekend will probably just easily go by. I am looking forward to Sunday. An entire day off! I am so going to sleep and watch a good movie!
Well, that's what this place is for at times - just venting. I have some of the same fears. I guess, I am the fool. Cuz my XH left me 10 years ago the same way when we were casually dating. Guess, I'm not a quicker learner or a glutten for punishment. Sometimes, when you stop trying so hard things work out. Ya, just never know.
Your H filed for D so quickly - I can understand the hurt & anger you feel. In my case, I had much longer to adjust to the reality & come to terms with my emotions.
Any road back to a healthly M or R is friendship. Yet, that can only happen after you let go of your fears, hurt & anger.
Stay strong & get that PMA back!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Did you watch a good movie the other day? I watched "The Women". The original one of years ago. Gotta tell ya, with H gone on his vacation, I have a sense of PEACE about me. I have been going to bed really late, and getting up really late. That will end soon however when school starts.
Well, I watched the movie "The Last Holiday" and it was good, but I was just feeling lonely and I just had to have a cry. But, it was cathartic and I felt fine afterwards. I am hurting a lot as the reality of my divorce is settling in. I know for sure I can make it on my own, but its getting used to a different mind set of being on my own, that really gets me.
But, I went in to work today and it was nice to be surrounded by my collegues who I enjoy being around. I have decided today that there is no longer any reason to be in touch with him. He has been calling and texting a lot last 2 weeks...partly due to my new job and partly bc of my dad's health issues. Now those things are settling down. Though I have not initiated one phone call since his visit, I am still too available. I think I probably call him back -on average- within 5 hrs.
He has access to me when he wants. There needs to be a cut from that. I am going to just use this board every time he calls and I feel the need to call back.
I am setting a goal of not talking to him at all until August 11th. Its a month from my divorce date....pray that I can make it.....I think he doesn't really feel my loss......acutally, truth be told I have no idea what he feels. I have stopped wearing my wedding ring. I feel like a fraud wearing it... I think maybe for myself even........I should give myself some space from him. Its important to know my own reality that is about to descend upon me in 45 days or so...
Let's see how long I can last. Today is the 27th, Monday. One day down.....
Just wanted to drop in and say hi. Sounds like you are still up and down a little. I hope you realize that you have a lot to offer and his issues aren't your fault. I see MsM told you her husband said the ssame thing about wanting to start over. Mine did too. I think in a lot of ways they don't know how to deal with this any better than we do and they are grasping for words that explain their feelings. But they don't quite get there.
My wife and I are getting along fantastic. That is as far as friends with no expectations. I think that is good and the longer I am out of my marriage the more I begin to see things that I wouldn't want to go back to. However I still care deeply for her but my focus is in other places.
as my friend I really hope that you start to feel more comfortable with the situation and find what you really want out of this. sounds like your job is going really well and that is good!
Yeah......I know Kenn....I thought I had reached that place and then............ a few days ago, I bought tickets to WI for the divorce hearing and I just haven't been the same since.
I'm working on it though. I went out for dinner with a co-worker. We were leaving a meeting and i just thought I would ask her and she said "Yeah, let's go".
For some reason, facing this divorce hearing has really thrown me for a loop. I will get there. Its day 2!
Well, today was such an exhauting day at work. This coming month is just filled with projects and deadlines and I feel the pressure building. I am trying to set up a routine for myself and have not, as yet, been able to do that.....but, hey!!! I will just have to keep trying until I figure something out.
So, here is my thought for today.
The more exhausted I get, the less time I have to sort thru my feelings, understand my situation, and maintain patience and a PMA for my situation.
And well.......so I resort to more rooted behaviors.....
behaviors that -in the past few years - have been more innate to me.......of fear, panic and uncertainty of self.
My brain has been on emotional overdrive more so since the second week of work.....just from the stress at work....
I kept thinking about what changed that I have not been thinking Positively and all of a sudden for the past week, I have this feeling of doom.
Nothing has changed, but me........and the lens from which I am viewing my situation.
One adjustment I need to make is that I need to take better care of myself so that I am not this exhausted.
I am working hard......but no down time.......no pampering myself....even with just a meal. Most days I have not been cooking myself a meal or even getting take out... I just sort of eat odds and ends.....a bowl of cereal.....some crackers and juice.....etc...
I noticed a total difference in my day today....and partly, I think it was due to the fact that I went out for dinner last night and ate properly.
In the past, my H usually would suggest a good meal, a glass of wine, a good movie, etc...
Now there is no one to initiate for me.....to do any one or even half a thing........for me.
I really need to start taking better care of myself, I think.
I did better today. I came home and cooked myself a meal. As I sat with work and ate, I still need to improve. Tomorrow, I will eat without any work around me.
I think I have rambled enough for today. I need to focus on keeping myself happy. I guess that is sum of my entry today.
Tomorrow is another day! I can't believe it........this month has seriously flown by!!!!!
