There is some evidence that trying to stop your thoughts and positive affirmations does not work for some people. I think the following article is really interesting-
It proposes a way of accepting feelings and the results were compelling.
This article talks about accepting and watching your thoughts, but watching them almost from a 3rd party perspective - in a way separating yourself from your thoughts.
This can be useful, and may be better than just trying to stop the thoughts and drive them away.
There is a big difference, however, between accepting and watching your thoughts and ruminating or obsessing on a negative topic.
Thought stopping is aimed at stopping rumination.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Right but when you think about not thinking about something, you are still thinking about it even on a subconscious level. I say, whatever works, do it.
This article talks about accepting and watching your thoughts, but watching them almost from a 3rd party perspective - in a way separating yourself from your thoughts.
= Zazen.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Some joint friends have been in town, so Mrs. Thinker and I have been having fun separately - guys nights out, girls nights out, etc - while they are here.
No major changes, just living life.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
As I mentioned, couple who used to be great friends but have since moved away were back in town for the week, so we had a great week hanging out with them and the other couples we were all friends with. Really burnt the candle at both ends, though, with work and social events.
W and I didn't really interact all that much this week - we were at most of the same events, but with so many other people around in the group...
I got some good, positive feedback from the friends we hadn't seen in a while about the positive changes they saw in me - happier, more relaxed, doing more with the family, not working as hard, etc. They really remarked on it.
Mrs. Thinker is off to visit her family for the weekend - great trip for her, and gives us both some space. I'm trying to plan out some killer fun activities for me and the boys.
For now, it's time to wake S1 up from his nap so we can all head to the pool.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Question for the group here...How do I deal with OM (the original one who fled) when I meet him somewhere socially?
He and his wife are part of a larger group of friends, and although we were never best buds, It's a pretty small town.
I took the boys to meet some friends at the pool earlier this evening, and there was OM1 (the one who fled), hanging out with the group. My heart stopped - Oh Sh_t! - Not because of fear, but because of real how-to-act discomfort. I have no idea how to act in such a case...
Do I just act as if nothing ever happened? There are tons of other friends around who don't know the sitch, so I can't tell him what a slime I think he is, but on the other hand I really don't feel like smiling, shaking his hand and chatting friendlily.
I solved it temporarily by completely ignoring him, and dutifully following S1 over to the kiddi pool. I also happily noticed that he was staying as far away from me as possible, so I am not the only one who is uncomfortable.
It really pissed me off. This doesn't have anything to do with me - just W and OM being thoughtless and self absorbed - but now I have to feel uncomfortable!
And THEN!!!
on the way back from the pool, S6 pipes up and asks..."Daddy, why didn't we see (OM's Son's Name) and his Daddy at the pool today? Normally we do. " ..."Oh really?" ... (Now, his kids are friends with our kids, and they all do go to the same pool, so it would be hard to avoid running into them there if my W takes them to the pool, and S6 really has no concept of time, so "Normally" could have been once last year, but...
Add that to the fact that even though W promised not to flirt with OM2 any more, she has still been texting back and forth with him occasionally. (Now the texts are fewer than before, and he is still a client of hers, so they could be just coordinating schedules.....yeah right! )
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So I spent a good period of time this evening being angry. It's a good thing Mrs. Thinker is away for the weekend, because otherwise I would have blown my top. Right now I want to act with my head, and not my emotions.
I am almost positive that there is nothing going on in either case other than her being irresponsible and flirty and trying to keep her options open. It just continues to show her lack of regard or emotional commitment to me.
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As it is, she called earlier tonight, and when I saw who it was on caller ID, I just handed the phone to S4, then S6 without talking myself. They talked, said goodnight and hung up. I was still pissed off and didn't want to talk, so didn't.
This threw her enough that she called back again an hour later to talk to me - see how I was doing, talk about her drive, etc. - just tagging me to make sure I was still there I guess. I was calmed down by now, and was happy to talk to her and kept it short and friendly, but...
I really don't want to get into an R discussion over the phone.
Also, since I don't see an active A right now, I am trying to follow Sara's advice to "Let it Be" between now and Retro - still 8 weeks away.
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Still in the process of detaching...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
That quote by Dia is what pulled me back too. I was pretty angry tonight at my W as well - but you have much more reason to be upset with your's.
Man, you are a strong person. You are handling it all very well. I hope I would be that strong in that sitch (hope I don't have to find out) - but, I know I will rise to whatever comes down the pike.
Wish I had a good answer for you. I don't. Just manage that anger (it's completely justifiable). EXERCISE and focus on your boys - you have them all weekend to yourself. Have a great time.
As far as how to act around OM1, I see no problem in politely ignoring him, the shi$bag that he is. But, the thought occurred to me that HE may be a lot more nervous to be around you than you are to be around him. His W is the only one who doesn't know (I assume). Think of the power he perceives you have over him. B/c deep down, he's a coward. Just something to think about (no pun intended).
Oh, and thanks for the message earlier today. I responded to you.
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