Coach gave you a very good formula to use for drawing boundaries. As I said before, I think you have the right idea but are having trouble communicating it. You pushed her buttons really hard and she reacted to that. Be calm, yet firm in your decisions and boundaries. If you need legal advice, then talk to your lawyer, but I would not make any threats of a D or do anything to start that action. I think most of what she was doing was an emotional reaction to you putting your foot down about her liberities of running in & out of the house as she pleased. She reacted like a child who had been use to having her way and then suddenly it was shut down….in which she did not like at all. So, a threat of D is all the leverage she has! That was the strongest and most painful thing she could think to throw at you when you stepped up to enforce some type of visitation schedule.
Fair is fair….and if she plans to do her side of the co-parenting at your house instead of where she is staying, then she should not have a problem in being considerate enough to work with you in scheduling visitations. Remember that you need to be “fair” with her, as well. I think what really ticked her off is when she called to see if she could go by to see D6 and you told her she was calling too late. I can see your point, but always ask yourself if you are being fair to the children, to her, and to the R. It is so hard to walk that fine line, but as Coach, Puppy, and some others have said…..do the “right” thing. When emotions are charged, it’s hard to be able to think clearly and perhaps one gets to the point they wonder what is “right” anymore. That is why you need to have this all thought out in advance and not wait until your W hits you unaware with some problem. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst! That is thinking about all that might possibly go wrong and how you would handle it. Know your own principles about certain issues at stake, so you won’t be taken off guard if that particular standard or principle is compromised (i.e., your W tries to compromise it).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
