I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

time for a rest..

I've been thinking about emails that the H wrote to me after he left and when I was finally released from the hospital. One line that stuck out to me the most was when he wrote..

"No one will ever love you as much as I do, and in the way that I do."

and it made me cry. But I'm thinking about it and how can that possibly be true? If he is the only person that can love me the most, why is he wanting a divorce? He's kind of saying that, when we are over, and I get into a new relationship, that the person I'm going to be with is not ever going to love me nearly as much as he did..

I know he loves me, I know he loves me so much. But I fear that my depression was too much for him to handle and he just can't come back to me even when I get much better, as if the pain of the past is too much for him to relive if he were to come back. Unless I'm wrong and it's not just the depression but it's a mixture of other things. Maybe he doesn't fancy me anymore because I've gained so much weight? Maybe there's another woman?
Maybe he's being pressured by every single family and friend to leave me (I think this is a HUGE part of him wanting the divorce).. He DID write in an email that when he left, "it wasn't what I want, but it became what he wanted. He went back home overseas right after he left me and I don't doubt for one second that he was going to come back but was persuaded not to by everyone there.

Another reason I believe this is true - when I stupidly flew over to see him a week after he left me and was ignoring me, I arrived at his parents place and was greeted with very little joy. The MIL who used to brag about me to everyone and tell all her family and friends about how her son married an absolutely stunning and intelligent American girl, had turned so cold and had so much animosity towards me. She didnt even want to let me in the house. But told me that I could come in but IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES AM I ALLOWED TO STAY. that was rough. when i went in she continued to bash me with the cruelest words and false accusations. I was so shocked but just sat there crying, begging to please have a word with her son. Of course she said no, blamed me for ruining his life, and called my BIL to come over and speak with me. When he came over, one of the things he said was that my H was going to come back to me, but that I didn't even give him 10 days before coming after him, so it's over.

I admit, it was a very stupid thing to do. To waste money that I didn't have to fly there and show up at their doorsteps. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed about my behavior. I couldn't sit there with them anymore listening to them spew out an endless list of my negative attributes. I walked out with my bags and walked down the street and cried, I had never felt so alone in my life. Here I was, in a foreign country, with my in laws down the road who could care less where I ended up, and my H somewhere in the vicinity and he wouldn't even see me. Not even talk to me. Not even for a second. It was the most painful experience I've ever had to go through, alongside the day that I came home to my H packing up and leaving.

I know it was beyond foolish of me to go there but I really never in my wildest dreams, would have ever thought that he wouldn't see me when I flew all the way there. But then again, I never knew he had it in him to pack up and shut me out of my life when I needed him the most. I know I dumped my emotional baggage on him but I was on my way to getting treatment. And he didn't want to hold my hand through it and help me battle this illness. And to this day, I will never understand how he can do that to me. I know he's hurt and drained and shattered, but so am I, but I didn't walk away from him when he cheated on me. I didn't walk away from him when he was having EAs, I didn't walk away from him when he was keeping many painful secrets from me. I stood by him because I loved him, and I knew that people have the capacity to change. And when it got too tough for him, that was it? That's what I get? All those years of my heartache over his lies and infidelity didn't mean a thing? It doesn't mean anything to him that I stayed through the hard times? It's just not fair, not one bit.

I know he's going through a really tough time and I'm going to be the better, stronger person in all of this. He's running away from our problems and turning it into MY problem. He has walked away from everything that used to mean so much to him. He left our cute white bunny that he was so in love with and cared for so well, and doesnt even ask about him now, he left the precious ring I gave him that he wore EVERY SINGLE DAY and literally flipped out whenever he couldnt find it, he left all of our furniture and homewares that we spent thousands upon thousands on and he was SO protective of them, keeping them in immaculate condition and not even using them because we were keeping them for a loft that we would buy together in the future, and then he left me, the person whom no one will ever love as much as he does, and in the way that he does. None of this makes any sense to me.

But then, there's no point in making sense of any of this right now. He's not in a good place. I'm not in a good place. I only hope that he's using this time to get better and not a time to drink, smoke and screw to take whatever pain he's feeling away. He did tell me in an email that he was drinking and smoking in excess when he was home overseas to kill the pain. I wouldn't be surprised if he was having one night stands but I don't want to know, it would just kill me. But since he's come back to Btown, he said he's not doing anymore drinking or smoking so I don't have to worry about that. I told him that I was drinking and smoking a lot more than I normally do (I had quit smoking for a year and then started again after he left) and he doesnt like me drinking and smoking that much and when I told him, he didn't even respond to it. Didn't even matter to him. I have to stop telling him anything about my life because he really, really just has no interest at all. It's a painful feeling but I have to do it because I know its for the best.

What he also keeps saying that irks me is, "this may not be the right thing to do, but it's the best thing to do." No it's not H!! Have you read anything at all about divorce and the effects that it has on so many things like finances and happiness levels? I just want to print off a list of all the negatives of divorce and shove it in his face and force him to read it! But knowing him, he would argue every point to suit his own beliefs. It's normal I know. It's just so frustrating that he has probably only thought about himself when making this decision to divorce and hasn't seeked any C sessions (believes firmly that he does not need it and does not need to change anything, for anybody). He probably hasn't even read any books about R/M/D and is basing his decision solely on his happiness that I caused. I'm the reason he's not happy, I'm the reason he hasn't gotten anywhere in life, I'm the reason he has no friends, I'm the reason his life is ruined. That's all he seems to see in all of this mess. What about his faults? I cheated, I'm addicted to internet flirting and dating websites, I don't listen to you when you talk, my opinion is more important, I'm smarter than you and have to tell you how to do everything, what about all of those?? Of course he doesn't think about it, he doesn't think that he has any problems at all, hence his refusal to see an IC and refusal to change who he is for anybody. I don't want him to change who he is as a person, I'd like him to acknowledge some his negative behaviors and do something about it, I don't think that's asking him to change who he is, but apparently he does and told me that he won't change who he is for me a few days before he walked out.

I feel so underappreciated, I did what I could and what I knew at the time, to try and save our marriage. I admit that I haven't tried everything, one cannot possibly try everything, one can only reach a point within themselves where they are far too tired to continue with trying to do everything. He says that he has tried everything to make us work and I told him he hasn't, that we both haven't and he disagreed and nothing will change his mind about it. How can he give up so easily? Maybe he's reached that point where he is too tired to try anymore. Well, I'll let him rest and give him peace while I work on myself. And hopefully, when he is not so tired anymore, he might come around. And hopefully, when he does come around, I would have already moved on from this mess and will be more able to deal with whether or not he does decide to come around.