You answered alot of your own questions if you just go back and read. You said you don't know how I did it, well, unfortunately, I'm not done doing it by a long shot. I know we are maybe maybe maybe (one million times) at a point where there might actually be some sort of real tiny teeny part of him dealing with his issues. But that is definately not an ending.
When H and I met, I was a very different person. Very strong within myself. The "abusive" things he did, the silent treatment, the rages, didn't bother me. I would often tell him when you get over yourself, let me know. I loved him but was not going to let his bad mood bother me when I was not responsible for it. It was just how he was. Over time, much time, I allowed myself to feel responsible for all of it but he was like that before he met me. Once I took on the burden of trying to make things nice so maybe he wouldn't get upset, apologizing for everything under the sun, including whether the son was shining or not (no I'm not exaggerating), is when I became lost. It was when I began to feel worthless. So when the MLC anger started, I was totally in a position to buy completely and wholeheartedly into everything wrong in his life being my fault. I feel like it took an eternity for me to see what I had allowed myself to become, but as I described my process in an earlier post, it really didn't take anywhere near as long for me to climb out of the pit I was in. I'm not fully there yet, I still have my days of doubt, but I definatly believe that I had to go through that to get where I am now, in order to survive this next phase in time. So I'm following my own yellow brick road and can't wait to see what the Emerald City holds.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
