Mach, I`m really struggling with the `to be gone` issue. That`s where I`m coming from on the `tough love` stance. H ALWAYS has had anger and mood issues. Its not just MLC. MLC has just exacerbated all that. The fact that I took him to court means he knows I`ll take him again if he threatens to hit me. He has threatened to hit me in the past-got me to the point that I was afraid that if he didn`t leave I was done for. Never actually hit. Well, beyond slapping me once. But just got so angry that he`d threaten me and then leave the room. Leaving me shaking. And NEVER apologizing.
Now I`m struggling to see my role in that. He sulks I get angry he lashes back because I get angry. That was always the cycle.
Only now I don`t get angry. Or even upset. So he`s frustrated.Trying to get at me in other ways. Hence stealing my credit cards, blocking my cell phone,leaving unpaid electricity bill lying around..
Oh, and he won`t make decisions. I took over from where his mother left off. I made them all. Not because I wanted to but because he dragged his heels on every issue that required a decision. Dragging his heels is a euphemism for going into a protracted sulk and/or lashing out.
And to everyone else out there this is a nice gentle caring guy.
I AM struggling with the ME that brought the viciousness out in him.So I`m learning not to control everything. Not to keep the balls in the air. Not to beat me up if things don`t work out.I don`t want to quit on this relationship without knowing, really knowing my part in the downfall of it. I hate failing.I may just have to learn to accept failure.
Yes, I`m in therapy, Dia. Finally, after three mediocre counsellors found a wonderful woman who challenged me on MY issues right from the get go. So I`m learning heaps about me in all of this.And I`m in Ireland by the way, much though I`d love to be in SoCal right now!!
H went to some counselling. I don`t really know how much. He says ten sessions. He refused to go to MC. And there`s no point in dragging him to that.
I read through Hearts Blessings stages of an MLCer(thanks Cat, for showing the way!) and honestly, he`s been in ALL stages of Denial, Anger,Replay, for as long as I`ve known him. One of my chief rants to him(yeah, I used to rant!) "Denial is not just a river in Egypt"
I really need to know too why I really needed to marry this guy.
Yup, Mach, my sticking point is the kids. They`re 14,11, and 9 by the way. Not gret stages. Them feeling this deeply-I dread the thought of it. I`m a year living with separation in the one house. I`ve been through heaps of pain in that time and dread the thoughts of putting them through the same.
They know there`s something going down, of course. They`re insecure. I`m ratty some of the time. Dad is gone most of the time . And ne`ere the twain shall meet. They have the picture.
I`m fairly happy about my relationship with each of them. I`m consicous of giving them one to one chat time and just being with them. I try for us all to have fun together. I`m conscious of working on their having lots of happy childhood memories to store in their memory bank.Just breaks my heart to have to through this one into it as well though.
And then after all of that there is my love of H. Oh, maybe not LOVE the way things are now. But I do care that he`s so sad and lost and alone.I do care when he says "You have destroyed my life" I know I haven`t. I just feel sad that he feels his life is destroyed. Sad, that he does not realise his OWN role in his destiny. Sad too, that he does not feel that he has a lot to be proud of.
But that`s his choice.
I`d like separation to be his choice too. Not for him to say "She made me leave" but that he felt it was the only thing to do in the circumstances.
OF course I`d like it better if he decided to stay. But, as it stands, I am living with a man who told me he wanted to separate and knew he would have to leave. And then five days later says his MOTHER told him he had to stay in the house. Yeah, wonderful.Maybe MIL should move in too...
Meanwhile, he`s barreling through the money coming and going as he pleases. I`m left to do all with the kids. Not that I mind, I love them to bits, but H is having a free ride as a parent in all of this, never mind as a spouse.
Yes, hmmmm, I guess you could say I`m pretty angry too!
Look, thanks so so much for the input folks. There`s two long days ahead in which anything may unfold. I`m taking courage from posting and especially from your support everyone. Thanks so much.
