I'm still crying from time to time, off and on. I'm fine if I don't think about him or talk about him, so I guess I know how to keep from being so sad, right?
If only it was that easy.
As for getting another dog, I can't do that as long as I'm in an apartment. It isn't fair to a dog to coop them up all day. Also, I'm really not sure I can go through the attachment any time soon. I'm planning on staying away from pets for quite a while. I can't bear the thought of having another one because of what I had to do today to a dog that was only 7 1/2 years old.
The apartment is an empty place right now. Yes, the cat I inherited from the divorce is still here, but the energy is so different. I'm going to struggle with not having someone so incredibly eager to see me every day. It will be better w/time, but for now it is pretty tough.
The vet spoke w/the neurologist last night and he believes my dog's issues were directly related to a weakened immune system. I made the appointment for today because I didn't want to prolong the process. It is just too painful for me to think of let alone having to watch him struggle w/his inability to keep his poop inside his rear.
He was often embarassed and confused about what was going on back there and every time I'd try to help him finish or clean him up, he'd yelp w/pain and discomfort. He was miserable and if it was the immune system, chances are it would only get worse.
So, I know in my head I did the right thing. However, my heart is still incredibly heavy and filled w/guilt. I'm guessing this is part of the grieving process.
The vet and I talked about how Rocky was stressed, not only w/living in the apartment, but mostly from being separated from his brother by my XW. They had grown up together and she insisted on separating them - despite my BEGGING and PLEADING to keep them together. XW said the other dog adjusted fine and Rocky would too. I told her he wasn't like that and needed someone.
He never was able to adjust and I can't help but think the stress of being alone was another factor which weakened his immune system. The problem is I couldn't get him a playmate while I'm living here as there are pet limits, but I was planning on finding a house when my lease was up in January and getting him one then.
I just didn't expect him to not make it that far.
So, I'm cleaning the rugs now and washing all of the things he soiled while he was sick. It is so sad, but I know he's happy now and he's no longer confused, embarassed, or uncomfortable in any way.
My little guy died in my arms, so he knew I was there for him. That is important to me.
I too agree w/my mom's take on things and I did tell Rocky that it was ok for him to go and I thanked him for being such a wonderful companion to me.
I think this is the apex of my issues (as I've mentioned before) and I am trying to be positive with this situation and think that my little man is telling me it is time to move forward and break free from everthing that has been weighing me down from the past. He was a wise little one for sure.
Gypsy, thank you for saying I gave my friend a gift. It does hurt me deeply, but I made sure these past several weeks to spend most of my time laying w/him and loving on him. I'm going to miss him under the covers at night when I sleep, but I know he's with me in my heart always.
I just put up a few pictures of Rocky on FB. I'm going to add a drawing that D made of him the other day when she was here. I've put it on my wall to see him through her eyes when I'm home.
As with any loss, I'll need to grieve, then over time, I'll be able to accept his passing and enjoy what he was able to bring to me. I only wish I could speed up the clock b/c today really hurts.
