Hi, I don't usually give advice on this board, as I have been so clueless in my own situation, which sounds almost just like yours, except as far as I can tell, my H is not serious with anyone (yet). But he is talking to/seeing another woman and who knows why they aren't hot and heavy right now. For all I know, they were taking a "cool down" period while he tried to "work on things" with me, which really didn't qualify as working on things in my book.
In my situation, I feel quite confident that another woman factored into his leaving somehow. Even though he denied it then and now. He did at one point admit to an emotional EA, but said it was never physical and never would be. Like your H, my H has a very strong sense of right and wrong, and he said he never even kissed her. Not sure if I believe him, but if he's telling the truth, then I do think it is only because he didn't want to deal with the guilt, not because of anything he felt for me. As far as I can tell, there is nothing going on with that woman, the one he talks to now is a different one, I believe. Most days I think that he and she agreed they would let things go until he got things squared away with me. He's been pretty much stringing me along for 12 months now, moved out 14 months ago.
In regards to your question, I think a lot people probably would advise that if you are sure the M is over, then what is the point of finding out, just let it go. However, I think you absolutely deserve to know the truth of what was happening in your M. Me, I am still searching for the truth, I really do want to know, although my M is not salvageable any more either. However, I know my H is never going to tell me, so I am going to have to find out through other means, if possible. I would advise against asking him to go to counseling, I don't think anything will come out there. Is there a way for you to spy on his past activities?
Also, in your case, it could be that your H and this woman had an attraction, but they did not act on it until he was separated. I do think sometimes people actually do this, and they consider themselves quite noble because they did not "cheat."
