WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Well things seem to be drifting in a negative direction, but I feel less despair over it than I would have in the past. I have been reading others' posts where successful detatchment is occurring and I am starting to identify with more of these LBHs.

Also, over the past month I have lost the urge to monitor her whereabouts and phone activity which is a big change for me. It is probably because I can't change it and harassing her hasn't helped. For now she knows I don't approve of her having interaction with OM around me or kids and I think she is complying. I am content to leave it at that for now. OM interaction is greatly reduced from before but still there.

As more time passes and I see the situation for what it is, I feel like life will somehow be OK without her if she decides to bail. I t won't be easy, but personally I feel more and more like if she isn't in my life it won't be a tragedy given how she treats me. This is no way to have to live, but I know she isn't herself and I hope that her attitude isn't a permanent change obviously and am waiting to see if there is a break in the weather. She clings to her negative attitudes/thoughts about our M and says that she knows she will not be with me forever, so why try now. I don't say much in response, but would have argued the point with her before. Hoewver recently she also said she is 'trying' by staying for the kids. She is contradicting herself again.

The hardest part is just waiting in limbo, but I derive lots of strength from all the others who are 'waiting' in this situation that I read about on these boards. It makes me not feel sorry for myself and suck it up. If you guys can do this then so can I! The alternative is D which is not what I want if there is any chance/hope to R at some point, but she would have to undergo a miraculous transformation in her attitude.

Sandi - ever since she discovered my investigations of OM and started picking through my email and found the MLC email I had sent to MIL/SIL things have steadily drifted downward. You mentioned that this was a significant event and I think you were right. Maybe it will all blow over in time - we shall see. It is unfortunate because by the time she uncovered all this I had moved on from this activity.

I think she is really sorting out what she wants to do (stay or leave) and the time she had talked about leaving at one point (end of summer) is fast approaching. She is also bringing up more revised history than I had heard before. She is being more distant and irritated this week. She is also saying strange things that don't sound like her (not a new thing actually).

I continue to GAL - I just became president of a local youth sports organization at the urging of many people and know Iw ill make a big difference. I also am continuing with my fitness regimen and participating in a new cycling group. I took up cycling a couple of months ago - W isn't happy about it because that is something 'she' does and I hadn't been interested before and why now when she doesn't want to do it with me, etc etc??

One thing I think has been good is that she is a little more focused on our kids than before the crisis hit. I think her IC helped her with that after I uncovered the EA 5 months ago. She has taken more interest in what they are doing and tried to plan things with them, and I see her trying to be more of a 'friend' to D15. She slept outside last night with S10 and S12, like camping, for example, as well.

One last thing - she returned to our bed the night we got back from our trip last weekend but not since then so it wasn't significant.