d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Belly Dancing?? That sounds like fun, but I'd be too scared my belly hasn't seen anyone since I was pregnant. Argh !!

I started using this "walker" excersise machine. Must have used it too long. Can't walk very well. Now I really look like an old woman. Ha

Today my H texts to me: good morning! did you have a good night last night? I texted him: Good morning to you as well, and yes, I had a great night, thanks for asking. (he didn't bring home d last night so of course he was no where near our house last night) plus he knows that I'm always at home with her when she's tucked in bed.

I made it sound like I really enjoyed myself, which I did - I sat out at my picnic table at dark and enjoyed the peacefulness that the darkness brought me. Waited for the racoons that are eating all my cat food (of course none came in when I was out)

Stayed up way too late, went to bed and had a meltdown for awhile until my prayers soothed me over and I fell asleep for awhile. My chest and ribs hurt so bad today and I know it is from crying. Argh !!

I'm trying not to remind him that it's the last time. (i did that along time ago). I know, he knows.

I try to remind myself that so many people on these posts are going thru far worse than me. The years that you have been dealing with this would be so hard. Sometimes I think I wish he would have stayed married to me and just did his own thing, until he figures this all out. But then, as hard as this is at least I will have closure with the divorce being final august 1. -- our wedding anniversary would have been Aug. 2nd -- 6 years; what an anniv. gift !

Maybe that is the only way that he can get through this himself is to divorce me.

I'm not saying I want it to end and maybe someday we can find each other again. But in my mind it will have to be over until he pursues me. So yes, I will learn to move on with my life and just maybe I'll get to be his again.

Our town has a big picnic celebration this weekend with live music and alot of our friends will be there. I feel really guilty he has our D4 (his weekend) and he's sooooo upset that my mother can't watch her. WTH??

All the years before he would be at the picnic - friday thru sunday. Never cared what we were going to do with D4 for the weekend (he knew I'd take care of the arrangements) D4 could always go for awhile but not appropriate for her at night. H wouldn't even come home (4 miles) to get me to take me up to picnic. H couldn't/wouldn't leave his friends, just to get me. Argh ! Maybe I am better off alone !!

So I will be going alone, after dark (he then will have d4 in bed) who knows maybe he'll get a sitter. I will however, enjoy and have a blast. As much as I love him, I hope he doesn't show up.

I know I will be asked alot of questions. I don't think anyone knows that we weren't divorced end of June. How can I be nice and not sound rude? I was just planning on saying, I still love him, but I don't want to discuss it???

Any Advice on how to handle ???