Hmmm, has he got FOO issues that involve physical or emotional abuse?
I see signs of that in the current anger you're describing. And yes, it's definitely pain, and I'm getting the feeling that the pain now is connecting up with or triggering some sort of pain from childhood, someone else who hurt him.
Last edited by Dia; 07/24/0905:46 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Wow, oh Wow!Thanks Mach! At this stage I have to go right back up to the attic to find those DB books I`ve hidden and get that LRT right into my head.
Thanks so so much for your giving so freely of your time and wisdom to this. I hope to put it to good use.
I have got the feeling of letting him go sort his recovery whatever way that is for him. But boy,I do get mad when I think this could drag on for YEARS. Years of me doing everything to keep this family afloat, years of loneliness, years of convering up to friends and my parents that yeah, married life is just great.
So I waver ever bloody day. I think non stop about it. I go from wishing he`d put his arms around me, to being afraid he`ll break my neck, to wondering will I have an affair(my chief thought today!),to fretting about how all this has already impacted on the kids.
My chief emotion when I see him now is fear. Just afraid of what he`s going to do next to get at me.I mask it with nonchalence and telling myself to stand strong, but gentle, in my space.(before I would have ALWAYS got angry!) And xanax, when the need arises.
I came home this evening and as soon as I came in he just said "I`m going out" and off he headed. Possibly for the night. I don`t know.I didn`t ask because I want him to go do what he likes and not feel controlled by me. And anyway, I`m just glad he`s gone so I can log on here in peace!
Okay off to read more of your posts Mach, more about LRT and detaching. And more about improving my candy store!
Cat, I really do wonder if I can stick with this for much longer. Don`t know how you did it!There`s plenty of learning in this for me in things like patience and self control which are sadly lacking in my part. I really do feel sorry for H. Sorry for the little boy lost in the angry man`s body. Sorry for his isolation from his family and others. Sorry for his lack of self worth. But I`m not going into the pit with him again.
Dia, his childhood stuff is so big, he`s convinced he had a wonderful childhood and that his mother could do no wrong.
Mach, thanks again. And thanks to all you who posted today-it made my evening(8 27 pm here)to get all these replies.
Just FYI - you're probably nowhere near the SoCal deserts, but if you are, I know a really amazing LMFT for IC/MC who specializes in FOO issues. (Oy, the acronyms around here are hilarious!!) I don't recall of the top of my head if you are doing IC or MC or not. We did a few months of ineffectual MC, then I did 18 months IC with a different counselor. Great stuff, lots of growth for me.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Mach, I`m really struggling with the `to be gone` issue. That`s where I`m coming from on the `tough love` stance. H ALWAYS has had anger and mood issues. Its not just MLC. MLC has just exacerbated all that. The fact that I took him to court means he knows I`ll take him again if he threatens to hit me. He has threatened to hit me in the past-got me to the point that I was afraid that if he didn`t leave I was done for. Never actually hit. Well, beyond slapping me once. But just got so angry that he`d threaten me and then leave the room. Leaving me shaking. And NEVER apologizing.
Now I`m struggling to see my role in that. He sulks I get angry he lashes back because I get angry. That was always the cycle.
Only now I don`t get angry. Or even upset. So he`s frustrated.Trying to get at me in other ways. Hence stealing my credit cards, blocking my cell phone,leaving unpaid electricity bill lying around..
Oh, and he won`t make decisions. I took over from where his mother left off. I made them all. Not because I wanted to but because he dragged his heels on every issue that required a decision. Dragging his heels is a euphemism for going into a protracted sulk and/or lashing out.
And to everyone else out there this is a nice gentle caring guy.
I AM struggling with the ME that brought the viciousness out in him.So I`m learning not to control everything. Not to keep the balls in the air. Not to beat me up if things don`t work out.I don`t want to quit on this relationship without knowing, really knowing my part in the downfall of it. I hate failing.I may just have to learn to accept failure.
Yes, I`m in therapy, Dia. Finally, after three mediocre counsellors found a wonderful woman who challenged me on MY issues right from the get go. So I`m learning heaps about me in all of this.And I`m in Ireland by the way, much though I`d love to be in SoCal right now!!
H went to some counselling. I don`t really know how much. He says ten sessions. He refused to go to MC. And there`s no point in dragging him to that.
I read through Hearts Blessings stages of an MLCer(thanks Cat, for showing the way!) and honestly, he`s been in ALL stages of Denial, Anger,Replay, for as long as I`ve known him. One of my chief rants to him(yeah, I used to rant!) "Denial is not just a river in Egypt"
I really need to know too why I really needed to marry this guy.
Yup, Mach, my sticking point is the kids. They`re 14,11, and 9 by the way. Not gret stages. Them feeling this deeply-I dread the thought of it. I`m a year living with separation in the one house. I`ve been through heaps of pain in that time and dread the thoughts of putting them through the same.
They know there`s something going down, of course. They`re insecure. I`m ratty some of the time. Dad is gone most of the time . And ne`ere the twain shall meet. They have the picture.
I`m fairly happy about my relationship with each of them. I`m consicous of giving them one to one chat time and just being with them. I try for us all to have fun together. I`m conscious of working on their having lots of happy childhood memories to store in their memory bank.Just breaks my heart to have to through this one into it as well though.
And then after all of that there is my love of H. Oh, maybe not LOVE the way things are now. But I do care that he`s so sad and lost and alone.I do care when he says "You have destroyed my life" I know I haven`t. I just feel sad that he feels his life is destroyed. Sad, that he does not realise his OWN role in his destiny. Sad too, that he does not feel that he has a lot to be proud of.
But that`s his choice.
I`d like separation to be his choice too. Not for him to say "She made me leave" but that he felt it was the only thing to do in the circumstances.
OF course I`d like it better if he decided to stay. But, as it stands, I am living with a man who told me he wanted to separate and knew he would have to leave. And then five days later says his MOTHER told him he had to stay in the house. Yeah, wonderful.Maybe MIL should move in too...
Meanwhile, he`s barreling through the money coming and going as he pleases. I`m left to do all with the kids. Not that I mind, I love them to bits, but H is having a free ride as a parent in all of this, never mind as a spouse.
Yes, hmmmm, I guess you could say I`m pretty angry too!
Look, thanks so so much for the input folks. There`s two long days ahead in which anything may unfold. I`m taking courage from posting and especially from your support everyone. Thanks so much.
You answered alot of your own questions if you just go back and read. You said you don't know how I did it, well, unfortunately, I'm not done doing it by a long shot. I know we are maybe maybe maybe (one million times) at a point where there might actually be some sort of real tiny teeny part of him dealing with his issues. But that is definately not an ending.
When H and I met, I was a very different person. Very strong within myself. The "abusive" things he did, the silent treatment, the rages, didn't bother me. I would often tell him when you get over yourself, let me know. I loved him but was not going to let his bad mood bother me when I was not responsible for it. It was just how he was. Over time, much time, I allowed myself to feel responsible for all of it but he was like that before he met me. Once I took on the burden of trying to make things nice so maybe he wouldn't get upset, apologizing for everything under the sun, including whether the son was shining or not (no I'm not exaggerating), is when I became lost. It was when I began to feel worthless. So when the MLC anger started, I was totally in a position to buy completely and wholeheartedly into everything wrong in his life being my fault. I feel like it took an eternity for me to see what I had allowed myself to become, but as I described my process in an earlier post, it really didn't take anywhere near as long for me to climb out of the pit I was in. I'm not fully there yet, I still have my days of doubt, but I definatly believe that I had to go through that to get where I am now, in order to survive this next phase in time. So I'm following my own yellow brick road and can't wait to see what the Emerald City holds.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
They sound so similar Cat, your H and mine. Though mine has a Nice Guy persona to the outside world.
I`m still wondering too, just how much of this is ME. My fault. Me bringing the worst out in him.Or maybe me forcing him to be more true to himself? Who knows?
Anyway, I`ve got one life.My job is to extract the maximum amount of fun out of each day for me and the kids. Think i did a mediocre job today!
Have fun you! And thanks so much for sharing!Glad to share the Yellow Brick Road with you!
I am with you with the anger at him having a free ride as a parent, to use your words. That is what gets me the most. Here we are trying to clean up the mess and keep things as normal and positive as we possibly can. My kids are younger than yours but definitely know something is up. I am trying to make this as fun a summer as possible so that they will hopefully remember the fun we had rather than the other garbage.
Hope you are able to relax and have fun with your kids this weekend. Enjoy!:)
