I've thought a lot about the core of my sitch and realized the obvious: that I don't really know what the core is. True. When my wife dropped the bomb, she mentioned that she didn't think I was happy any more. Said she couldn't live like this (didn't elaborate) and then cited one situation, one argument and one "disappointment" that were, 6, 11 and 15 years ago (!) respectively.
Just like mine. They cannot explain it b/c they probably don't understand themselves or the reasons WHY. So, if they don't understand, how are WE supposed to? We aren't. And we may not ever know. Not appealing, but it is the cold, hard truth.
Quote:
So, my thinking left me with two (mind-reading) answers:
1) Her lifelong penchant (of which I've posted before) of reaching a last-straw of hurt with people and then cutting herself off from them totally, completely, and permanently. She runs away.
2) She doesn't want to divorce me, live life apart, etc. (hence the early "Come back to me," "Be my hero, Gardener," type statements post-bomb).
And it strikes me that - if I'm right - I have to manifest the same behavior whether the answer is #1 or #2: It's safe here. Again. There is no reason to run. Not from Gardener. You can be you with me.
EXACTLY. You can't MAKE her change, but you can make her WANTto/THINK ABOUT changing.
Quote:
But I have to be on my guard. From me. Because I can tend to take such insights and run hog-wild with them. Like, just show her you're safe. Centered. A rock. Her rock. So, then, who needs all this DB stuff, don't answer the phone, call back later, go dark, be mysterious, end phone calls first, don't bring up the R, etc. I mean, why be a hard-ass when this is really about a scared and confused girl who's running away because she thinks there's no other solution?
First, b/c to do otherwise is pursuit. You know where that leads. Second, b/c this is something SHE has to work through. Not something you can push her through or speed up. Remember, this all started with our W's losing trust in us, usually over a LONG time. It's gonna take time to build that back up.
Quote:
And sometimes I do wonder about the applicability of DBing in my sitch. A sitch in which there was no animosity, no malice, just a sad, resigned, logically-concluded "it's over."
Yep, me too. Minor disagreements, but in 15 years, I cannot recall what I would call a big fight we ever had. This is not unusual.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Get more and more comfortable with you, let your confidence grow, allow your religious relationship to evolve. These are the things YOU can control. Everything else has to work itself out.
