I guess journaling and sharing since this is, after all, a public space.
I had a great session with my IC this morning. We covered a lot, but there is one bit in particular that I want to share here.
I have had some sadness lately and it really sort of snuck up on me. I say snuck up because I have been very happy these last couple of months. I have been very happy in my relationship with myself - if that makes sense (I mean in re-discovering who I am, what I want, those sorts of things). I feel happiness from a relationship with a very kind man. I feel happiness in developing my sense of independence and self-reliance. I feel happiness from learning to solve my own problems...finding healthy solutions to long-standing issues.
So, this lurking sense of sadness has been bothering me. Not that I did not know its source, I do...that's obvious...my separation agreement is about to be done, the motion for divorce is about to be filed and a thirteen year relationship is about to finally end. Clearly, I am grieving.
The reason I am sharing all of this is to remind myself that feelings are meant to be felt and that they can ebb and flow. Still learning what is so simple for some people...one feels what one feels at the moment one feels it. I thought I was done grieving. I thought the moment I decided I did not want to reconcile that I had made my peace with that and was done. What I had finished, was the intellectual part. I am learning that the feeling part might take a bit longer. Not to say I feel any differently than I think...I do not feel that I want SBXH back. Rather, I am saying that the end of this relationship is a death, of sorts, and I feel sadness surrounding that. I am trying not to analyze why...that is how I get myself into trouble. So, I am just allowing myself to feel the sadness as it ebbs and flows, recognize it for what it is and let it pass.
