I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[Gardener]

my goal for today is not to dwell on the negative past and to stay focused on the positive present and future.

Hi, Beep,
Your goal for the day puts it all in teh perfect nutshell for all of us.

Well, for me, anyway

Make it a good day. The alternative is unhealthy,

[beepee]

thanks G!
you're back!
How was your hike?
Did you think of anything good while taking time off the boards? share your wisdom..

[Gardener]

thanks G!
you're back!
How was your hike?
Did you think of anything good while taking time off the boards? share your wisdom..

Hi, Beep,

I am!
Great. Hard!
Yes,on the hike and since.
It's on my thread yesterday and today.

[mishka422]

like the idea of snapping the rubber band when the bad thoughts come in! i fear my skin will be raw after just an hour of trying it! hah. maybe ill give it a go, couldnt hurt (yes it would!) ha ha ha..

This really is no joke. Do it. Nothing quite like a snap to the sensitive underside of your wrist to thought stop. Beep, I did this for 6 months. I had welts on the inside of my wrist for the first few weeks. I finally got to a point that I would only have to snap it once every few days to a week. That is the goal. Think of it like Pavlov's dogs! You're training your brain to think in a different way.

I'm sorry I've been away. I had lost your thread for a while there.

You were really up for a couple of days there but you seem to have fixated on the visa issue. The USCIS will not just accept his word that he's been abused. They require proof. Heresay is NOT it! Trust me, I had a friend from Iran who was married to a man of Iranian decent but a US citizen. He was her sponsor for her visa. He beat her. Now, when I say he beat her I don't mean he smacked her one time, I mean broken bones, multiple trips to the hospital, etc.. He was very powerful and had the local politicians in his back pocket so all physical proof of his abuse was 'lost'. She was applying to have her visa maintained based on abuse and could not get any physical evidence to give them. Finally, a female doctor she had seen for a broken arm came forward with copies of the x-rays proving that her arm was broken by forcible twisting which could not occur on the stairs and she was granted not only her visa but full custody of her 3 kids and a restraining order against her H. It takes THAT kind of proof.

Hopefully that will ease your mind a little. It doesn't matter what he says in emails, only what he can prove.

[beepee]

just read some of your posts, glad the hike was good!!

journaling..
so i am feeling much better today and i have noticed a pattern and its so obvious but i never really paid attention to it to begin with, or maybe i was just depressed to even care but i notice that my day starts off great when i get up early, get a shower in right away, and dress up nicely and do my makeup.. its such a simple routine thing for everyone but for me, its tough to force myself to do it. i only dress up when i have to go somewhere (going to IC in an hour). but now, looking back at all those days that i did dress up and treated the day as normal days i used to have in the past when things were good, im much happier and i should start doing that everyday knowing its positive effects.

and i'm also wearing a pair of jeans that havent fit me for months and months!! so happy i fit into them, adds to my motivation to lose more weight and get healthy!!

anyway, im really disappointed because the broadway show RENT is in Beantown and ends this week and i never got a chance to go see it well to be honest, i wouldnt have been able to afford it anyway. my H always hated broadway shows and would never go to one would me. he'd made fun of me all the time and i didnt mind it, it was cute. i looked at his MS page (i know i shouldnt!!! im sorry!!) and even though un-friended me, i noticed that he still kept pictures me in his albums..maybe he doesnt know its there or he could care less or..because he still loves me and doesnt want to let go but needs so much time apart from me to get his emotions and life sorted out.. OH PLEASE LET IT BE THAT!! PLEASE!!

Yesterday, because I felt so horrible about the whole visa thing, I told my friend i wasnt going to go to Marthas Vineyard with her and of course she was upset and telling me not to even think about H. i said i'd get back to her and i was thinking all day today and yesterday about how i always do that. everytime something i think is bad happens, i focus on it far too much and tend to let everything else fall apart. thats what happened with all my friendships when i was with H. so i decided to do the exact opposite of what i'd normally do (sitting at home wallowing and thinking the worst) and force myself out with her and a few others even though all i want to do is stay in bed and cry. im proud of myself for doing that. i know its better for me. i know it'll boost my energy and mood. im just worried about the costs, $15 for the ferry and then lunch and hiring bikes etc. to be honest, i cant even afford the $15 for the ferry. she's paid for me everytime we go out so i cant ask her anymore. well, i put up nearly 50 items on ebay and am going to put more up tonight so that should help. still waiting for my brother to finish all the paperwork for cosigning for the apt. i think ill get that in by early next week and i should have a decision by then. fingers crossed i dont get denied..i would be so devastated. itll be another blow that i just cant handle. but thats a part of life, i just have to prepare for it and know that there's a huge possibility that i wont get it because of my credit. so i should continue searching for other options. we'll see how it goes..

[beepee]

I'm sorry I've been away. I had lost your thread for a while there.

mishka, thanks for coming back!
you always give great advice!

i will do the rubber band thing, just trying to be funny to lighten my mood. but it does look like a good idea so i will have to give it a go, but 6 months. wow, that is a long time! but hey, if it helps and works and teaches me to think differently, then i'll do it as i dont want to feel this forever.

The USCIS will not just accept his word that he's been abused. They require proof.

i was thinking of this as well but i was really scared that he would get documentation from the psych hospitals i was in and say that i was mentally unstable and therefore subjected him to mental cruelty and emotional abuse. but then again, how can he get documentation because of doctor-patient confidentiality. but he is still currently my proxy, i dont know if that entitles him to any of my files..when he left, he took all of the documentation i had from the hospital, like letters from the doctors with my diagnosis and prescription info etc. But i don't think that would be enough and i'm worrying myself far too much by being fixated on an issue that i dont know anything about.

it just worries me because that seems, at this point, to be his only option to stay in the country..and he PROMISED me that he was not leaving, and that he wanted to stay to work on our friendship when the time allows. so im trying to think positively and act as if he would never do such a thing that would completely ruin our chances of remaining friends. argh, its so hard not to think about how he is going about this process!! i know there's no point in thinking about it, i just hope everything turns out ok in the end. i hope he doesnt file that way and i hope he doesnt have to go back home because if he does, thats our relationship gone

i'm really sorry to hear about your friend, that is awful!! i know a lot of girls here married to guys who are doing the same thing to their wives but they take the beating because thats what they were taught in their countries, husbands need to put their wives in place!! its the most absurd thing in the world. and my is one of those people, she believes its ok for men to hit women if they get out of line..like not cooking dinner on time. it just blows me away, how anyone can think that way. but thats negative, im not going to think about it!!

but thank you for telling me your story, it definitely puts my mind at ease a bit.
i dont know what kind of proof he would have anyway.

quick question mishka, during this process of her going to the courts to show proof, was her H ever involved in the process? did they ever call him in to defend himself? i'm just wondering if he does decide to file that way, if i would know about it and be called in for a hearing or something..

as for now, im going to see my IC, please let me know about my last question if you have any information about it, thanks so much!

[mishka422]

He was summoned to court, he didn't show the first time so a warrant was issued for his arrest. Mind you, this was federal court. NEVER mess with federal court. It was moderately funny when the US Marshall's showed up to arrest him, on the day of the hearing, at his company in a downtown Atlanta highrise 2 blocks from the federal courthouse and he insisted he just couldn't get away to get to the hearing, blah blah blah. He was jailed for 3 days for contempt of court as well. Yeah, he's a real piece of work. BTW, because of the abuse charges against him he lost a big chunk of his business (he's a builder so his business was already suffering). Gee, karma is a b!tch isn't it?

[Sara]

Mishka,

Isn't wonderful when a judge shows a bully who's boss? I had a juvenile delinquent son who treated me horribly. Then a judge explained the facts of life to him with a week in jail, and he was a changed man. They just have to see the light sometimes. Or maybe it is seeing the dark.

[beepee]

WOW. what a piece of work he is.
i'm really, really glad that he got what was coming to him and i REALLY hope that your friend is not being harrassed by him anymore after what happened. what a pr*ck and thats an understatement.

thanks for letting me know, i was worried that i wouldnt be able to go and defend myself if it were to ever arise (fingers crossed it doesnt).

journaling..
just got back from IC/prescriber appt and she is amazed at how much progress i've made since i last saw her 3 weeks ago! when i first saw her, i was miss waterworks for the whole session and everything i was saying was negative. this time around, i didnt cry at all, didnt feel the need to, was very upbeat and told her about everything ive done and she was amazed at my positivity and my desire to not talk about the past with her. i was more focused with talking about now and what i want in the future and she was impressed to say the least!

i told her about the diarrhea and the ADs coming out with it..and she looked it up and there are no such side effects with wellbutrin so she really recommends going to see a doctor about it. so i will schedule that soon. but the thing that annoys me is that i've gone to the doctors (4 different times) in the past few years about my stomach problems and they ran so many tests and each couldnt find anything. i feel like its gonna be like that again but theres no harm in trying again. i mean, its not normal.. someone is bound to find something sooner or later. i would hope sooner so i can do something about it.

so i've started off my day really well. going to continue the positive streak and start working on more ebay items to sell. anyone wanna buy my stuff!!?? any ladies out there big into fashion? check out my stuff!! not sure if im allowed to give out the name here though..

[beepee]

AGH! what is wrong with me!
i was having such a good day!!

I can't stop myself from checking his facebook page. Even though he un-friended me, i can still search for him and see his pic and friends and he changed his picture and he just looks so happy and is adding more and more friends and it just gets me so sad that he wants to move on and be happy without me.

I'm really glad that he's happy, it just makes me sad that I can't be a part of it and that he doesn't want me to be a part of it. I can't let this get to me, I just cant, I was doing really well and I have to keep it going. I just have to.

But I miss him so much. This totally sucks. I just can't get over how it was so easy for him to cut me out of his life, just like that. I never understood how people could do that. I'm feeling really anxious now. I know, I'm doing this to myself and I'm trying not to. I've cut down on that behavior, I still do it but i've cut down nonetheless. I just want to find him and shake him and beg him to bring the old H back, or the H who used to love and care for me. He wouldn't even bat an eyelash now if anything bad happened to me. I could dissapear off the face of the earth and he wouldn't care. That's what it feels like now.
sigh..just venting..