I don't know what my next move will be other than to talk about legal separation, which I am not looking forward to.
Orich,
As I mentioned earlier, do not INITIATE any of these discussions. This is HER burden. I suggest you tell her that you will not block her efforts....nor will you help them along. If she wants to pursue legal separation, she should do all the work (and there is ALOT).
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Hey listen Orich - I feel like I started this whole thing yesterday and for that I apologize. My intentions are just for you bro. You and I are very similar. I know the emotions that go along with receiving that letter. I just felt that when I read your post about her friend helping her along that everything fell into place. And that letter was her way to get you to make this easy on her. But I have done a tremendous amount of lurking here and it's such a pattern and script. And reading your posts yesterday, I just felt you softening and taking a lot of the blame which says so much about your character. It is such a difficult process, but unfortunately you have to start thinking like a businessman if your W starts to make the legal process happen. Separate your emotions from that process. Please.
You do need to protect yourself. As hard as that feels right now, as the man in the house - you could get hurt here. So please, just take that for what its worth. I'm not telling you to start trouble with her - just take the steps necessary (behind the scenes if you have to) to make sure you are protected. But as FaithfulH has so aptly put it - let her do all the leg work - this is her decision - just make sure you're prepared if she actually follows through.
I also felt that it was important that you recognize that the OM is a real possibility. I actually think it's better you know that now than later on, like I am still finding out in my sitch. Better to know everything and get through it once, than to keep getting blindsided. I am not saying your W definitely has an OM - just seems like it's very possible from what you have told us. So please understand - there is nothing but the best intentions here from one dedicated family man to another. Hang in there bro - you will make it through this no matter which way it goes - you are a great person with integrity. And you have an all-star cast here to support you. Take the info and decide what fits for you.
If you are in the alt uni and need to talk bro - look me up - I can be found through many here.. We're very similar.
Strength and Honor, always.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Ok, I just got am email from supposed OM. He saidthat while she is away with him and his production company, him and others there are going to try to convince her to go to Retrouvaille with me. Interesting turn of events.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
This is why I would personally avoid going too far down the OM rabbit-hole. I too suspected an OM early in our separation and did some spying which I regretted. After we reconciled, I found out that many of the people who I thought might be an OM or at least be encouraging my W to leave were actually doing the opposite...encouraging her to stop the D. This guy may end up being a great supporter of your reconcilition. I think your time is far better spent focusing on you and your changes than wondering about your W and people around her right now.
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Yes, this is interesting. It may mean that he is not OM, or it may mean that he is OM in her mind, but he doesn't want that responsibility and is letting her know that he is not her escape hatch.
I agree with 25 that the letter doesn't change anything. It is sad that she says she doesn't love you. But no one is guaranteed happiness in life. Marriage doesn't promise happiness. As I recall, the phrase is love, honor and cherish. I assume you are doing all that. The idea that we will be happy all our lives is a myth that brings unhappiness to a great many people. 25 is exactly right on what love is. Love is a verb, it involves doing loving acts. If you doing loving acts for someone, then loving feelings do follow.
You don't have to move because she is unhappy. You don't have to divorce because she is unhappy. The ball is still in her court.
I agree with Faithful’s earlier post. She should do all the work.
Orich… why would supposed OM contact you? Do you know this person?
This is throwing me for a loop. It’s not characteristic of an OM. They usually run for the hills and try to stay hidden, not email H with offers to help.
I agree with Faithful’s earlier post. She should do all the work.
Orich… why would supposed OM contact you? Do you know this person?
This is throwing me for a loop. It’s not characteristic of an OM. They usually run for the hills and try to stay hidden, not email H with offers to help.
Jess
Scifigirl - I don't want to bring this thread down again - but some of the vets here remember my sitch. The current OM in my sitch was trying to appear as a friend of the M also. I trust nobody. But Orich probably has a better sense here - he may know this guy to be a good person - in my sitch I knew he wasn't - hence the lack of trust. Regardless - FaithfulH hit it on the head. Work on yourself, control what you can control and let her do the work. Why the heck is she going away with this guy and his prod company?? Sara may be right - maybe he is the OM in her mind right now, the fantasy.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I thought from the beginning that this guy was just a friend. They have known each other since grade school. I do know him. He always seemed a decent guy. I would never have suspected him. Reading these posts while in the emotional state I am in made me begin to suspect. I always knew in my heart of hearts that she was incapable of an affair. I am still operating under the premise that the M is over, but I will take any glimmer of hope I can. The bottom line is that I love her. I love her. I love her. And she is the mother of my children.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Financial stability is huge for my W. if she thinks she is going to be alone with 1 kids, then shebis going to perdue the highest salary possible. This movie production, once the movie begins shooting, will pay her substantially more than her current job pays. I believe that is what's in her head. Along with that is the fact that it is an escape to her being unhappy at home. Not the guy, the whole production.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
