I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

just read some of your posts, glad the hike was good!!

journaling..
so i am feeling much better today and i have noticed a pattern and its so obvious but i never really paid attention to it to begin with, or maybe i was just depressed to even care but i notice that my day starts off great when i get up early, get a shower in right away, and dress up nicely and do my makeup.. its such a simple routine thing for everyone but for me, its tough to force myself to do it. i only dress up when i have to go somewhere (going to IC in an hour). but now, looking back at all those days that i did dress up and treated the day as normal days i used to have in the past when things were good, im much happier and i should start doing that everyday knowing its positive effects.

and i'm also wearing a pair of jeans that havent fit me for months and months!! so happy i fit into them, adds to my motivation to lose more weight and get healthy!!

anyway, im really disappointed because the broadway show RENT is in Beantown and ends this week and i never got a chance to go see it well to be honest, i wouldnt have been able to afford it anyway. my H always hated broadway shows and would never go to one would me. he'd made fun of me all the time and i didnt mind it, it was cute. i looked at his MS page (i know i shouldnt!!! im sorry!!) and even though un-friended me, i noticed that he still kept pictures me in his albums..maybe he doesnt know its there or he could care less or..because he still loves me and doesnt want to let go but needs so much time apart from me to get his emotions and life sorted out.. OH PLEASE LET IT BE THAT!! PLEASE!!

Yesterday, because I felt so horrible about the whole visa thing, I told my friend i wasnt going to go to Marthas Vineyard with her and of course she was upset and telling me not to even think about H. i said i'd get back to her and i was thinking all day today and yesterday about how i always do that. everytime something i think is bad happens, i focus on it far too much and tend to let everything else fall apart. thats what happened with all my friendships when i was with H. so i decided to do the exact opposite of what i'd normally do (sitting at home wallowing and thinking the worst) and force myself out with her and a few others even though all i want to do is stay in bed and cry. im proud of myself for doing that. i know its better for me. i know it'll boost my energy and mood. im just worried about the costs, $15 for the ferry and then lunch and hiring bikes etc. to be honest, i cant even afford the $15 for the ferry. she's paid for me everytime we go out so i cant ask her anymore. well, i put up nearly 50 items on ebay and am going to put more up tonight so that should help. still waiting for my brother to finish all the paperwork for cosigning for the apt. i think ill get that in by early next week and i should have a decision by then. fingers crossed i dont get denied..i would be so devastated. itll be another blow that i just cant handle. but thats a part of life, i just have to prepare for it and know that there's a huge possibility that i wont get it because of my credit. so i should continue searching for other options. we'll see how it goes..