I hope it does mean goodbye ow for you. I think his aim to 'start afresh' is very positive. My h has just started a new job too, I hope he starts afresh.
Julia, I am curious...were you and your H friends before you started dating or just met and boom, became a couple? My thinking is if you were friends first then you are rebuilding that foundation that you previously had, which I feel will bode well for you. Thanks for stopping by.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
We met while stewarding at the Royal Albert Hall when we were students. He didn't approach me for a couple of weeks as he was too shy but then over that summer romance developed. I would say though that we have always been the very best of friends. When we had our breakthrough conversation where we decided to be friends again that was what we both said. We know each other so intimately, however I think when I had to nurse him when he was ill that was when we lost the romance and when he left we lost the friendship. I guess that is what I am trying to rekindle.
I think we just take so much of the "magic" for granted. We think it will always be there. Really I think we all have been guilty of that, just need to remember to feed the flame, now and then.
So do you even think that the OW knows that you both are working on your friendship? I know in my case, I told ex that you wouldn't treat your best friend this way and that I couldn't be his friend while he was with her. He said he cried all night but apparently didn't bother him enough.
People are different what didn't work for one might work well for another. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'm so glad you're enjoying being back in London- North London is the best! And such a lovely day today too.... I hope you get a chance to enjoy the Heath.
I think rebuilding the friendship and tipping it over into romance is the right thing to do- I liked your goals a lot!
your new place sounds SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could find a cottage next door!!!! I'm so proud of how you handled yourself during your entire move--you have been really strong and together!!! I want to hear more ideas about your new life in London Town!!!
I am also so pumped that you are going to yoga!!! maybe some day I could try bikram with you and you could try anusara with me, like a yoga style trade??
I really think friendship is the way to go. I'm not sure that there's any way around it. And especially, it worked for you guys before, right?
(((Kat))) You bring up a really interesting point that I struggle with as I read the boards. There are people that take a much firmer line than I do. However, when I first got to these boards a very wise DBer said to me 'do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?' and I really took that on board. For me, being 'right' used to be very important, but it got me no where in my sitch. I really looked at myself and discovered that my 'right' wasn't always the best thing anyway. By the time I discovered DBing, he had basically told me to get lost (in nicer terms ) after I pursued him and pressured him for 6 months. I had no power to be giving ultimatums or kind of demands. However, I decided that I still wanted h in my life and I was going to have to wait until it was on his terms or it wasn't going to happen at all. It has required all the patience I can muster and he is not at the point where I can say anything about ow. I am biding my time there, the time will (I hope) come where I have more power but that time isn't now, as much as I wish it was.
I would doubt very much that ow knows of our relationship. Jody said to me that as he doesn't mention her to me, I could be pretty sure he wasn't mentioning me to her. He never talks about her to me she is never mentioned. He talks in 'I' not 'we'. She must know we have contact because of the house but I don't know the extent. I have a feeling that may serve me well in time though.
Sorry for the long answers... you asked me some excellent questions and really made me to think which is great, thank you
(((OD))) lovely of you to visit my thread. I really enjoyed the weather on Saturday. It was a nice break from this annoying rain! I'm feeling like I want to buy winter clothes again, in July that just isn't right. I envy your holiday purchases!!
(((T))) I've been thinking about you lately and wondering how you've been getting on. Are you busy (I wrote 'busty' then!!) at your festivals this year?
It would be so fabulous if you ever decide to visit London. We could go to so much music stuff together! The thing I like about Bikram is that they tend to do a lot of the same poses and they aren't too challenging. I want to build up to more complex things in time, also the heat makes me more flexible. I've always been a little afraid of other styles... perhaps you can reassure me on those
(((Michelle))) Thanks, that dress the queen wore was pretty eye-catching eh! lol!
(((bonny))) It is that tipping over into romance that is hard, although apparently according to Jody it is getting from stage 1 (reducing negative emotions) to stage 2 (friendship) that is the hardest. I think though as h had ow it is hard to get him past into that romance stage whilst she is in the picture. Still, I can't control that
In looking at what works and what doesn't work I have been wondering how much I should be initiating and how much I should not?
The thing that has provoked this is that I got a text from h on Friday apologising for not organising the birthday cake lunch that week in response to the invitation I issued. This is a pattern that keeps reoccurring whenever I ask him to lunch - work gets in the way. I used to massively resent this when we were in the last stages of being together but now it is fine, I don't take it personally.
The reason that I ask him to lunch is because, deep down, I feel scared to invite him to weekend or evening things, unless it is at his invitation, as it is ow's time. This is my hang up, not his. There has never been any indication of this from him.
So in response to the lunchtime cake thing, I just said no worries and let him know when I was away this week. BUT, I have a feeling it is not going to happen this week. If it doesn't shall I, in better terms, say scrap lunchtime. The bakery is in South Kensington where the Albert hall is, shall we get cake in the evening and then go on to see a Prom. On Aug 6th there is his favourite piece of music on.
Is it too much? Should I step back? The thing is that I feel if there is no 'reason' to meet, it is unlikely for him to initiate that often and we make the most progress when we spend time together and my aim was to do fun things like this again. The Proms is where we met and originally bonded.
This is meeting for pleasure and no purpose and doing something fun together again. A new step for us! I'm scared! I'm not sure how to handle things and I'm also trying to do it with no expectations. A difficult challenge.
