So, more news on W's job situation. She had another run-in with the lady to whom she reports. Long meeting today, and it truly sounds like my W's superior is pretty unreasonable and quite rude.
I should have known something was up when W sent me an IM on her way home to say she had had a bad day and another meeting with XXX - she has not done that since the bomb.
W is visibly upset about today and she even had tears welling up in her eyes when she told me. She does not want to continue in that job, and I don't blame her. We do need the $$$$, but her sanity and happiness is more important.
So, I suggested we break out the budget to see what it would look like if she stopped working. I just finished talking with W for the last hour and a half about that, mostly re-hashing her day today. I say talk, but I mostly just listened, made eye contact and asked appropriate questions. When we started the conversation, she said "I don't know what I am going to do." "I"? But, I didn't react. Just brought up going over the budget. By the end of the conversation, I told her her work situation was not good. Although I agreed with her that "we" could use the $$$, it was not worth it if it cost us her sanity and happiness - and I meant that.
It's funny b/c earlier this evening before we discussed her work issues, I caught myself questioning whether I loved her and whether I was still attracted to her. I don't know the answers to those questions tonight, but I do know I felt compassion and sorrow for her for her job situation. I know it is troubling her. But, I think I only support, let her know I am here and that I am ok with whatever she choses. In the end, this is her problem, and her's to resolve.
I caught myself questioning whether I loved her and whether I was still attracted to her. I don't know the answers to those questions tonight,
The addition of the word "tonight" struck me as very healthy. IOW, "I don't know right now"I need to keep that in mind when I have such thoughts and think them unanswerable or permanent,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
but I do know I felt compassion and sorrow for her for her job situation. I know it is troubling her. But, I think I only support, let her know I am here and that I am ok with whatever she choses. In the end, this is her problem, and her's to resolve.
I'm sure she felt the compassion. And you're right. She owns it.
Hey, gima, I came back from "exile" about 10 posts back; don't know if ya saw me in the crowd Hang in there.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I saw your post yesterday, but I did not have a lot of time in front of the computer then - had a mediation (not for me) that lasted all day (but we got the case settled $$) tehn had to dash home to dinner with the fam over at our sitter's "blended family's" home. Which was nice. Then the talk last night about W's job. Just enough time to post at midnight, then hit the hay.
Quote:
The Christmas/bike questions sound like a good, positive sign. Y'know, we're so accustomed to deflecting positive signs to protect ourselves from disappointments and to continue detaching - the old "yeah, and it could mean nothing at all," - that we can miss the "small changes" Michele tells us to be on the lookout for, those ever-so-slight (though often temporary) movements toward. Toward is toward (it ain't status quo and it ain't backwards).
I think you are dead on there. I think I often "note" the positive signs, but (probably defensively) am reluctant to let myself believe they are positive. Scared of being disappointed - and "scared" is not part of my plan.
So, this week (and I think my late night post last night indicates this) I have really worked on detaching, and I can feel a difference. Not callously, but I just don't care what W does/does not do or what she says/feels. I'm just letting her deal with HER issues, while I'm dealing with mine. I am still being courteous and receptive to her, but I do not DEPEND on her.
So, this week (and I think my late night post last night indicates this) I have really worked on detaching, and I can feel a difference. Not callously, but I just don't care what W does/does not do or what she says/feels. I'm just letting her deal with HER issues, while I'm dealing with mine. I am still being courteous and receptive to her, but I do not DEPEND on her.
Wow GIMA, that is good to hear for you, I am struggling today with myself on this. I know I don't depend on my W, and at times I too have that 'do I still love her?' moments. Oddly, those catch me by surprise at times.
Hope you have a great day, I am feeling needy today over things that happened this AM, and need to rework my focus so I am not in that funk..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I am feeling needy today over things that happened this AM, and need to rework my focus so I am not in that funk..
I always try to do something for myself that I enjoy when I get in those moods. It allows me to focus on something I like. Today, I am squeezing in 9 holes of golf with a couple of co-workers.
Sounds to me like it was a good thing that she talked to you about this sort of thing. I don't think her saying "I don't know what to do" is a bad thing. This is about her (her job) and would she have said in the best of times "I don't know what we should do?"
With my W, I have learned she wants to be heard but not have me solve the problem for her unless he really says "what should I do?" Otherwise, the job is to listen and chime in with a few thoughts.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
With my W, I have learned she wants to be heard but not have me solve the problem for her unless he really says "what should I do?" Otherwise, the job is to listen and chime in with a few thoughts.
EXACTLY. That is one thing I have learned in this process. As a man, I want to fix the problem for her - b/c I'm supposed to be the protector, right. NO.
Exactly what you said - just listen and empathize.
As a possible former WAW, I very definitely went through that, and I did hit a point where I was *sure* I didn't love him. I was dumbfounded on the floor when I started feeling all gooey over him again a few months after I left. Here's what I think happened...
If we go through periods of intense, constant hurt, I think we shut down emotionally as a protective mechanism. We feel dead inside, completely numb. We mistake this for not loving/not being in love anymore - but we're wrong. Maybe not everybody - but I know it was true for me. I wasn't out of love. I was just completely shut down and numb.
When the pain and anger subside, when the constant source of pain has been lifted for awhile, the softer feelings make a resurgence - at least for me. I can't tell you how long it will take, and obviously, I can't guarantee it will happen for everyone. In my case, it took somewhere between 2-4 months of being at my mother's place. I left in August, and the glimmers were there by Thanksgiving. By Christmas, they were strong enough that I asked if we could discuss reconciliation (he said No, he was seeing someone by then). I'm pretty sure it could have happened faster under optimal conditions - I'm just not entirely sure what those conditions would have been.
For sure he would have needed to apologize for his PA. (He's never done that.)We were 200 miles apart, so I think more frequent contact *might* have helped, assuming he was in a place emotionally to have the kind of light, positive contact that seems to move the process along. And spending some quality time with me would have helped, too.
Last edited by Dia; 07/24/0903:57 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I always welcome a woman's POV - b/c I sure as he!! can't figure it out.
I feel pretty good about where I am right now. I haven't given up on the M - I just realize life will go on with or without W. Don't want her to walk out, but no matter what, I will be ok.
Before this, I never understood or knew what someone meant by "finding themself." Now, I think I know.
