back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[Doingitright]

I was here two months ago. I was able to use what I learned here and bring back our marriage from the “D” train. W had EA but still to this day says it was never going to amount to anything. I lost my W’s trust shortly after we said we would try and fix things when she found out I used a PI and software to verify the EA.

Things got back on track quickly and we were seeing a MC regularly. Our last MC session brought up my W’s EA. In 10 weeks of sessions it never came up before…body under the carpet but nobody acknowledges syndrome.

So when it came up my W owned it but was extremely hurt and very very upset. That is where the badness came back in to our relationship. W was very upset that her EA came up and comes up every once in a while during an argument. She withdrew, stopped saying ILY and could not even sit next to me for the last week. We ended that but it was short lived for just a couple of hours.

Here is where I need some advice. We have been practicing the “say what the problem is vs keeping it and W having to beg me to find out what the issue is”. Well I stated what it was and it spiraled from there into a large argument. That precipitated my W sleeping in a different place in the house. That didn’t happen during the whole 4 months during the EA and the “D” train.

So over the phone W said she didn’t think we had a future. We owed it to the kids for us both to be happy. Thought we needed to seek an end as she has been putting some things aside hoping to get past them in due time. Much like her saying IDLY and I am not attracted to you. We did get past those but it seems we are back to square 1.

That sat with me until I could get home from work. She asked what was on my mind and I said we need to work on our trust issues. I asked her to help with what I need to do to gain back her trust. She said she didn’t know.

I said I trusted her and stopped looking at phone bills etc. W said we keep taking steps backward when we move forward and it just isn’t getting better. She then said she was tired and wanted to go to bed in the other room. Excuse was she hasn’t slept all week due to how I have been sleeping. She cannot bring herself to say ILY in 6 to 10 opportunities in the last 2 days. I say it then she does. If I don’t she doesn’t.

We have had very very short conversations, unlike the last 10 weeks. It feels like we are back to the dark days of the IDLY. I am traveling right now and it is making things worse. I think W is not saying certain things just to keep this quite for a while. This is just a snap shot but I could use some advice. So sorry it is such a long note.

[Doingitright]

W just reminded me of what she said two days ago...there is no happiness in our future. She was acting like she couldn't sleep so that was why she was sleeping in the spare bedroom. She is pissed off that I still went to our mc without her. She said that she doesn't feel comfortable because she doesn't know what I talked to him about. That is not what type of mc it is.

She is completely says the argument we had was big. When she said there was no happiness in our future I asked what are going to do? What does she want to do? I asked if were we going to see a lawyer.

I then came home and had a calmn discussion with her. She said I acted as if the argument didn't happen. She blowing everything so out of proportion. Telling my kids to not fight or to stop wrestling became me being rotten to them. She said they need to have fun and "we are so strict". But she then admitted she was just as guilty as I was. But that is just forgotten.

She now says she felt uncomfortable during the agument and that is why she left. I was typing into my phone to get to my facebook acct as that was her root of all evil.

W's complaints are different and yet similar to the originals. She feels guilty going away on weekends with friends or just going out because I don't go out and crave that time away from the family. I guess I am lost on what to do next.

I have changed tremendously. Lost 50lbs. Work out. Run which we started doing together during the past 5 weeks. I am in a happy place. Although the job and finances suck we were in a much better place.

[Doingitright]

Forgot to mention... Read the books did the phone mc for me. Did 180's, gal etc. But not sure what to do now. She is not saying anything. I feel like we are back to square 1. But worse off then the 1st time. I am afraid of what comes next.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She asked what was on my mind and I said we need to work on our trust issues. I asked her to help with what I need to do to gain back her trust. She said she didn’t know.

I said I trusted her and stopped looking at phone bills etc.

Based on WHAT, exactly? She had an affair, and she doesn't trust YOU???

Puppy

[Doingitright]

I trusted her in saying she was done with the EA. I needed to do that so we could move on. I belIeve she ended it finnaly. She didn't trust me cause I used spyware to prove she was having an EA. I had a facebook and blocked her. I started my account when she was using her FB to communicate with OM.

She believes that I had the house bugged etc. I didn't. She had the perfect storm brewing. Just back from a long weekend with girl freind out of town. She missed calling home to say good night to kids. B5 needed to talk to her so I called her phone and no answer. Many excuses were made why. Didn't beleive that it was a rule to call. For 10 years of my traveling and her there was always a call home unless impossible to call due to flight or time zone. I called her on it.

That was another of these "control issues" she claims I have. She wants to go to school for training in a field. So she can have a job when kids are full time in school in 1 year. We discussed and said it was a good idea to do it in 1 year. She started chasing schools and financing and doing interviews at the schools. I found out by overhearing a conversation with her friend. I called her on it and it became a control issue.

I know my wife and she would chase it and then get disapponited and resentful that she couldn't do it. I said this to her and she agreed that she would feel that way. I said we needed to sit down and discuss all the options and amke a plan. I thought we unerstood eachother. I actually started looking at how it could work out for my job to take care of the kids in the afternoons. I traveled for work this week. I called home to see how things were going and talk to the kids. They were all on their way home from an interview at one the schools for her training.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I trusted her in saying she was done with the EA. I needed to do that so we could move on. I belIeve she ended it finnaly.

Based on what??

It seems to me that you have had very VALID concerns about her fidelity, but all she needs to do is push your button with the "controlling" accusation, and then she gets the desired response from you -- you back off.

Did she ever accuse you of being "controlling" earlier in your marriage, before her affair? Do YOU think you were controlling before?

"Trust" is an extremely valuable, precious commodity, that shouldn't just be handed out as some form of unilateral appeasement. It must be EARNED, and from your description of your wife's history, and her current behavior, she hasn't earned it.

Puppy

[Doingitright]

I didn't think of it that way. Hits home. I am just struggling with the back and forth. I feel like I M waiting for the ne t show to drop or waiting for W to say I am there with you now. We were there for 4+ weeks. It all seemed to come unraveled at the mc last week.

We had a point made about W going away for the weekend with her girl freind. It then some how got to the EA and how she would be texting in the back of the car with the kids and me while we were on vacation. Then it made to I still have worries about the kids well being with her due to the EA. That broke her down and ever since then( last week). It's been all down hill.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Did she ever accuse you of being "controlling" earlier in your marriage, before her affair? Do YOU think you were controlling before?

?????

[Doingitright]

Nope. Just since the crisis stated in January. We did it for the kids. Well that was what she said. Now we owe it to the kids for us to be happy. E.g. She needs to happy and she is not. Not happy because she is a stay at home mom. Not happy cause she feels useless and controlled.

Hates he business she had cause I am controllering her by W being in the basement doing her business. She had a great little business going. But dropped it and said she hated it. Now on to something new. School to get another job that she really wants. At whatever cost to the family. She has faith no need to plan. All things will work out just fine...they always do.

Controlling has been us two making decisions. Then W doing whatever she wanted. Like this new job chasing. So it became my decision to hold off til both kids were full time in school (1 yr away). It is like the smallest things made into mountains.

[Doingitright]

Nope. W's definition of controlling...anything that involves me in the decision making process and she couldn't just do what she wanted. Usually involves large sums of money or decisions that effect the family. Example: going to shool or changing careers or not working any longer which then brings in $0.00 or asking to join a gym for the family.

This is since January.