Thanks so much girls. Yes this is just another day with his thoughts on this day. I get confused with the fog Fallgirl, it feels like my H is out of the thickest of the fog, but I need to remember it swirls around still. I guess that he did not really ask about how the sick kids were indicates the fog is currently there.
I think one thing that confuses me is that he is very certain when he has the periods of wanting to leave. All his life he has had a lot of trouble making emotional choices, so when I see him clear I think he has come out the other side and made his choice. I have to remember he is also just chosing what options seems to best to enable him to move on his life to a better place right now.
Onward and upward. I have had a lot of sucess GALing this week, and was feeling more relaxed and happy than for quite a while. Mindfulness, just trying to enjoy all the good moments of each day has really been helping, so wil continue to focus on that.
Hi Storm Rider, I got your post over at my place. Thank you for inviting me by to take a look at your thread. I do not take that as a slight things and I appreciate you asking. It is bedtime here and I've been trying to find a stopping place the last hour....lol. It's hard to shut down sometimes. I will try to catch up on your thread tomorrow and get back with you.
Hope you have a peaceful night.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Storm Rider You`re good at spotting the start of a cycle-in this case your H`s outing with the lads. that got me thinking about my sitch and the genesis of a lot(not all) of our trouble seems to have been when H was tranfered to another branch of the company he works with. Another branch with a lot more workers and a lot of very young, single, and newly single women. H didn`t want to be transferred but looking back pre affair I recall him telling me all about brazilian waxes, lingerie, make up, perfume all the stuff at that apparently they talked about at work( and apparently that is all they talk about) and he wanted me to try.
This is a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. Thanks! Now getting back to your sitch have there been any other changes in your H`s life that prompted his Life Crisis? Change in work colleagues? Do you think there could be a woman lurking there anywhere that he`s comparing you with?(I`m begining to believe that there are women who prey on vulnerable men to lure them into an affair)Is there a particular single male mate who`s baiting H about the good time he`s missing? Did he find having the kids very challenging?
You say he had a lot of trouble making emotional choices. Did he find it difficult to decide to marry you? Took my H 8 years to get around to it. And he cried when he had to move out from one flat to another in his single days. Cried when he was trasnferred from one branch of work to another. Had to be dragged kicking and screaming to our new home when we moved four years ago.Equally, I believe he`ll find it hard to make the decision to separate and will hope that I`ll make it for him.Does your H sound like that? Dithers and then blames someone else when they make the decision for him?
You sound good though! These brains storms of H totally manage to get me down-I just about manage not to show that to him or the kids though!
Anyway, listening to Lenny Cohen now and chatting with a dear GF later so lots of good going on today!
Fallgirl, Our main problem was having kids, we both really wanted them and got on really well up till them, but had four years of me being either pregnant with really bad morning sickness, or with a newborn, both had very bad colic and would scream for hours each night, waking every couple of hours. H was a rock the first three years of this, we both got very exhusted and the last year I moaned non-stop as well as being very hormnonal with bfeeding etc and boring as I had no energy to do anything at all.
18 months ago I told H I could cope again at home, sorry for being a cow, if he wanted time for himself go for it. I was cool with that and started working on myself, my own headspace. H just kept having fun, and the second six months I started to hassle him, contact him he was out all the time etc as we were finally in a position where both of us could have fun together except he kept doing the solo thing. For the last six months I started DBing, with the last three months getting the hang of it.
I think he is coming around compared to where he was six months ago. When he is not here he lets me know where he is now and where he will stay every night now(his vice is drink). He seems to be partyed out and moving towards wanting to chill out more. He wanted to run cos thats what his family does, especialy his mum who brought him up. I think he is concerned we will go back to how things were, and has had a big clunk of depression in the last 12 months. He has a good him and a bad him on each shoulder at the moment and just wants to move to a happy place. I think it is the pride and the fact he made a choice to leave and then if he made a wrong choice how can he cope with this? All stuff he needs to work through himself. A lot of the stuff he is not happy with with me is stuff from 18 months ago, but I get he needs time to see and believe changes. Although very popular with peers, he has a very poor self image right now too.
I have seen great results by working on myself and keeping a happy home. I think we will be able to move forward quite well once (IF!!!) he can see a different future than that he currently sees.
I keep forgetting your kids are so young. Aren't they toddlers still? Sounds like H is still a bit raw from the activity surrounding their births, early early years... Doesn't make anything right, just is. I'm glad his "partying" (funny, my friend calls going out w/buddies "getting the stink off!")is winding down. There's nothing wrong with having fun, but everything in moderation.
Sounds like the image of the mom with the babe on the boob needs to be erased from his mind. Ya know?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I`m learning from you re keeping home nice too. Don`t want to be obsessively cleaning, like I did in the past, to the detriment of the the inhabitants` happiness. And yes, I`m insisting now on having me all dolled up first, house comes second, kids can get away with being dirty! LOL! As a GF siad to me before her MIL (yes, MIL!) advised her that her H wouldn`t notice if the kitchen floor was clean but sure would notice HER when he comes in the door from work!
I heard that YEARS ago! Do you think I listened? And guess who`s been dressing like a sexy minx all these years and guess who`s been frumpy mummy. But my kitchen floor is spotless....
Ok, looks like we are still on a good path, may have been a touch paranoid. No R talk, a little future talk, H still more at ease with kids, bathroom door now open when showering, little things.
MB, yep, all the physical stuff from being a mum now reversed, the main headspace stuff was taking back 100% responsibility for my own life again, which I feel like I have done now and that is the part that has helped with detaching. But to do it lovingly so that I can still have an open door for H as well was much harder.
Fallgirl, Cleaning has never been top of my list (I do ok, don't get me wrong!). Its more the focus on the good vibe. If we will not go to the cafe together for lunch, I can set up our home so it is a cafe type experience at lunchtime, ya know!!
Sandi, looks like I am going ok right now if you cannot get back to me for a while.
I will be offline for a few days prob as I try to have no computer while H here as a 180, and it is completely open if computer is going to encourage openess for all!
Just a quick vent as H has gone out for a game of golf. We needed to review our phone planes, both mobiles and our landline were on the home bill and we were paying too much. I mentioned to H this morning. He called up and we have reduced costs by about 40%, but he took his mobile off the main bill "so he can pay all his bills separate". Old me would have ranted, I just smiled and said "ok" and went and read toddler some books in the lounge.
Even though this is just a one small event, on this day etc, it makes it sooo hard to get my head in the right space. This sort of thing hurts, feels deliberate, its such crap even if its a test to see how I react. H is just not one who used to play stuff like that, ever.
Ok, just a vent, foccused on having a good rest of the day! Its been nice up until now too!
Like how you responded to the bill change SR!Will you still get to see his bill though? Just wondering re any unexpected numbers that may crop up there that he mightn`t want you to see.
Not that I`m suggesting you go down the snooping road;it`ll drive you crazy!I never see H`s bill-it goes through his company since they pay for his phone.It doesn`t bother me at this stage. (And I know hed been texting/ringing OW before)
