Hey everyone, well we spoke too soon... there is trouble in paradise. The problem he has ML is now a definite one. This is REALLY worrying me (although I told him it shouldnt worry him).. this could make him close off/back off/freaked out/all of the above.. its a big deal for a guy. I'm guessing its guilt as we had the problem from when we saw Helen I think.

On top of that, we had a sort of row last night (only talking but he admitted to being 'frustrated') because I said I was scared of catching swine flu.. this opened a whole can of worms to do with me getting ill before, he said it bought the memories flooding back, that I was overreacting, that it made him fearful, alarm bells rang ...etc etc and I got very upset, but trued to hide it. I agreed it was hard on him back THEN, but that I had been well for over 2 years now and he is ill more often than me and also, I have to cope with his depression day to day (last week he had 2 days off work in bed as he was "tired"). He agreed with all of that, that he is ill way more than me now and that I am stronger now and that things ARE different.

Somewhere in this, he bought up my EA (dear god).. I calmly asked him, perhaps you still have some resentments if you are mentioning that now, 6 years later? He looked puzzled and said, yes perhaps I do, I didnt realise until I just said that then. It was hard on me, I'm a guy... etc

I pointed out that maybe he needed to exercise some more forgiveness, or 'let go' of the EA and me being ill, especially as it was 2-6 years ago and all in the past now, things had moved on and considering that he had left me for 18 months and dated someone else for 8 months since then....

So it kind of degenerated. I tried to agree and validate, but I couldnt help feeling angry and hurt. I did say, I think perhaps you could cut me some slack on the swine flu comments, I was very patient and committed and had to look after myself, I am not sure you would have been so patient for so long... He agreed and said well, no I wasnt was I (he was nearly giving up on us after 4 months seperation in 2004! So I asked him to move back in). He said but I DIDNT go anywhere, I wanted to be with you, as I do now.

He said that he feels bad he hurt her. He said this several times. He said she did shout alot.. well not shout, get frustrated at him because "I probably deserved it, I was being rubbish and she would get frustrated at me". I mentioned that noone has a good word to say about her, he shouldnt blame himself entirely for their R ending, he said "I dont want to hear that, thats not fair"...But he did add that No, it wouldnt have worked out with her anyway and that he realised that pretty early on (by November)..

I remember reading here to NEVER badmouth the OW as they will defend them and he sort of did.

All and all, not going so swimmingly and I am finding things VERY hard right now (right in eclipse season, what a suprise, not! Our whole R has been eclipse led since the day we met).

I think it was a mistake to have the above conversation, but he reacted pretty badly to my being fearful over swine flu. He kept saying he was sorry to have upset me, that HE had overreacted to my comments, but that he couldnt help how he felt. I guess I dont know what to do now, I am feeling pretty stressed by the past few days!