Divorce not busted 2

[25yearsmlc]

Let's all remember that whatever WE think about OP or this or that or retrovaille, it's ORich's thread and he's hurting a lot now.

Let's keep him in our prayers and recall that for the most part, even though our egos DO get in the way at times, this IS about supporting another person in deep pain, usually pain we recognize in some way as being very familiar.

Orich is reeling right now. And he's a police officer who has a badge and a gun every working day and needs to be focussed 100% on what he's doing b/c there are bad guys out there with guns too, and partners who want to know he's got their back.

So, let's all back up a minute and just send some comforting prayers his way.

Sandi2 was an almost WAW who came back and even though stat's say most men who div have OW (not 99% but more than half,) the numbers ARE lower for women leaving...as I heard one female comedian say, "We women may not know what we want...but we sure as hell want you men TO KNOW!!"

I don't think her letter changes much and I would read NOTHING into her behavior with the kids. She's trying to be "happy" at least partly for them, b/c that IS better than crying and yelling or hiding in the bedroom, right?
And she's trying damn hard to convince herself "She is FINALLY AT PEACE..."

all those years when she THOUGHT she loved you...she was wrong or faking it...living a lie...Too bad she isn't in Hollywood b/c she'd deserve an Oscar! All those holidays and birthdays and the wedding and the births and the laughs and the Making love and the vacations and the hard times when you did comfort each other and the duties you carried out as partners...all of it was an act? BRAVO!! SHE MISSED HER CALLING, AND NEEDS TO MOVE HERE ASAP!!

Please...and whatever your flaws are, work on them for YOU so you can be the best man you can be, (ie a man only a fool would leave). B/C then you'll have done your best. :Leave the results up to God. If she still leaves, then she is a fool...

But make no mistake, SHE is responsible for all "the lying" which it was not, it is BS and extreme marital revision that you better get ready for b/c the MLCer and the WAS ALL do it...suddenly they were NEVER HAPPY or you've been HOLDING THEM BACK and blah blah blah b/c you are pretty much responsible for anything bad that happened to them...and as for the witholding of her emotions and not telling you, IF EVEN TRUE, and some of it I guess is, well, You are not telepathic and that is ON HER...totally. Next time she looks at you, or away from you, or up or down, ask her ABOUT THAT SIGNAL THAT A REAL LOVE WOULD KNOW....please....

I went to a wedding a year ago and a mutual friend later divorced in part b/c she was at the wedding and "it reminded her of how different she felt about her h now, (after 18 years of M) b/c she expected to ALWAYS feel that way about her h,"(as in, like the bride and groom did that day) I did ask her if she thought that was realistic and she said "I believe in true love" ( I SWEAR maybe your w went to a wedding or they read the same novel...sheesh, it's embarrassing as a woman to read this stuff) ANYHOW, as the DBer I am, I said "I believe in true love too...I just don't think wedding days are a good test of it...the tests of true love come when you lose a child to death, or your parents need 24 hr care for 3 years (or more b/c who knows?) with cancer or alzheimers, or you have a job you hate but you do it anyway b/c it's close by so you can coach your kids' team and you go to the PTA even though it's boring and you do a lot of ROUTINE things b/c life has some of those and it's not all one big adrenaline rush and if it were supposed to be, then we'd all model our marriages on HOllywoods idiotic 6% success rate...and what if one of you is becomes disabled/disfigured or has a stroke and drools... you think that you feel THE SAME WAY YOU DID ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT THEN???" Does that mean the M was all a lie?? Tell THST to the couples who make it thru all this and live to tell about it.
Those events change you, yes they do. You won't ever be the same, that is true. But like a scar keeps your leg from looking the same, it doesn't follow that you'll never use it again or walk or dance on it AND who knows, some argue that where the break was, extra calcium forms and the place of the break becomes stronger. Create what you can with what IS...not what you hoped once was and trying to get that back.
Oh that friend didn't stay in touch with me as much later on....but the other point is about What true love IS....here's a small example -- when I do a show (it's an avocation that occasionally actually pays me) my h shows up and laughs really hard at EVERY joke I tell...

Now maybe that's no big deal. It isn't roses or a diamond necklace. But he has heard EVERY ONE OF THESE JOKES over 100 times in development or past shows. He has his flaws God knows (And I feel it's my job to so inform him). But his constant reliable loud hearty laughter at every joke I tell in a club, is what I like to call "true love"....so is my willingness to hunt and fish with him...I'm a city girl at heart.

Someday your w will know that she has turned away from true love merely b/c it wasn't wrapped the way the picture she had said it should be, literally. How sad. And pathetic and NOT YOU.... Have you read The Five Love Languages? You may think it's too late to count, but it's not. It really isn't. If you had asked me 3 or even 2 years ago if I would be here where I am, I would have given us a 10% chance. Here we are, so don't give up. Act as if you didn't read it, but not in a way that's disrespectful...just the "Oh that, yeah I guess that's how you FELT RIGHT THEN and maybe for days....

And though things are by no means all smooth now in my m now, I DO KNOW I will be alright no matter what.

You will too.
(( hugs ))
j-

PS I have heard too many good things about Retrovaille to not encourage it strongly. I attended something 20 years ago that was not Retrovaille but was for individuals but I was so changed by it, and so much happier that my h went by himself a few months later! Clearly if it helps A person, it'll HELP couples obviously so those things CAN change lives. How can it hurt? Seriously. She does owe it to you since "things are all out in the open now, so you can take it and so can she..."