Divorce not busted 2

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Orich,

I came across your blog as I was perusing potential new clients. LOL. But after reading a portion of your thread I felt compelled to interject and hopefully help you find some clarity to a very tumultuous set of circumstances.

First I want to say I sympathize with your pain. I know it. I have been there myself. I have also dealt with others who have gone through much the same circumstances as you are going through right now. I myself have gone through divorce and found that sites like this can be helpful and comforting to some degree. It makes one feel that he or she is not alone during dark times.

I see, as usual, accusations are flying on these boards. However, I would like to point out a few things from a woman’s point of view and maybe help you gain some insight into what may be going on inside your W’s mind. After all, I was in the position of your W… I was the one who asked for D.

I read your W’s letter and from what I’ve read, it looks like this was a long process for her and not something that was impulsive or haphazard. I can also say I have an understanding of what she is going through because I have been in her shoes. As I’ve said, I was the one who wanted a D. There was no OM or A or even a troubled R up until the end. Keep in mind that every R has different facets to it, however they are all nonetheless similar.

During the last 2 years of M, I slowly ACCEPTED (yes, accepted) that I was not truly happy with H any longer. I came from an Italian family that always made the statement “Family is number one.” But, the reality of it for me was that happiness was number one. H was a bit of a lazy kind of guy - even though I didn’t see this until the final 2 years, after my realization. But, he put things off and always looked for me to handle everything. I didn’t mind at the time because I was the happy and obedient wife…always smiling and doing “the right thing” for everyone else. But the real moment for me came when we hit financial difficulties. At that time we were a family of three and I was finishing my degree while working full time. My work slowed down and I had to take a pay cut. After two months we ran out of reserve money and I really needed my H to get a second job because I was getting ready for my finals and had no time available. He did his “usual thing” and brushed it off, figuring it would blow over and all would be ok instead him of doing “the right thing” and finding another job. WRONG THING TO DO. His complacency and lackadaisical attitude did nothing more than to shine a big spotlight on who he truly was as a person. He did nothing for months and sat back while we headed further into financial ruin. He even had the nerve to lie to me that he was looking for jobs but, being a crafty devil ;-) I figured it out…he was hanging out with his friends. It was during this time period that I lost all respect for him. He was not the person I wished he was, wanted him to be. The problem was that during the easy, good times I was able to project onto him who I believed him to be. I believed he was this wonderful, caring, responsible, carefree person. But during the tough times, his true self came out. Or rather, I finally saw it. Not wanting to believe my new “view” of H, I gave more than adequate time (2 years) and made the effort to repair R after I graduated and started working in my field. But my heart was just no longer there. I no longer felt the same for him because I viewed him differently. For a time, I felt like a ghost just existing while fearing what I really wanted…OUT. And it wasn’t because of OM or EA or even a rocky R even though all of his friends thought I was having EA. He did confront me about an OM but he was wrong and that just made matters worse...I got angrier because he, in typical fashion, chose to blame everything else rather than take ownership of the problems he contributed to and in many cases caused. Even though he apologized and efforts were made on both our parts, the simple fact was that I no longer felt comfortable around him because he was a different person “to me” after this realization. It was like getting to know a totally new person. I know that sounds crazy but it really was. But in the end, and after getting to know this “new” person who was my H, I couldn’t go on pretending any longer. I couldn’t fake that I wanted to try to make things work out. I couldn’t fake that he was a different person from my point of view. I couldn’t take being in that situation. That is when I finally left.

Your W wrote that it was just something that happened over time. That could very well be true. I am not saying you have the same situation on your hands as I had… I am just trying to let you know that sometimes we don’t see the problems until it’s too late. And problems have a way of festering until they become cancerous tumors. The way it happened for me was Disappointment turned to annoyance turned to anger turned to spite turned to despise turned to numbness.

As for OM… Why do H’s ALWAYS think there is OM??? Guys, get real and stop making Orich feel worse than he already feels. M are so quick to blame everyone else…It’s NEVER the person staring back at them in the mirror.

Another word to you guys on OM and EA in general… If it has gone that far then there was something very wrong in the R long before that. So take a look at your own shortcomings.

Orich, If it is fixable, it will happen without forcing it. But it may not be the same R. W may not even be the same person that you fell in L with. You may not even be the same. I know these are tough possibilities at the moment, but you need to consider them.

Be strong but flexible. Be strong for yourself and your children. Be flexible as to acclimate yourself to new circumstances. Be cognizant of others who will be affected. But most of all do what is best for Orich and the kids even if it means walking away for now.

You have a lot of people caring about you on these boards and it seems that you’re a pretty good guy. And there aren’t many good guys out there!

Just one last word of encouragement… Both my ex and I got remarried and we both couldn’t be happier. So remember, it’s not the end until you give up on yourself!

I will pray for you to find strength. Just remember, strength does not mean stubbornness.

Jess

God bless you for this message. Some people see OM's everywhere and it keeps them from looking in the mirror. Now I KNOW that there are A's out there, and if so, AND if you can handle it right NOW AT THIS MINUTE then snoop away. But when there's no "probable cause", then what's the diff between a crazy jealous boyfriend stalking your d, b/c she says she doesn't "love him anymore"? I mean it's a real turn off if you are wrong and it comes off as weirdly controlling and does keep the focus off working on YOU and GAL and putting all the focus on HER and poss 3rd parties...I say who cares right NOW, and how about a breather and a break for YOU?

Having said that, let me add one thing. Your sitch sucks and she's at least in MLC big time. Her age and the "God wants me to follow my feelings" crap was PURE MLC (yesterday I really FELT LIKE I wanted to slap the rude man at the store who was screaming at an old lady...that's what my FEELINGS told me. Also I FEEL like getting a divorce my h 3-4 hours every week and have for a decade....so that's right out of the MLC book...)

But maybe there is an OM and maybe not. If you are the type to be helped by that type of info NOW, at this stage of your grief, and IF IT IS TRUE...snoop away but seems to me you need to take a few breaths and do the football analogy. Plus you are a police man. Is this something you have to KNOW NOW??? Can you function at work with this? Now? What would your partner say?

And what energy and anguish will be spent only to find NO OM? Maybe that would help you, but I wonder. My sister wanted OW to be in the picture when her h left her, b/c it hurt worse to think he simply didn't love HER AT ALL....but he just wanted out...for her, that hurt worse....make sense?

Anyhow, I lack the time to post well but was asked to check here and I see you are in good hands.

My gut take---The way your w wrote is in SOME ways good. Though she sounds resolute, she also talks a lot about God and if she's really really a beleiver....the truth will find a way. Have faith in that.

Be strong and show her that. It's particularly important in your sitch with your history. AND no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their dad....keep that up for tons of reasons.

Good luck, and read faithfulH's case and look at some of the posts of those on the other side of this. YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT...NO MATTER WHAT, have faith that God has something in store for you around the corner. We'll all pray that includes your w.

You may get her to go to Retrovaille b/c "it'll help the whole process for YOU and the kids" and see if she'll go then. For now take a breather..and have faith that He is with you and will give you the guidance and strength to handle whatever comes your way.
God Bless-
j-