I completely understand! Some days it seems like it's hard to come up with your own name! I couldn't agree more that he should be focusing on us and not them. But he's going to have to come to that conclusion himself. I still feel like I'm on delicate ground here.
I'm going to continue on course - being supportive, not putting pressure on him about how much time he's spending. It sucks but as you and everyone else reminds all of us - the only person we can change is ourselves. I have to hope that he will continue to respond to the positive changes I'm making.
I also know I need to be very conscious of how I respond to what he shares so that I don't come across as callous or uncaring towards her situation.
Uhh! Taking my anti-anxiety medicine again to help myself stay as even as I possibly can in this situation.
M25, I know you feel that you are doing all that you can at the moment. But what I want you to see is this......everything I warned you about is being played out! Is it not? I told you he would feel that he "had" to be there to support the OW and that if you said "anything" negative that he would make you feel like the bad person in this situation. That is exaactly what's happening.
Your H feels soooo guilty over OW and is so blind to what's going on! His guilt is causing him to stay at the hospital with OW's H and trying to play MC. He is choosing their M problems and trying to "fix" them over his own wife and M problems.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Having computer problems and can't type but a few sentences when it starts messing up!
Anyway, I think it may come to the point that he will have to make a serious decision to choose between his family and their family. You said you felt that if you showed any jealousy, etc. that it made you look like a b*tch, but I see you as a woman fighting for her M. I'm sure that OW & her H have lots of problems and you feel sorry for her and her H is a jerk and all of that......but do you feel bad enough to just lay back and allow this all to happen right before your eyes? That is what is going down.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What am I supposed to do? We've probably talked the most we've talked since this happened. He calls me with updates and talks to me about everything every night. He's fully disclosing. We seem to be really connecting. He's been very appreciative.
What you may not have seen in the posts is that she and I have talked about their telephone conversations. She was hurt and angry that I would think anything was going on between them. She said she thought I knew they were talking and was OK with it. She said I had no one else to talk to about her H.
My H is not playing MC because they are getting divorced. Her H is beyond a jerk but I won't go into that now. My H seems genuinely appreciative of the support I've shown him. He's asked me to cut him some slack because he feels he has to act as a buffer for her H.
Demanding that he not go to the hospital wouldn't do a bit of good and it just makes me look bad like I'm an uncaring B****- that I don't trust him (we just got done talking a minute ago-and I reacted to something he said and he said give me a little credit). Bottom line is I can throw a big fit and make demands and all it will do is give him ammunition against me and I guarantee you he won't do it!
I think he's had enough of his best friend. I'll be surprised if they have any kind of relationship going forward - not over her but just his friend's behavior over the last couple of years - especially how he treats my H.
The bottom line is this - I'm not being naive - my eyes are open. Again, this is hard because to go into everything would take forever you are only getting part of the picture - not every situation fits neatly into the EA scenario. I have to do what I feel is right for me. I know my H. At this point, I do feel good about the fact that he's so open with me - he really wants to talk and share things with me. I think that's positive. We haven't had that for awhile.
You're right at some point there has to be a healthy break. She's been moved to a better facility and seems to be improving. She's acknowledged that she needs help and is fully willing to get that help now. Here's the thing to you have to remember my H was in her situation several years ago so he knows exactly how it feels to be in that much pain and be suicidal. That's where his empathy comes from.
I really feel that this is the right course of action for me right now. You can always say I told you so later on if I'm wrong.
Here's the thing - I do want to restore my marriage and make it better than it's ever been. I can only control my own behavior -not his or anyone else's. What I do know now is that if my marriage doesn't work out I will be fine. Sure it will hurt and it will be hard on our sons but we'll all get through it. The positive changes I'm making are helping me to gain more and more self-confidence each day.
I'm going to stay the course right now. I know you're shaking your head but again this feels right to me. I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you.
What am I supposed to do? We've probably talked the most we've talked since this happened. He calls me with updates and talks to me about everything every night. He's fully disclosing.
You need to do what is right for you. I don't know all the details.....and I pray that all goes well. I certainly wish no ill toward the OW or anything like that.....and I hope I didn't come across as sounding that way. I just didn't want you not seeing what might be happening, b/c people's mental & emotional state can be very fragile when something like this happens. As you know.....all "kinds" of feelings start to surface for each one in these two families. I think you know that you are in a difficult place and you have to be the one to decide how to deal. Just wanted to make sure you "saw" what seem to be obvious to me. I would not look forward to telling you that "I told you so" and I pray that you will be able to tell me that "all is well".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Seems to me that he is. He says how this is killing him to see her this way because he knows how it feels. He said he'd rather have physical pain any day of the week over mental pain.
He's not just sharing information - he's talking about how he feels about what she's saying, what her H is saying - the whole situation.
Thanks Sandi. Things are not always as the seem as we know. Everything in my gut and heart is telling me this is what's right for me. I'm just going to have to take it one day at a time.
I don't think he can take all of this on long-term emotionally. As he's said he's got his own issues to work on. I'm praying that once the situation stabilizes that he will start to back off. I know he knows he'll need to do that.
Remember, the first night this happened he said that her H told him not to tell me (about her suicide attempt)but my H said I just couldn't do that he didn't see how he could not tell me. He was so angry with himself for allowing himself to get caught in the middle of the two of them. He even thanked me for "not being crazy."
Maybe I'm delusional but it appears that my support of him is having a very positive impact. As I said, he calls me at work when there's an update. We've been talking every night at home as well.
