I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

what a rollercoaster ride of emotions today..

just journaling a bit to get my feelings out of my head...

can't get the thoughts about my H and the visa thing out of my head.. im trying though. i did a lot of work with ebay and managed to list 46 items today which is a huge accomplishment. still have some things to fix with it but i dont ill leave that for tomorrow as i am really beat mentally and just want to lie down and rest. not do anything but rest. but i know if i do that, the thoughts are going to consume me. and i dont want that.
ill try watching tv or maybe chat to someone online.

i can't stand these thoughts. i know they're so bad for me because i dont know what is really going on and what he's going to do but i just get that horrible feeling that its going to be the worst possible thing. and i dont want to think that. i've been thinking like that for too long. i want to be positive. i want to act as if he's not going to file under abuse. i want to act as if he loves me but just needs a lot of time away from me to get his emotions and life in order and will not do anything negative like that which would affect our relationship.

its going to take so long to change this way of thinking but at least i acknowledge it and am working on it which is a start. I need to stop focusing on him and spend all that energy into making myself a better, healthier person. working on that ebay stuff was a HUGE goal achieved because its a part of the business that my H and i used to run. i put it off for 6 weeks because i couldnt stand to work on something that the H and i used to do together, it was a huge part of our lives and the business was blossoming, we were getting so much attention. now this is the last time i'll be working on it. i'm hoping to pick it up in the future when i have my head screwed on straight and feel much more confident in myself.

i just feel so wronged. i feel like..i should have a right to be part of this process since i spent so much time in the process of sponsoring him. if not part of it, at least i should be able to voice my concerns or something. with both the divorce and the visa stuff. i dont know. maybe i'm being selfish and maybe i have no right at all to be a part of this.. but i still feel like i should be in the know. is that too much to ask? maybe it is, i dont know. i guess all i know is that its something i really should not think about because it is out of my control. i still want to protect myself though, so i will set up a meeting with an immigration officer and they can help me with my concerns. i dont think it would hurt. if im not going to get any answers from the H, the officer might be able to put my concerns to rest, give me some options and advice possibly.

i also found a legal aid office here so i will call them next week to talk about the big D and any advice they can give me. i also have an IC appt tomorrow so that will help me with getting my emotions out.

wow, what a day. sometimes i just want to crawl under the covers and sleep forever. but then i look in the mirror sometimes, and i see a girl who deserves so much more than that. who deserves to feel happy, to live life and experience all its beauty, but who is sooo STUCK and cant seem to get out of it. but its only been 6 weeks. maybe in 6 months, i'll feel much better.

i was talking to my friend earlier on today, and i was talking to him about how i feel so horrible about myself because its been 6 weeks and i can't seem to move on one bit, i can't seem to change how i feel. and he said that i havent been able to change because my situation hasnt changed. he thinks my living situation is hindering any progress because i'm still living in the room that we shared, with my parents who dont talk to me or support me, with no money and no job, and no friends in the same town. part of being able to GAL is to be around friends who will help you, to be able to have money to go out and do things, to have people around who can help you get better.

i dont have much of that with the living situation im in but i'm doing my best with what i have. my friends TRY to visit but they work and have their own lives, i try to get into the city to see them but the chances are limited due to financial strain, i try to get out of this room as much as possible, but that is also limited since this is a town of drivers and i dont drive, but i try to go out for walks nonetheless just to be able to get out from this stuffy, memory-filled room that was once a sanctuary for myself and the H. so i make do with what i got, but its really hard and i do feel its hindering my progress and keeping it at a less-than-snail pace.

i'm working really hard to try and change my sitch, by saving all my money, selling whatever i have, endlessly applying for jobs, even ones im not even qualified for, trying to apply for apartments, and most of all, keeping the faith that i will get out of this very soon, but still taking it one day at a time. baby steps. i know its important to live in the present and enjoy today and be glad that i'm alive and breathing. i am so grateful for that. but i know what i want, and i know what i need in order to survive and get better and thats to get out of here as soon as humanly possible. hopefully its just another month away!! fingers crossed!