I think it might be an interesting way for you to go. It would put your H immediately at a decision point - do I want to work on the M or do I want to work on D.
I think the first question out of the Mediators mouth would be "Are you willing to participate in this process to develop an amicable dissolution of your M" (or something similar)
After that, he or she would coach the two of you through a tough and realistic, eyes open decision making process - what are you going to do, where are you each going to live, how much money is needed, how much will be paid, the kids, everything.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
And there mere fact that Monsoor makes "decent" money is irrelevant. The court will look at all assets and liabilities. If Le S can make more money to meet his obligations, then that's what they'll make him do.
As to "win/loss" on the Relative Lawyer -- from my POV perhaps you might consider abandoning this "he wins" "I win" "I lose" frame. For one, it really seems to exacerbate your emotional turmoil. For another, it ain't over until it's over. For a third, it keeps you on the defensive. Remember that discussion a bunch of us were having on my thread about power? When Monsoor complains that you don't tell him your plans, you've got power and he's reacting. Classic narcissist, where it's got to be about him on his timeline when he wants. The more you confound that, the better off you are.
Repeat of what Thinker said. Mediation is MUCH cheaper.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
As to "win/loss" on the Relative Lawyer -- from my POV perhaps you might consider abandoning this "he wins" "I win" "I lose" frame. For one, it really seems to exacerbate your emotional turmoil. For another, it ain't over until it's over. For a third, it keeps you on the defensive.
Second this. I've noticed this "he wins/I lose" thing in your posts for awhile, and I don't think it's helping you one little bit. So, what Smiley said.
Last edited by Kettricken; 07/23/0906:23 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Nothing makes me feel worse than the "She wins, I lose" line of thinking.
Seriously, if I start..."she got this, she got that, she doesn't care..." then it's a quick road to anger and sadness.
We can't go there.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I just called another attorney. I am going in tomorrow. I feel sick about it...enough analyzing or judging myself for my feelings. It is just who I am. To have what I thought was a lifetime partnership devolve into a purely legal and logistical matter...well, you all know how I feel.
S6 was a wreck today. My own dad was nearly in tears seeing how wiped out and sad he was.
Lots came out, particularly (after hours of berating me and screaming) that he misses me when he is with daddy, pause...and he misses daddy when he is with me and he doesn't miss anyone when we are all together.
We were a together family and it shows in the response of my children. That is the real tragedy, despite our times of dysfunction and turmoil our kids always knew we would get through it together...well, they "knew"...
I am ok. So wiped out, hard to have the energy to deal with a raving child. But he is now swimming with a friend and jovial.
He got so much out with me and despite my intermittent urges to drop him off with his dad and let him deal with it, I know that S6 needs to know that I am here and I can "handle it."
I need as much support as I can get moving forward and I consider you all my friends.
Just hoping you'll come back around (and wondering if I put you off). I am taking action here and was hoping to perhaps connect and get your input on some decisions I'm making...
I've followed your thread, but not commented much. I'm surprised you didn't have any responses yesterday - usually this thread is rocking!
FWIW, I don't think you "put anyone off" -- people do take breaks from the board from time to time. And with it being summer and all - vacations, etc.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear of your progress, and that you were able to connect with your son. Kids do know who can "handle" their stuff and who can't -- it's good that they have you. It'd be tough for your H to relate to your son's pain, being that your H doesn't relate to anything other than himself.
How are you feeling today? Do you have any plans for the weekend?
I was away from the boards motst of yesterday, and I missed your post.
Part of it breaks my heart:
Quote:
Lots came out, particularly (after hours of berating me and screaming) that he misses me when he is with daddy, pause...and he misses daddy when he is with me and he doesn't miss anyone when we are all together.
And part of it props me back up:
Quote:
I know that S6 needs to know that I am here and I can "handle it."
You are hurting, I know, but you haven't lost sight of what is the top priority - your son. Like you said, you have to be strong for him. Be strong, but feel what you need to (away from S) and get it out. It is a process.
I am glad you are going to see a L (I am one, so no mean jokes). I know it is not what you want to do, but it is what you NEED to do. Your H is being incredibly selfish right now, and you cannot rely on him to do anything one would consider to be the "right" thing.
Hang in there and take it one day at a time for now. It will not be easy, but it WILL get easier.
Thanks. It is just that I am really taking action now, doing things that perhaps I should have done long ago and now is when I need the most support.
I value 25's opinion and experience and she has some knowledge relative to my locale and I was hoping to follow up on our convo regarding connecting in the alt. But, when the time is right. No pressure 25. I'm feeling a bit pathetic here...
I am doing better. Caught S6's gaze this morning on the way to camp (lately eye contact has been nearly impossible). I told him basically that I learned something about him yesterday, that he is really able to have his feelings and move forward and that I can be here for him through whatever feelings he's having...he gave me the cutest puppy eyes and said "I know mommy. I love you." And it was the sweetest, most heart felt expression that has come from him in so long. Precious moment and I'm grateful for it.
I'm feeling a bit pathetic here...