I keep wondering if the fog will EVER lift, or if this is permanent. She's a smart woman. This stuff can't really make sense in her head. How do you not know what you want? Or not make an effort to find out? It vexes me.
I'm just writing this out to clear it out of my head. I went out and found an apartment today. It is a much needed Step One in my regrouping plan. Its small, but nice place and close to a really big park so I can do all those things on my regrouping plan. Close to work. Emotionally, I'm not at a "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" kinda place. For me, right now, a short-term place to land while I sort some things out is good. The sorting is more than about Her. My job is in up in the air. Things with Her, though not looking particularly good right now, aren't completely official. I'm exhausted - emotionally, physically, intellectually. I've been so busy trying to save "us" that I sacrificed what made me - well, me. Being in our old apartment doesn't help with that either. So, like everyone else on these boards, this is time to deal with some things just for me. Ultimately, that's who this move is for. I just want the dust to settle, get some things in order, heal and generally reassess what I want to happen next. It is time to get off the merry-go-round. I realize this sounds very together and healthy, but right now it doesn't really feel it. I'm so fried, that I'm operating on the hope, really, that this is the right thing to do. All I know is that my last course of action was crushing me. And who needs that?
