Just journaling ... I am ridiculously tired. I think the emotionality of all of this is finally catching up to me. I've come to the obvious realization not eating or sleeping combined with a stupid commute GREATLY impairs both my ability to make sane decisions and my ability to stay emotionally balanced. So, I'm trying to get some sanity. My "regrouping plan" seems like more and more of a good idea, regardless of what happens with my W or STBXW. I can't decide what I want to call her. Maybe just Her. Seems like a complete lack of hope to call her my STB-anything just yet. And I'm not there yet and that is an expectation, right? I'm actually looking forward to moving if only to get away from the craziness and allow all the limbotic situations in my life to calm down a bit. That's right, I said limbotic.:)
Hi mountain! been reading a little on your thread. So sorry you got served, and the way Her set it up was pretty sucky.
Along with your thoughts to 'take the high road' how about try a 180 and send Her a post anniversary card? Maybe even something humorous and signed with 'thanks for the years'. How did you handle this last year?
In the years I've been living thru MLCH land I always made some acknowledgement of our Anniversary. One year it was just to mention the well wishes we had received via txt or email. Not for him, not because of him, but for ME. H had control of so much and excluded me so much, but I would NOT let him control the fact that I wanted to acknowledge what was once important. There's my own version of control. Ha!
BTW, I bounced around different forums before I ended up in the MLC forum.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW - Thanks for responding. I've gone back and forth on what to do with respect to the anniversary. Last year I called to let her know that I was thinking about her and that I was glad that we were still a part of each others lives. Glad that she's been a part of my life to this point. I suggested we at least get together, get some ice cream or something. She got all sorts of mad and kept saying "this is not a celebration. There is nothing to celebrate." She did agree to meet, even though she kept saying it was a bad idea. It was good. We laughed like we usually do.
I ended up not doing anything, even though I wanted to call. I didn't want it to come across as pursuit. And she's abundantly clear that she has made up her mind that she wants out, and quickly. I'm trying not to fight her on the control issue. Does that make sense to anyone?
We get along really well when we do get together. That is the hardest part. We're not fighting about anything and haven't really. She hasn't asked me for a single thing in all of this. She can't even identify for herself what it is that she wants or needs. But, and this is my favorite quote, "that doesn't excuse you from not meeting my needs." That's avoidance at its finest. The most frustrating part is that she's not really trying to get an answer. She just runs ahead to "I don't feel anything romantic, so why even try?" and then totally shuts down.
I ended up not doing anything, even though I wanted to call. I didn't want it to come across as pursuit. And she's abundantly clear that she has made up her mind that she wants out, and quickly. I'm trying not to fight her on the control issue. Does that make sense to anyone?
Makes perfect sense to me. But I think you knew that already.
Originally Posted By: mountain_west
We get along really well when we do get together. That is the hardest part. We're not fighting about anything and haven't really. She hasn't asked me for a single thing in all of this. She can't even identify for herself what it is that she wants or needs. But, and this is my favorite quote, "that doesn't excuse you from not meeting my needs." That's avoidance at its finest. The most frustrating part is that she's not really trying to get an answer. She just runs ahead to "I don't feel anything romantic, so why even try?" and then totally shuts down.
I have heard so many MLC quotes from so many different folks that I could fill up an entire afternoon posting them here. Three that come to mind offhand...
A friend of mine's W, when she was coming out of the fog: "Well, I'll let you woo me for a while before I decide whether I'm going to let you come back to me or not." (he didn't, and she still tried to come back!)
My W, after I did something funny during an interaction with her: (Delivered while looking longingly at me) "That's one of the things I'm going to miss about you."
A different friends W, after he drove to several different restaurants to find somewhere to eat to try to please her: "I don't KNOW where I want to eat, but I don't want to eat here. Pick somewhere else."
I got the variation of your W's quote when my W and I met up at our first (and last) MC session. As I walked her to her car, she announced that she wasn't going to go to MC anymore, and that she just didn't FEEL anything for me anymore.
Which she then followed up with, "So, do you want to go to dinner?"
Bizarre how the MLC mind works.......
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
I keep wondering if the fog will EVER lift, or if this is permanent. She's a smart woman. This stuff can't really make sense in her head. How do you not know what you want? Or not make an effort to find out? It vexes me.
I'm just writing this out to clear it out of my head. I went out and found an apartment today. It is a much needed Step One in my regrouping plan. Its small, but nice place and close to a really big park so I can do all those things on my regrouping plan. Close to work. Emotionally, I'm not at a "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" kinda place. For me, right now, a short-term place to land while I sort some things out is good. The sorting is more than about Her. My job is in up in the air. Things with Her, though not looking particularly good right now, aren't completely official. I'm exhausted - emotionally, physically, intellectually. I've been so busy trying to save "us" that I sacrificed what made me - well, me. Being in our old apartment doesn't help with that either. So, like everyone else on these boards, this is time to deal with some things just for me. Ultimately, that's who this move is for. I just want the dust to settle, get some things in order, heal and generally reassess what I want to happen next. It is time to get off the merry-go-round. I realize this sounds very together and healthy, but right now it doesn't really feel it. I'm so fried, that I'm operating on the hope, really, that this is the right thing to do. All I know is that my last course of action was crushing me. And who needs that?
MW, I wonder that myself.When is it going to lift?I had even wrote in a letter which I didn't send to w about her being an intelligent woman and that there must be something else going on.I guess no one knows the answer to how long it could last.
EoT- I'm reasonably sure there is something else going on. I figure it is one of three things - either guilt over the A that she can't/won't deal with, a current OM or some other mystery trauma that she won't deal with either ... or some combination of any of these Even if I'm right, hounding her to come clean or to deal with things isn't going to happen unless She wants to. It's like she's hiding from herself.
