I asked MLCer if we could start therapy next week. Now he says NO. He will only do it by phone.that is a switch from last month. I told him that's not the agreement. I said SHE really controls you doesn't she?
Since this is part of the legal agreement, you have some power here. This is for the well-being of your children. You and your MLCer need to work together as co-parents. The OW has no say and no right to a say in this matter. When dealing with an MLCer accept that things will not always go your way and learn which battles to pick. This one is about your children and is for them.
Originally Posted By: peacetoday
I feel like OW somehow wants me to know about the wedding if their story is true. I also feel she is parading her victory around with this fax as if she has any place in our office.
Oh, she may be doing that. We cannot know for certain, but it is something that OWs do. Does it matter? Is it important, if that is the case, is it or how is it helpful to you?
Well, it may not matter. It doesn't change the circumstances. But the knowledge you can interpret can be beneficial--though understand it is mere guesswork. Supposing she is parading a victory... she is showing her insecurity in the situation. She thus is attempting to gain security by stealing power from you. If you let it bother you, her ploy succeeds--more so if you show that it bothers you.
It seems that this OW has been particularly quiet and allowed herself to stay in the background. I haven't like that. If this rumour--and please understand that it is nothing more at this point--is true, and it is also true that she's parading her supposed victory, she's finally starting to show her colours as well as her fear. It's about time!
But let's point out, this is a rumour from an unreliable source. Your MLCer has said he did not want to marry this OW--sure many may say that and change their minds. But I see so many who claim they will marry her from the beginning. He moved out and saw the OW in secret for a few years, and yet since he did not make claim of returning, it did not feel like the type of affair where he is trying to sneak around, rather it feels more like he was keeping it private and personal. But even so, if I were in-love, I wouldn't want to hide my partner, that seems an act produced by shame. I haven't seen him acting like a love-sick puppy. Rather I've seen a brooder who martyred himself for a wife and family he felt he doesn't deserve and who will settle for less, in fact he will make sure that what he has is less because he doesn't feel he deserves better.
Originally Posted By: braveheart
If you really want to know, go to the court of your state and county and it should be there....... What good will it do you to find out though?
Though knowing is not action toward change, it can provide peace of mind. In the beginning newbies spend weeks and months overanalyzing and questioning every little thing. What is he thinking, feeling, doing? Why Why Why? Some questions are completely unanswerable and others have speculanswers. It's the same here. Peace may only wonder incessantly if she does not find out and it can consume her. The answer won’t change the outcome, but it can help her to think of something else.
Also, knowing before the announcement can help Peace to prepare emotionally for her public response. Knowing ahead can allow her to grieve in her own private manner and to plan her next moves--how to tell the children, what to say to her MLCer and what to say to others who talk to her about it.
But Peace, you've said you are not Standing; though you've also said that if he wanted, you would reconcile. But the choice to no longer Stand feels a little more distant than Standing.
What is positive about a marriage to the OW? Well, in this case it quickly follows a divorce. Sounds like a rush job. This could be due to the OW pressuring or your MLCer trying to erase and start over quickly so as to forget--he thinks it will help him get over the pain of the divorce. Ha! There is the statistics; come on, you know them. Second marriages are more likely to fail than first. Marriages that start as infidelity are even more likely to fail. Most adulterous affairs don't even lead to marriage. Adding step children to the mix makes the odds of divorce increase even more.
From a Stander's view I love it when fools rush in. The faster they rush, the more likely they will crash. Let God take care of this. But this is sad also. It's reassuring for Standers, but it just means even more heartache and pain for the MLCer--it's just greater damage to his psyche as he damages himself and others. It's not a victory dance. And later, an MLCer may wish for his true wife in marriage, but given the increased damage of another destroyed relationship, he may be even more afraid to take that step--perhaps avoiding admitting such regrets to even himself.
No matter what, you job has not changed. The more you are Grace, the more likely she will be the opposite. That is not for you to create such a thing in her, but for you to let it happens--or not happen. Your job is to be Grace. Be love. Be protective of your children. Be forgiving. Be Peace. Be strong. Do these things not because they will be a crazy-maker for a desperate and fearful OW, but because they are the right and healthy things for you to do and be. Paving a safe path home is a byproduct of Grace, but it is not the primary goal.
