It has been a while since I have posted and a lot has happened, some good, some bad. I went on a wonderful vacation with my kids and we had an unforgettable time together. That has definitely been the highlight of this year for sure! When I got back, I moved out of my dad's house and moved into an apartment. Living with my dad was fine but I didn't feel good about myself by doing it. I needed my own place so i made the decision to leave there and rent an apartment. It was when I moved into the apartment that things became more real for me. All along while living with my dad, I thought, subconsciously almost, that this was temporary and that it wouldn't last. Once I signed the lease (year) it instantly became more real and more finalized.
Pretty much most of June was bad. I was a mess and very up and down emotionally and wasn't GAL, acting as if or anything productive. I just was feeling sorry for myself and worried about me. As you can imagine, this was not good for me or the marriage. This finally came to a head on Father's day and she was done and it was over according to her.
I finally snapped out of it on that Tuesday after all heck broke loose on Sunday. I made up my mind that I wasn't going to let this get me down and that I was going to fight for my marriage, but more importantly was going to fight for myself. We went to MC the next day and she had softened a bit and we continued to work at this. I left with the kids on July 4 and took them on their first cruise and we got back on 7/11. I have continued being good, nice, lovingly detached, working on me ever since Father's day.
W continues to acknowledge the changes in me to our MC and me. She is still very confused and not ready to commit back to me. She still says that she can't make herself love me if its not there.
Yesterday was our 14th anniversary and I got her the prettiest flowers ever and then we went out to dinner last night to celebrate. The night started out ify but progressed nicely and we had a great dinner and great conversation. We exchanged cards and she was visibly moved by the card I got her. It was probably too much, but it is definitely how I feel and I think at least by how she reacted, she liked it. On the drive home, I told her that I really hope she knows how true that card is and how much I care for her. She told me that she knew, but that she can't make herself feel what she doesn't feel. She then went into talking about R and I tried to stop and change subjects but she kept on talking. Anyway, we didn't fight, but it put a damper on a good night for us. It also made me realize that she is probably done. I hope not, but that is my overwhelming feeling.
Today, I have pretty down all day. But I am continuing to be nice and caring to W. I just need some support.
