I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

So I just looked everything up and the only way he can stay here is if we are divorced before he files a waiver, or if he accuses me of abuse. i have a gut wrenching feeling that he is going to say i abused him.

oh god, this is terrible. theres no other way he could around it except by saying that i abused him. i didnt, i didnt! i was depressed, that doesnt mean i abused him. this is really going to affect me and i really want to talk to him about this. i don't want to be made out to be an abuser, this is really wrecking my head.

[beepee]

seriously guys..any advice would be appreciated please.

[Kettricken]

He'll do what he's going to do, regardless of what you say about it. I think you're catastrophizing here, and I don't think your physical condition (diarrhea) is helping your mental one at all. From what you report about the metabolization of your meds, it's very possible you're not getting any benefit from them, which may very possibly be skewing your decision-making, emotional status, and general cognition for the worse. My advice is to hold off on doing ANYTHING ... engaging any decision making or conversation with your h (especially), or any kind of confrontation with your family until AFTER you see your prescriber and hear what he or she says about your meds.

Your brain may not be giving you the best intel. right now. Not your fault. Just breathe and try to wait it out, unless you feel yourself *really* spiralling downhill, in which case, call your prescriber immediately.

[orangedog]

"catastrophizing" - I agree too. Don't start fighting battles that don't exist. You'll only defeat yourself. (O'Dog has a tendency to do this too. Takes work to stop doing it.)

Are you worried about divorce? Talk with a L. Yes, it's hard to do but it helps to get your questions answered and be prepared. I didn't want to take the step either but I found a L who works in D mediation (not a bloodthirsty shark!) and paid for a little of his time. I showed up with a list of questions, got my answers, then shook his hand and told him comically that I hope I don't have to see him again.

W knows I'm prepared too. When she brings up something legal I just defer to him because O'Dog don't do law. It really takes the pressure off me.

[beepee]

Kettricken and orangedog,
thanks so much for your response and advice.
I spoke to an officer about the whole procedure and they think its best that I go into one of their offices and set up a meeting to speak to them personally about my situation.
since i was his sponsor, i would be legally responsible for him financially for the next 10 years unless certain things happen like he moves out of the US permanently etc etc.

what im most concerned about is his option to use abuse and cruelty to waiver the joint filing requirement. i know this isnt farfetched at all because i've read some of his emails while we were nearing the end of the relationship and he's been telling everyone at home that im abusive towards him and that he really wants to call an organization or something to deal with it. that is why im really worried. now, its not true, i was not abusive towards him, no more than what he was to me. we had our arguments, we had our fights, we both told each other off. i wasn't the only one engaging in that type of behavior. so i am really worried (and i think my worry is warranted based on those emails), that he would continue down that path and i dont want to be made out to be something im not.

and theres no way we can get divorced in a month anyway, i wouldnt sign the papers if i received it soon. so when i called the offices, they informed me that since he is in divorce proceedings and the marriage has not been terminated yet, he can't file for a waiver to remove joint status. and then they proceeded to tell me that his other option was to file for abusive treatment by the US spouse. base on his emails, and based on the fact that our marriage is not yet terminated and based on what this officer has told me, it seems like his only option and i have a horrible gut-wrenching feeling inside that he is going to continue with that.

in order to protect myself, she suggested i go meet with an officer so im going to schedule an appt soon to see what my options are, in terms of what i could do if he were to file under abusive treatment, and what my financial obligations are and what i need to do in order to maybe have that obligation removed.

Also, I'm not that worried about the Divorce, it'll sadden me to the core, but im more worried about him lying about me to the courts and thats not something im going to take lying down. i would like to speak with a lawyer regarding the divorce but i dont have to money to do so. also, i dont know if there is a need because we dont have children or any assets/property together. the only thing we have are bills and the fact that he left me with them and im unable to find any work, whereas he does work and has not sent me any money like he promised. thats the only thing thats an issue I THINK and i dont know it that warrants speaking to a lawyer. what do you guys think??

[davidswife]

Call a legal aid office, they have lawyers that can help people who don't have means to pay.

Also, I agree w/odog, stop the catastrophizing -- stop the drama. Stop obsessing about what he may or may not do. You've probably wasted most of your day doing this, at the cost of getting something positive done for YOU. Did you go for a walk, clean your room, post things on e-bay?

[beepee]

Hi davidswife:

thanks for your advice. i will search around a legal aid office and see if i cant set something up.

i'm trying not to obsess, i know its ruining my day and its not positive at all. its just so hard!!

i've been working on my ebay stuff while obsessing so i didnt totally waste my day, although i could have done a lot more if i wasnt going nuts over this. i'm going to stop thinking about it now and just try to focus on what i need to do that will have a positive impact on my future and well-being.

[davidswife]

Maybe taking a little walk would help you clear your head. Exercise is good for your mind and body!

[beepee]

what a rollercoaster ride of emotions today..

just journaling a bit to get my feelings out of my head...

can't get the thoughts about my H and the visa thing out of my head.. im trying though. i did a lot of work with ebay and managed to list 46 items today which is a huge accomplishment. still have some things to fix with it but i dont ill leave that for tomorrow as i am really beat mentally and just want to lie down and rest. not do anything but rest. but i know if i do that, the thoughts are going to consume me. and i dont want that.
ill try watching tv or maybe chat to someone online.

i can't stand these thoughts. i know they're so bad for me because i dont know what is really going on and what he's going to do but i just get that horrible feeling that its going to be the worst possible thing. and i dont want to think that. i've been thinking like that for too long. i want to be positive. i want to act as if he's not going to file under abuse. i want to act as if he loves me but just needs a lot of time away from me to get his emotions and life in order and will not do anything negative like that which would affect our relationship.

its going to take so long to change this way of thinking but at least i acknowledge it and am working on it which is a start. I need to stop focusing on him and spend all that energy into making myself a better, healthier person. working on that ebay stuff was a HUGE goal achieved because its a part of the business that my H and i used to run. i put it off for 6 weeks because i couldnt stand to work on something that the H and i used to do together, it was a huge part of our lives and the business was blossoming, we were getting so much attention. now this is the last time i'll be working on it. i'm hoping to pick it up in the future when i have my head screwed on straight and feel much more confident in myself.

i just feel so wronged. i feel like..i should have a right to be part of this process since i spent so much time in the process of sponsoring him. if not part of it, at least i should be able to voice my concerns or something. with both the divorce and the visa stuff. i dont know. maybe i'm being selfish and maybe i have no right at all to be a part of this.. but i still feel like i should be in the know. is that too much to ask? maybe it is, i dont know. i guess all i know is that its something i really should not think about because it is out of my control. i still want to protect myself though, so i will set up a meeting with an immigration officer and they can help me with my concerns. i dont think it would hurt. if im not going to get any answers from the H, the officer might be able to put my concerns to rest, give me some options and advice possibly.

i also found a legal aid office here so i will call them next week to talk about the big D and any advice they can give me. i also have an IC appt tomorrow so that will help me with getting my emotions out.

wow, what a day. sometimes i just want to crawl under the covers and sleep forever. but then i look in the mirror sometimes, and i see a girl who deserves so much more than that. who deserves to feel happy, to live life and experience all its beauty, but who is sooo STUCK and cant seem to get out of it. but its only been 6 weeks. maybe in 6 months, i'll feel much better.

i was talking to my friend earlier on today, and i was talking to him about how i feel so horrible about myself because its been 6 weeks and i can't seem to move on one bit, i can't seem to change how i feel. and he said that i havent been able to change because my situation hasnt changed. he thinks my living situation is hindering any progress because i'm still living in the room that we shared, with my parents who dont talk to me or support me, with no money and no job, and no friends in the same town. part of being able to GAL is to be around friends who will help you, to be able to have money to go out and do things, to have people around who can help you get better.

i dont have much of that with the living situation im in but i'm doing my best with what i have. my friends TRY to visit but they work and have their own lives, i try to get into the city to see them but the chances are limited due to financial strain, i try to get out of this room as much as possible, but that is also limited since this is a town of drivers and i dont drive, but i try to go out for walks nonetheless just to be able to get out from this stuffy, memory-filled room that was once a sanctuary for myself and the H. so i make do with what i got, but its really hard and i do feel its hindering my progress and keeping it at a less-than-snail pace.

i'm working really hard to try and change my sitch, by saving all my money, selling whatever i have, endlessly applying for jobs, even ones im not even qualified for, trying to apply for apartments, and most of all, keeping the faith that i will get out of this very soon, but still taking it one day at a time. baby steps. i know its important to live in the present and enjoy today and be glad that i'm alive and breathing. i am so grateful for that. but i know what i want, and i know what i need in order to survive and get better and thats to get out of here as soon as humanly possible. hopefully its just another month away!! fingers crossed!

[beepee]

had a bit of trouble falling asleep last night.
couldn't shake the H and the visa thing and I still can't but i'm going to go on today and fake it. fake as if im happy and maybe it will turn into real happiness. fake it till i make it.

my goal for today is not to dwell on the negative past and to stay focused on the positive present and future.