Divorce not busted 2

[pigskin]

Orich, tell your wife that Retrouvaille is DESIGNED for people who are "too far gone". In fact some attendees ARE ALREADY DIVORCED. And that it is DESIGNED to build the communication skills your wife says you and she lack. Blowing it off for the reasons she gave would be a mistake. In fact, you guys are exactly the type of couple they seek to reach.

Regarding the friend who "is helping her through all of this", that is a huge red flag in my mind. My wife's OM also was "helping her through all of this".

[Thinker]

What a bunch of BS...that this is not about you and her but about the kids! I cannot believe how many WAS' believe that!

I realize I might not have been very clear with this point. The lie is....the kids will be better off after D. The lie is...I'm not doing this for ME, I'm doing it for THEM.

Amazing how many of us have heard this. Me too - many times.

[K4D]

Ya. Come to think of it, my W's friend was the one helping her through it also. Ya he helped alright. He helped his way right into bed with her. But she had told me the same thing that he was helping her.

Kevin

[K4D]

She also told me that she needed to work on herself and that the kids would be happier having a mom that is happy and that God would not want her to be in a M that she is completely miserable in. Oh, and after the A occured, she told me that it was helping her to heal. Whatever. The point is, it is all script. You might want to examine that friendship a little more. And for the texting... That is a HUGE red flag. My W was texting and IMing also to "her friend". Even then I refused to believe she would cheat although I was becoming suspicous at that point. I am not recommending this, but I got hold of her text messages and emails after and I had all the proof on the PA. The reason I don't recommend it is because there were details that I wish I had never read. And if you get caught, my W accused me of breaking her trust even though I wasn't the one having an A.

Just be the best you can be and believe the saying "Believe only 50% of what you see and none of what you hear". It is so true.

Kevin

[mulesqb]

Ya. Come to think of it, my W's friend was the one helping her through it also. Ya he helped alright. He helped his way right into bed with her. But she had told me the same thing that he was helping her.

Kevin

Yup - My W had 2 EAs with the OM and guess where she is now? Same script, same old, same old...and the kids are with me because I wouldn't leave the house.

Orich - I know your getting hit with a lot. But DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOUSE IF YOU WANT JOINT CUSTODY. You are in CT, I'm in NY so it may be different, but if you leave, you will never get back in, and you will be considered abandoning them. Even if you have a good lawyer, your W can make a case to not upset the applecart, that the kids are comfortable with her.

Don't buy her BS. This was the best piece of advice I received. This is her mess. If she wants out of the M, then she should leave the marital home. Don't give a rat's behind about how long anyone has been on the street. That's BS. Tell her that due to her decision, the family is changing, if the family can change so can the street and it's homeowners. Protect yourself bro!

Strength and Honor.

[K4D]

None of this is meant to bring you down further today. I think we all just want you to realize there may be more than meets the eyes for the one that is hurting based on the letter and things you said. It is just all to familiar to the rest of us. It doesn't necessarily mean it is true. But there is a real possibility it could be.

Keep your faith in God and be a great dad for your kids. We are here for any and all support you need.

Kevin

[mulesqb]

None of this is meant to bring you down further today. I think we all just want you to realize there may be more than meets the eyes for the one that is hurting based on the letter and things you said. It is just all to familiar to the rest of us. It doesn't necessarily mean it is true. But there is a real possibility it could be.

Keep your faith in God and be a great dad for your kids. We are here for any and all support you need.

Kevin

Absolutely K. It's meant to help. It's also to make Orich aware - because I felt that letter was taking advantage of him. I felt she was playing nice-nice. I also think she may act quickly on the mediator and I don't want him to make any mistakes here because it could really hurt him that's all. Otherwise, it's all compassion for another hurting brother.

She also told me that she needed to work on herself and that the kids would be happier having a mom that is happy and that God would not want her to be in a M that she is completely miserable in. Oh, and after the A occured, she told me that it was helping her to heal. Whatever. The point is, it is all script. You might want to examine that friendship a little more. And for the texting... That is a HUGE red flag. My W was texting and IMing also to "her friend".

This was also word for word in my sitch. Incredible.

[Thinker]

And for the texting... That is a HUGE red flag. My W was texting and IMing also to "her friend". Even then I refused to believe she would cheat although I was becoming suspicous at that point. I am not recommending this, but I got hold of her text messages and emails after and I had all the proof on the PA. The reason I don't recommend it is because there were details that I wish I had never read. And if you get caught, my W accused me of breaking her trust even though I wasn't the one having an A.

In my case, the Red flag was when my W changed the password on her computer and email accounts. I had an innocent reason to go in there one day (household admin) and found I was locked out. Then I noticed the sudden increase in texts, picked up her phone and read the back texts and .... BAM!

I think in my sitch snooping is the only way I could have proceeded. It was painful, and it caused huge fights between us, and yes, my W accused me of violating her trust by snooping as if that is worse than the EA, but without knowing the truth, without having it exposed to both of us, I don't think I would have been able to see what was going on and detach. I think snooping, spying and exposing the EA stopped it from proceeding further and faster.

I now look at it this way. A cheating spouse wants to be able to have an A, while PREVENTING the betrayed spouse from reacting. If your spouse cheats, they will lie about it in an attempt to control you. Since an A directly impacts your M and directly impacts you, it is your right to know what is going on so that you can make your own decisions and react in the way that you choose.

For me, I choose to know, even though knowing gave me so many sleepless nights.

[K4D]

I chose to know also and it did create fights. But it also damaged the A to the point of OM retreating back to his W after I confronted him about it. I don't know which was more painful, having flags all around me and people telling me it was going on but having no real proof, or the actual proof which also caused sleepless nights.

It for the most part ended the A as far as I can tell, although I cannot totally confirm that. I know it put a dent in it. He was scared when I told him I was going to go to his W with the proof if he didn't end the A with my W.

It is a tough call to make. I wanted proof for all the flags. Looking back at it, it made things worse for me and W, but at least I dented that A.

Kevin

[Kettricken]

You can't make good decisions if you don't know what you're actually dealing with. Orich, hate to pile on top, but I see a lot of red flags for at least an EA here too.

You can't expect anyone on earth to fight your corner but you, brah. Please educate yourself about your rights at this point and what the implication of leaving the house, etc, would be.

I know that's probably the last thing you want to focus on right now, but think of it as a favor you're doing yourself in the future. A favor for you *and* your kids.

Strength and Honor and Hugs(chick version)